My new IMVU Coupon Code

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Merry freakin Christmas.

I gotta say, since the last time I wrote things haven't gone so well. My mom's back in the hospital, she's been there since last Wednesday. Funny that it was only 5 days ago but yeah....she spent Christmas in a cold hospital bed by herself. It makes me sad to think about it; she must have been so lonely and depressed. We kept her on the phone and sent pictures and went to see her Christmas Day but of course that doesn't replace actually being there, in your own home, with your family experiencing the holiday for yourself. So far, the doctor's not saying she'll be home for New Years,' but we're hopeful and praying that she gets to come home before then.

My lifeline is broken! Major :-(. I don't know how, but somehow last Monday I ended up accidentally bumping my laptop off my bed and onto the floor and it fell right onto the hard disk. So all of last week, I was either barely online or not on at all cuz my other laptop is too ridiculous for long periods of usage. lol Finally yesterday, a reverend from my church lent me his backup laptop and another reverend is looking at mine to see if he can fix it and tell me what's going on with it. I hope it's nothing to where the whole computer is dunzo, cuz that would eternally suck. My vouchers from school don't even begin to cover laptop or expensive school materials, and the refunds left over from my loans and grants wouldn't cover the cost of a new laptop and accessories even if I saved three of the checks put together. So if that were to be the case, I'd basically be screwed. That's been weighing on my brain. I looked at some computers down at a local rent-to-own company, but the problem with that is for some reason, none of those laptops have a very large memory and I don't have enough money for an external hard drive. So boo to that.

Haven't talked to dude since the last time I told you I spoke to him, a few weeks ago. And finally, that's okay with me. I don't mind and I don't think about him all the time anymore. Actually, I barely think about him at all. There's too much of other things going on for me to waste my time still going over a relationship that was over long before it got a chance to start. It won't change anything and won't do anything but upset me and I already have a couple of wonderful sources to contact if I want anger. lol I've thought myself to death on the issue anyway. So he's not on my mind as often as he was and you know what? That's okay. I don't find myself wishing we were back together anymore, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I don't even mind that we're not friends. I'd be happy if I never heard anything else about or from him except that he was alive and well. That's really all I need to know. I don't wish to have him back in my life, at least not right now, and that's finally okay with me. I don't care if he thinks about me or misses me like I used to, not only because it's pointless and I'll probably never get the answer I want, but because even if he thought about me all the time and was miserable without me (neither of which I think is the case here), it wouldn't change what happened between us then and it wouldn't change how I feel now, either. So why bother going around Robin Hood's barn thinking about something I could never get a good answer to, if I got an answer at all. I also thought I'd be miserable being single again but I'm not. Don't get me wrong, it still stinks and it's not the most favorable situation in the world, but compared to being miserable and tense because I was in a relationship that wasn't working, I'll take being single with a touch of sad any day. I don't want anyone else, but I don't want him anymore either. I love him for loving me at one time, but that's as far as it goes. I like where my life is going in some ways, and I like the direction that those things were going. I'd like to focus on those before I worry about getting into another relationship or stressing because a previous one failed.

I got offered a job at my church! The official job title would be church receptionist; I'd only be working part-time and it goes right along with my hours since I'm sleeping at night again.....by the way...YAY!!! I've been sleeping at night since early last week and I absolutely love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Let's just hope it sticks. Anyway, my pastor offered me the job a couple of weeks ago but the problem is, if I take it I have to report it to Social Security and it could affect my monthly benefits. Not cool. So I spoke to a leader in the church and he said he'd try to find a way to still let me have the job on the terms we decided upon without it affecting my benefits. I was so excited about taking the job; the hours are great, I like being at the church, the kids will be in school during my work hours so it also gives my mom some time to herself, it helps me take that next step to independence, and I'm doing things that I like to do so it's not like I'd hate going. I think this is a great next step for me to take. The issue I have is that as I gain my independence back, I will lose my benefits. So I end up kinda scared to get better because it means I lose something in the process. The problem is that I want to get better. But with things like anxiety, you can be totally independent one day and relapse to a point of total dependence the very next day. It varies. I don't want to get better, lose my benefits then all of a sudden relapse and have to start the process all over. But God knows where my life needs to go and what needs to be done at this point in my life, so I'm going to give this to Him and let Him guide my steps. If it's meant for me to have this job, He knows the situation I need to have in order to best help my family and I trust that He will give it to me.

Despite my small issues and the problem going on with my mom's health, I honestly feel like my life could take a positive change for the better and I'm ready for it. I'm not too sure of what the future holds as nothing is set in stone, but that's okay with me, which is weird for someone who likes to know the future, have the plans to get there and doesn't jump into change. So good riddance to 2009, bring on 2010! Happy New Year to everyone; be safe, be blessed and take care!

So things have changed.....

Hi all! I don't have alot to say today, so this won't be too long but I did want to come check in since I haven't written anything in a couple of weeks. Dude and I are not together anymore, and while I love him to death, I am extremely glad it's over. Without going into detail, the arguing and my unhappiness was becoming too much to handle and the stress he had and his lack of desire to learn was getting to be too much for him, so he would take his frustrations out on me. He never felt he was doing that, but what guy does? It really was like a rollercoaster, which further solidifies why I hate them so. One day we were okay and I had the impression that things could work out, and the next they'd be so bad I found myself hating the decision I made to talk to him in the first place. He was stressing me out, distracting me from my homework and generally just giving me a headache. I felt things start to slip because of him and without him in my life, I know I will be of better mind to get them back on track. He needs to handle himself and as much as I'd like to help him, not only will he not allow me to, but he needs to do this on his own. I need to worry about me. I know that might sound selfish, but worrying about him at this stage in my recovery ended up setting me back. I can't let that happen again, especially for someone who doesn't even appreciate the gesture. So that's over and I can't say I'm too broken up about it anymore. I know God has better plans in store for me. He may come back, he may not. Later on down the line, we may work things out and stay together, or I may never see him again. In any case, this was the best decision for me to make; I'm confident in that knowledge now, especially after the way he's acted the last couple of weeks. I didn't need any of the garbage he was tossing my way. So I threw it out. :-)

Physically, it's been a bit harder to get back on track. My sleeping pattern is transitioning, so I've been really tired and you already know, the more fatigued and less rested you are, the more you're prone to panic. Anxiety thrives on instability. So the next couple of days and the last few have been kinda rough. Alot of that is stress-related but I've been on edge from lack of sleep and an instable pattern, so all the better that a major source of stress is out of my life. I didn't know how to handle them both and I was starting to crack. So, one down and one to go. My stomach is giving me mad problems lately, I'm gonna have to schedule another doctor's appt. and another blood test to make sure that nothing's wrong.

Mentally, I've just been racing. My final day of class is tomorrow, so I finally get some time to do what I want and not have to worry about school. I have to admit, I've been back in school for four months now but it feels like I haven't been out of school at all. I had the summer off but it feels like I never took a break. It must be hard cramming 18 weeks of work into 9 weeks for an Associate's program, but stuffing it more to fit 5 1/2 weeks must be even harder, and learning it is even worse. I'm more than ready for a break, so I'm glad my last day of class is tomorrow. I'll get to recharge and come back next semester with my head on straight and ready to focus on what's important.

Oh yeah!! Remember how I've mentioned from time to time that I've been having some crazy thoughts and doubts about everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING), couldn't get them out of my head, most of which were so bad they were unmentionable, even to myself? I finally figured out what they were, I did some research the other morning and found out that it's completely normal for folks, they're simply intrusive thoughts. They're more common in people with OCD, which as some of you know, is a disorder that can develop as a result of leaving anxiety untreated and unchecked. The anxiety is what allowed the obsessive patterns and thoughts to begin, but the OCD part of it is what allows it to repeat like a marquee in your head. It's normal and like anxiety and many other mental disorders, can be treated with CBT. (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) That made me feel eons better, cuz I'll tell ya, some of those thoughts were so off the wall I started wondering how crazy I really was. Even though I don't have any recovery tips for that yet since I just figured it out myself, I feel better knowing that it has a name, those thoughts are completely caused by the disorder, which means not only are they not true, but they can be treated and eventually cured. But sometimes knowing what you have makes it a little easier to deal with, because it's like you have one piece of the puzzle and it's no longer this stranger that you can't identify. It has a name, which means someone had this before me, which means there's a chance that this isn't permanent, which means I may be able to live my life again. The knowledge that this isn't so uncommon to where it doesn't have a name is enough to calm me down sometimes, because yeah it's partly the thoughts that scare me, but it's also that I don't know why I have them or where they came from. If I know why I have them or where they came from, it's alot easier for me to calm down because I know that it can be fixed. Answers, even small ones, can do wonders sometimes. So now when I get those thoughts, I can fight them back by the knowledge that I don't really feel that way and it's just another intrusive thought. That's another reason I encourage all of you to go do your research on what you have instead of waiting for the therapist to tell you---granted, your own research in many cases should not be substituted for that of a qualified professional who diagnoses for a living, but if you figure out what's going on with you like myself and so many others, you may be able to start the healing process all on your own. And that's a great feeling too.

The year has passed by so fast, I've barely had time to reflect on it. I'm not sure I want to though---in some ways, this has been a really good year in the sense that I've made leaps and bounds in my recovery and been able to do alot of things I never thought I'd have the privilege to do again. I thought I'd always be in the panic box. But I have left it for the most part this year, and it's scary as hell but I'm trying not to look back. I've learned with this that because it's so easy to slip backwards, either you don't look back at all, or you look back as long as it's only a glance and you don't dwell or overstay your visit. Look back at your past but don't dwell there. So while it's nice to look back on the year and see the improvements I've made, at the same time it's hard to look back because it means I've struggled with this for yet another year. Another year that I couldn't do everything I wanted passed me right by. It can get depressing--yet another reason why you look back on the year but don't focus. God has brought me through alot this year and I'm positive that the improvements will continue. So here's to a better 2010. In case I don't get on again, Merry Xmas, Happy New Year and God Bless all of you and your families!

I've Got a Few Updates....

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been on to write in a few days. It's been pretty busy around here lately, and I've had alot of work to do so I haven't had the time to come and spill my guts just yet. I don't have alot of time now as I've got a big deadline to meet by Monday and starting a challenging week of school--we're coming up with menus and recipes this week. It's exciting, but it's tough work when you have never done either one. There's alot of work this time around so I don't have much of it to waste procrastinating, which as you know, is usually what I'm doing when I get on here and write for hours. lol Everything seems to be coming at me at once, especially since this is my fourth week of class, birthdays are coming up, I still need to do my things on here for you guys and keep you all updated, and who can forget about the holiday season itself---its stressful! I'm also the co-owner of a group on a virtual reality site and we've got some big deadlines coming up; that's the big Monday deadline.

Problem is, most of my homework falls into that bracket as well, right along with panicking, church, sleep, procrastinating and the like. So I guess its time to prioritize and stick to what I really need to do when it's time to do it, huh? I mean, don't get me wrong--I like having something to do, I like putting my energies somewhere and feeling like I'm accomplishing something. My procrastinating and the fact that I'm easily and often distracted gets in the way, but when it's finally done and I can move on to something else, it feels good. When I have things to do and things on my plate, it's a good feeling. It beats the feeling I had last year, when I had nothing to do, nothing to say and nobody to say it to. I can deal with this, I just have to learn how to budget my time, properly prioritize and stop putting things off. If I can do those things, I'll be just peachy.

Anyway, personally I guess I'm not doing so great; I mean I'm eating a little again but my stomach is acting up so much I end up panicking afterward every time so I can't even enjoy being full anymore, I don't even remember what being 'full' is like anymore I eat so little. My sleeping has completely switched on me again, I can't tell you how frustrating that is and how it really throws off my day. I am panicking or in some state of panic most of the time, especially at night as you all already know, which is another reason why actually having something to do with my night isn't so bad. It beats watching bad tv and wondering how I'm gonna get through the night alone without losing my mind. Me and dude aren't doing so well, but that's life I guess. I'm making the term 'pushover' into an art form though, I'll say that. Draw your own conclusions, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I had to face an area of life that gives me problems the other afternoon, I had to go to a funeral of a close family friend. It was hard but it didn't hit me until I got to the cemetery, which is also the same one my grandma is at. The reality of it and future events that I wouldn't see him at just slapped me in the face. It didn't hit me as hard as my brother, who broke down when he got to the casket and it dawned on him too that he really wasn't coming back. I've known this man since I was 2 and things that all of us did together gave me some of my best and fondest childhood memories. I will always treasure that and his love for life, his desire to always have a good time and not take life too seriously. I don't like that we fell out of contact over the years after a falling out between the families and the next time we saw him, he'd already been diagnosed with cancer. He was a fighter and he hung in there for years after his diagnosis. I saw him for the last time about a day and a half before he passed on, and even then he kept his sense of humor about things and just wanted to see everyone one last time. It gave me closure because I knew he was ready to go and was just enjoying the time he had left, I saw that in his eyes. And because he was ready and made his peace with his fate, I did too. I also learned a lesson and came to a big decision about my own life, and even though it came in the face of a tragedy, I'll take them with me anyway because that's what he would have wanted, not me crying over something I can't control. I love you, Nemo. Thanks for all the memories. You'll always have a place in my heart. A bit of my childhood is gone with you and I miss you already. Thanks for loving us. R.I.P.

I still haven't made my peace with death or grief yet, but I think I will at some point. When it gets down to it, what other choice do you have? I'll admit, I briefly considered going back in my little bubble where I was alone because it meant I wasn't getting close to anyone, which meant I wouldn't have to deal with grief or death. Problem is, it's a part of life and I'd do better to accept it sooner rather than later. I'd love to pretend I don't know that, but that'd just be doing myself a disservice and I'm already trying to recover from enough of those and get over my problems with dishonesty. I can't deal with others lying to me, I can't turn around and do that to myself. I always thought that was the worst kind of lie to tell, a lie to yourself. When its someone else, they can always decide whether or not to take your word for it. But when you're lying to someone else, the truth is always screaming out in your head. You always know how you really feel about someone and the truth is always blasting in your mind while your mouth can be speaking the very opposite. But when that lie is to yourself, there's nobody to blame for the lie, there's nobody to come and correct the situation, it's all on you. And you already know what the situation really is so the lie is redundant and only done to make yourself feel better about something you probably already know you should or shouldn't be doing so you tell the lie to absolve yourself of guilt or any other bad feelings. But you know it's a lie when you're doing it most times because you already know the truth and just aren't ready or don't want to deal with it. Once you get started believing your own lies, it's hard to break the habit. That's why I think it's the worst kind of lie to tell.

Anyway, I wasn't going to lie and say that being in a bubble keeps you from hurt. It keeps you from everything and everyone and that hurts a hell of a lot more. I know that from experience and the thought of going back there instead of putting my big girl britches on and dealing with my emotions shouldn't have even crossed my mind. But I was looking for an escape and I knew it, that's why I didn't give the thought any real consideration. Besides that, I'm too far out to go back now. I don't know how to consciously decide to go back to that. Which is proof to me that it's not where I need to be. Life is full of emotions, and many of those can be hard or painful. I have to learn that and how to deal with it if I expect to learn to live my life free of anxiety. If I don't and I choose to run, I know it puts me at risk to be at the bottom again. I've worked my ass off this year. I'm not gonna risk it. Especially right now; even though things don't sound so great personally I feel like something internally is in transition, like things are changing or God is getting me ready for the next chapter. It feels like a good change though. And you know what? I'm ready for it this time. So I don't want to risk it by going back into a bubble where I'm not moving here or there, forward or backward. And neither should you. I know it's scary when you're in the trenches and that affects your desire to move forward, but think about what you're gonna feel like and what you're gonna do when you come out the other side. Despite the fact that most of the time I feel like this has ruined my life and you probably do too, I'm not letting go of what I want and I know that in some ways, this also helped me to grow and I'm going to come out of this so much smarter and more understanding with the ways of the world and how I fit into it. I hope the same and better for you.

Hmm....I said before I started writing that this was gonna be a short post; say what I gotta say about the site and go; I have alot of work to do. Guess I still needed to get some things off my chest. Thanks for listening. The real reason I came on tonight was just to tell you that I'm getting a clearer idea of the network I want to open for folks like us and to let you all know I found some links that would be helpful, either for those who are just learning about this and even for those like me who didn't know why in some situations anxiety may be worse. I'll be back later to post those. I'm really excited to tell you all about everything I want to do for this network, but I gotta get details and stuff together before I do that. I hope all is well in your lives and you're making the steps you have to make to put this chapter behind you; life is beautiful and if caged birds can sing, we can live. Corny I know, but its true. Let's live in beauty, strength and recovery, not fear, doubt and anxiety.

The Importance of Your Support System

I cannot stress to you enough the importance of having a support system when you're trying to recover from anxiety. If you are new to this disorder and are still trying to find your way, one of the best pieces of advice I think I'm capable of giving at this stage in my own recovery is to find a support system and cling on to it for all its worth. Whether its a group of friends, a church group, your relatives, or a mix of people who may or may not all know each other, find people in your life that are accepting of your condition and reach out to them. Learn not to always lean on yourself and lean on others. During this time it is going to be something that you will treasure. I'll tell you the truth, when you begin the long road to recovery, you will slip. You will fall. But if you have the right support system, you will get back up. You will keep going. And ultimately, you can and will recover. But it is going to get worse before it gets better, I can promise that. When it is at its worst is when you can either learn the most or hurt the most. Please, PLEASE choose to learn. It's when I decided to learn and it's helped me in leaps and bounds on the road I've taken since then. It is almost impossible to recover without anyone by your side, even if they can't do anything but let you know that you're going to be ok and give you the reassurance that you need. Those of you with established support systems already know how much that means when the chips are down and you can't calm yourself. Support systems are and should be an encouragement and inspiration to you not to give up and to keep trying.

However, those of you with established support systems also know that not just anyone can come in and immediately become part of your support system. I don't mean that to sound like this is a VIP thing or that only certain people are good enough, because that's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that not everyone is right for it---some people are more negative than positive but disguise it as being 'realistic' and that's not what you need at this time. Yes, you need the reality of situations and you need to acknowledge the good and bad parts, but primarily you should be focusing on the good, which is your recovery and your ability to beat this disorder in its entirety. Not everyone can focus on the good, for whatever reasons they may have and that's ok. It's just not what you need, unless you can handle it without it breaking your stride. That's entirely up to you and how you choose to handle situations.

I'm not saying that the way I am explaining this will work for everyone; motivation and inspiration doesn't always come from seeing the positive. But in my experience and for what helps push me to keep going, I draw my strength from the positive. When I draw it from the negative, it pushes me until I'm no longer angry or I realize I have detached emotionally from the situation and then I run out of steam because the emotion that initially prompted me to move is no longer as strong as it was. The positive in some cases will always be there, and that means you always have something to draw from that can't and won't hurt you. Getting strength from the negative is basically getting strength from something that hurts. And you don't want to recover and look back on this time and realize you only got better because you were hurt, because in a way that's like saying you got better to spite someone else or to prove them wrong. The latter is okay in some ways, but don't let that be your primary driving force. I can assure you it doesn't taste as sweet when you realize this success is based off of or drawn from something negative. It doesn't leave you with anything positive to look back on so that you can help someone else in the same situation later. And you don't want to motivate someone else by telling them to look at the negatives and who's against them--what can that teach them?? Nothing. What did it teach you? Yes, you got better and that is amazing, kudos to you for it, but what did you learn about people and leaning on others and the importance of positivity in your life? Nothing.

Back to what I was saying earlier. Sometimes you may be up at night panicking and you need someone to call. We all know that after a certain time of the night, not everyone is going to be so understanding if you call them, flipping out. And that's ok. Not everyone is going to or supposed to be understanding. But those who you consider to be your support system need to be understanding. It's almost a requirement because with that understanding comes your comfort, and you need that too. If you're not comfortable with the people you have chosen to help you through this journey, how can you learn or expect to be comfortable with those outside of it? So make sure your support system consists of people you know you can call during those late night panic attacks. If you're like me and you worry about disturbing their sleep, this will also be a time to not only test their commitment to your recovery, but it will also allow you to learn how to lean on yourself as well. I know I said earlier that you need to learn to lean on others for help, but you also have to maintain the ability to depend on yourself. Remember this is a recovery and after you have fully beaten this, you'll be back to dealing with regular issues. You need to learn how to be your own person and not always rely on the help of others, but you also have to know when it's okay to reach out your hand for help. If your support system is what is should be, their hand will already be extended to pull you up to safety. :-)

So I came up with a list for my support system. These are the things that I am looking for in my support, things that I feel would assist me the most in beating this. Feel free to come up with your own--this will teach you what you are looking for, help you to see why you are looking for it, and how it will help you recover. I am not saying this particular list is for everyone so don't immediately think that just because I said this that you have to have the same kind of list; this is just what works for me personally. What helps me may not help you and that is going to be very important to keep in mind. Your recovery is also about relearning your options and how to use them. My list can help you along, but it's important that you also come up with something that works for you.

My support system first and foremost has to be accepting and able to withhold judgment. During anxiety attacks, I can't worry that if I go to someone for help that they're judging the way I look during an attack. And no, I don't mean appearance as in clothing or makeup or the like. But I know that I tend to act weird or shifty during an attack and if we're out in public, that brings quite a bit of unwanted attention, which makes me more self-conscious about these things than I already am, which increases my desire to fight them out and hide them from everyone else, which as we already know, makes things worse. If I am having an attack in private and I know that the person or people I am around at the time will not look at me any differently for how I look during the attack and how it differs from the norm, my comfort level around them increases dramatically and I can either have the full-on attack or I don't have the desire to fight it back as much, which surprisingly helps me get over it faster. Sometimes trying to hide it makes it worse, but when you attempt to let it come out and play, you can get it over with because you're not worrying about having the attack then trying to hide it on top of that.

Secondly, my support system needs to be encouraging. When I'm feeling down, and that is quite often, I know I can go to someone in my support system to help me to not be negative about my condition and show me that despite the hard time I have had, ultimately my story will benefit someone else and the lessons I have learned are going to be a blessing to someone down the road. When I feel like giving up, the support system jumps in and helps me stay afloat and away from the negativity that all too often threatens to overwhelm me. They remind me of the good things in my life and everything I have or will have to fight for. They help to keep my thoughts away from the bad, towards the good, and on the mindset that even though this disorder is going to be hard to conquer, it's not impossible and I have the strength to do it. I don't always believe that, but them telling me that encourages me to fight, which shows me that I do have that strength. They make me use it when I think I've used it all already.

I can't talk about having support systems without mentioning the obvious, the people in your support circle must be supportive!! They have to acknowledge that you will have your bad days with this and the ones who aren't in it for you will remind you of this later when they need something from you, while the ones who are will accept the days you may need them more than others and keep going, because they understand that not every day is going to be easy for you or them. They have to be able to let you know when you are trying to take on too much, which can happen in separate occasions--you've had a string of good days and due to the confidence you gained, you decide to take on something that is either alot of pressure or that you're probably not ready for yet, or you get fed up and decide that you're going to just do everything the way you used to without trying to ease yourself into it. Yes, sometimes the 'head first' approach works, but other times it does not and it could and often does backfire. This is a long, often slow, definitely frustrating process but in learning that, you learn patience and the importance of doing something gradually and re-establishing comfort zones to something normal and not something done from an irrational fear. It can be tempting to try to jump head first into your 'old' life when you have had a string of good days or even good weeks, but it is important not to overload yourself too soon or it can backfire and you will fall backwards, sometimes worse than it was the first time you relapsed. I learned this one the hard way. It's okay to go gradually; don't let the fast-paced demeanor of everyone else rush you into this faster than you should go. Your support system should be supportive of how you're going about reclaiming your life and of the good strides you have made, and not reminding you of the times you needed them more. Even when it is a tad frustrating for them and you (and at some point, it will be more for you than them), they should still be supportive of your plans after recovery and the things you are doing to get from where you are now to where you want to be. You can tell the difference between when someone is talking you out of doing something because they care about your welfare and when they are doing it to be negative but disguising it as looking out for you. Be alert of that, but if they are part of your support system, you should already be able to tell the difference.

My support system has to have some level of faith or confidence in me and my abilities. For me, this is one of the most important, if not the most important one, to have. If you don't have faith that I can get better and you're not confident that I will try hard enough or do what I need to do, how can you possibly encourage me from your heart? Exactly--you can't. And I don't need to be lied to, especially not at this time. I need you to be in this for me, with my best intentions at heart. You cannot genuinely encourage me to beat this if deep down, you don't believe that I can. I learned the hard way the other morning that someone close to me didn't have this and I didn't know it, which is what prompted me to write this blog. Many times when we are looking down the road to recovery, we don't have the faith and confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do this. The saying 'if you don't love yourself/have faith and confidence in yourself, you can't expect anyone else to either' is true in a way, but at the same time, realizing that others have it for you or see potential in you when you do not can motivate you to get better so that you can start using whatever it is that they seem to see in you. I didn't and still don't have alot of faith or confidence in myself or my abilities, but hearing that my mom or someone else in my support system does makes me feel 10x better and it gives me the courage to at least try a little. If they see this in me, how can I waste it by not trying to help myself? Along the way as I re-learn to do these things and I rack up more successes than failures, my faith and confidence starts to grow because I leaned on theirs to take that first step and now look at me. You see what I am saying? If those closest to me do not even believe that I can beat this, there is no way I can lean on them for support because of course they're not gonna tell me, "I don't think you can recover." They're going to tell me the 'right things' because they know its the right thing to do, but it won't be from their heart and that does not make it possible to believe them and it's not something I want to have while I'm trying to get better. It's like trying to build the foundation of a house with bricks but no cement. Nothing's binding the bricks together so it is always possible that the house will collapse. It makes no sense to keep building if the bottom is slipping, does it? Neither does trying to recover and leaning on words with no weight to them, which is exactly what you'll be doing if your support system has no faith or confidence in your ability to get better. Not only is that bad, but it also encourages you to backslide, especially if you don't have those two things yet. This person close to you doesn't have those two things? It encourages you to worry about yourself as a person and you end up backsliding because if this person doesn't believe in you and they're close to you, there must be no reason to try. That's not true and don't buy into that belief because I can guarantee, you will fall because of it. And unlike other falls where your support system can pick you up and you can keep going, if you fall into that belief you're not going to believe what anyone else says because it is so ingrained on your mind that someone you love does not agree with them, so you continue to wallow in that. The longer it takes for you to get up, the harder it will be to start going again. Don't allow yourself to backslide over that. Just make sure you surround yourself with people who feel good about you and the direction your life is supposed to take and then take that first step to getting better.

The last two points I can combine into one paragraph because I see this is getting a tad lengthy. Big shocker there, huh? My support system needs to help reacquaint me with the world and not blame me for the situations my condition may cause. It is important for the 'circle' to encourage your recovery, but they can also assist in getting you one step closer to it instead of letting you grow stagnant at the same level of recovery. Allow them to expose you gradually to normal situations instead of always shooting them down and assuming you can't do it. That's one thing that separates recovery from being stagnant---taking those small steps, which become big steps later. The support system should encourage you in the moments where you are stagnant, and then try to get you back out there, but slowly and only doing small things at one time, not big situations that you may fall in if its too early. Remember, I am speaking from a perspective where everything was lost and I had to gain everything back. It may not be this low of a level for you, or it may be lower than mine. Only you know that; just try to apply this to your own life. Secondly, I am aware that it was hard for my family to understand why for years I could not go to recitals and plays and award ceremonies and dinners out. It was hard for friends to comprehend why I couldn't go to bars with them, or to parties or weddings or just out to lunch for a quick bite. It was hard for boyfriends to realize why I couldn't go out on dates with them, or even go over to their house just so we weren't always at my house. I knew that and that always made it worse for me, especially when their frustration over that was taken out on me and I was blamed for why I couldn't go. My brothers and sister used to get angry at me for not being able to go, my mom would get frustrated that accommodations usually had to be made for me, friends who didn't understand thought I was bailing on them and stopped talking to me, boyfriends got mad and thought I was just being difficult. If people are in my support system, they have to understand that there are going to be times where I can't go or that sometimes accommodations are going to have to be made if they really want me there. And if they're really in it for me, they won't be frustrated and if they are they realize it's not my fault and don't take that anger out on me. In addition to all I am going through, I don't need blame that I can't control on my shoulders as well. And neither do you.

In case you can't tell by now, that last one is very important for me to have in my own support system and I think it should be equally important for yours. However, there is one important thing I need you to remember. Yes, your support system should be dedicated and willing to help you get through this. But, they have their own lives too and you have to let them live them. Say you're at home panicking and someone you would usually call is out at a party but told you that you can call them anytime. It's okay to call them; hey, they put the offer out there. Another way you can tell who is in this for you is in situations like this, and I'll explain that briefly so I can get back to my initial point.
((If they tell you to call them anytime you need anything, do just that. Sometimes the worry of inconveniencing them stops you from calling and you end up panicking alone, but if they offered, then do it. Toss that worry out the window and call. Whether it be the middle of the night, middle of the day, whenever. See how they handle it. If they handle it favorably and genuinely seem to be okay with the fact that you called and try to help you through it without rushing you along, you've found a winner. If they seem bothered, don't listen and turn the conversation on themselves or try to rush you off the phone, then its obvious they said the words but had no meaning behind them.))
Anyway, back to my original point. Yes, its okay to call them because they did offer. But don't hog the conversation--I know that when it gets really bad its hard to talk about anything but the anxiety and what it is doing to you, trust me I've been there--but you run the line of appearing selfish. Remember, they're in it for you and if they're really there, this can take its toll on them as well. Remember and acknowledge that they have lives too. Let them have them. It can be tempting to call someone every time you have an attack, but learning coping tips and remembering what I just said can help you learn how to handle these on your own. Use your support system, but don't take them for granted. This is not an invitation to be selfish and make their lives about you as well. When I started worrying that I was doing that, I found other ways to still be a friend to them, both to show my gratitude for their support and to reconnect myself with the outside world as I was still homebound at the time. I invited them over, I asked them about their problems and tried to help--I think I truly learned to listen when I was going through my worst parts of the anxiety. It's hard when they are there for you all the time to not spill everything about the anxiety every time you speak, but you don't have to give into it all the time. Keep a journal for the rest of that, because sometimes, that friend may need you instead. If you can't do a lot, like with me I couldn't leave with my friends, at one time I couldn't even have them at my house to visit, so you can't really socialize with them, just try your hardest to be there for them as much as you can. It's hard to leave the bubble that anxiety creates, but this is another thing to learn in recovery. But my point is, don't abuse your support system. Remember that they have lives and problems as well.

So just to review, the things I require or ask for in a support circle are:

*Encouragement

*Acceptance and lack of judgment

*Support

*Faith or confidence in me

*Helping me to reacquaint myself with the rest of the world

*Not blaming me for my condition

At the same time, there are things that I need to do for my support circle to show them my gratitude:

*Listening to their problems if they need it

*Resisting the urge to be selfish

*Letting them know how much their support means to me

*Being appreciative

*Supporting and encouraging what they want to do in their own lives

*Showing them that their support is not in vain--showing them my efforts to improve

*Not abusing their position in my life

*Not taking my frustrations out on them

*Saying thank you---trust me, it goes a long way!

Of course, as with everything else I have said in this post, this is just my personal perspective, which is why this is your homework. Come up with a list of things you feel you will need from your support circle in order to help you get better. At the same time, come up with another list of things you need to do for your circle. They may need you as much as you need them; don't take them or what they're doing for you for granted.

Surrounded by Death

Lately it seems as though my entire life is starting to revolve around death in some form. I am hearing about it more and more in the news, someone who is like family to me died last Saturday, a member of our church lost his teenage son last night, my own pastor's son accidentally killed himself a couple of years ago and they're still dealing with that, it's all over tv shows and movies, my fear of that keeps it in my head quite often, one of my favorite shows deals with people who died and haven't crossed over, celebrities are dying all around us, it's everywhere. When I hear that someone has died, the first thing I do is panic a little. How'd they die? Are they at peace? How is their family? When is it ok to move on? I don't mean that last question to be insensitive, but I don't know how to grieve. I know how to take the pain with me and keep going, and not dwell on the actual event. I guess distracting myself and only letting it emerge briefly is how I grieve. I dunno. All I know is when I hear that someone has passed away, I want to know when I can move on with my life without anyone feeling that I'm being a jerk. I just don't know how to dwell on the pain without sinking in it, so I try not to do it. Is that wrong?

In a way it scares me, always has, but scares me even more now because it makes me worry about the future. Is there even a point in planning for the future if more people around me are going to die? Almost every time the phone rings or I get some kind of text, I expect bad news. When I hear that someone has died, one of the first things I do is try to find someone who's not connected to it, someone who isn't grieving. I guess in a way it keeps me out of that bubble and farther away from sinking into some kind of depression or anxiety that I can't get out of. I hope that's not insensitive, but grief scares me senseless. It's suffocating. It feels like a bottomless pit and it's a glaring sign that things have changed and someone is no longer with us. Then the anxiety kicks in and I find myself dreading everything for fear of dying or someone around me dying. One of my biggest fears is losing my mom or one of my close relatives and/or friends. I worry that I won't know how to function without them around and now that death seems to be everywhere, I feel like I have to accept the fact that I'm going to lose them at some point in the near future. Maybe it's a rational fear, maybe it isn't. I've been slipping with the anxiety lately and with all these things that keep happening, in addition to everything else that's going on--most of which isn't good--I'm becoming more and more afraid. I'll say this though, I'm tired of being surrounded by death. I'm tired of hearing that yet another family is hurting and nothing can help them. I wish nobody died, as immature of a wish as that is to make. I wish we could change that and the person didn't have to die or instead of everyone hurting and being angry for years, we could be happy and celebrate the life they lived and not have any pain on our hearts. But hearing about all of these deaths in a weird way helps me appreciate new life. I was afraid of being knocked up last month, but this has shown me life is short. I want to celebrate new life. I'm not really in a position to get knocked up (which, considering current circumstances, is probably a good thing in a REALLY awful-looking yet effective disguise) but if I found out I was, I wouldn't be angry anymore. It's time to have a good time and celebrate something good. No more pain. No more hurt. No more anxiety. No more grief, or black, or funerals, or viewings, or wakes or flowers or crying. Just happiness and life and good times and laughter and sunshine. I know, not realistic. But a girl can dream, right?

Confidantes and Confusion

Are any of you a confidante for someone else? Do you serve as a mentor of sorts for a younger person, helping them through their struggles and encouraging them to go after their dreams? Are you a role model, someone who others can look up to and get motivation from to stay on the right path? I'd like to be something like that for younger people, I just don't know how. I mean, I remember being 15 and 16 but I didn't need a mentor--God blessed me with logic and I didn't abandon it often for a feeling that I already knew wouldn't last past my high school years. That kept me out of alot of trouble during those four years, because I definitely had a wild streak. Still do. But logic kept me out of trouble then, anxiety keeps me out of trouble now. So I guess God's always looked out for me, even when I certainly didn't deserve it. But because of that, I was able to emerge alot more responsible and able to keep my eyes on whatever prize I wanted. There are alot of my classmates that I run into at the store, and they're still about the partying and drinking and working at some kind of job that was bound to go nowhere and they know it. And hey, maybe that works for them, I dunno. But there's no career aspirations, no motivation, no goals. It's just about getting from Monday to Friday and partying the weekend and paycheck away. I guess I'm uptight, but I just don't see the fun in that. I don't mind partying the weekend away if that's what strikes my fancy, but I wouldn't call it the highlight of my week. I have other things to do. But I have goals and aspirations and dreams, and I'd like to think my head's screwed on straight.....most of the time. I think I have good things to say and I don't think I'd guide a teen in the wrong direction. I may not be as daring or risky as alot of kids are these days at that age and they probably find me stupid or boring, but I know that being stupid and boring at the right times gets you success and happiness in the end.

But like I said before, I guess teens can't find me relatable. I wouldn't mind being a confidante for someone who needs it or some kind of mentor for someone who needs a better example in their lives. Unfortunately, all the teens I know either already have one, don't need one, don't want one or for some reason just don't want me to help them. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, like maybe I'm giving off a bad vibe to them or something but my point is that it stinks. Like take alot of the younger girls at my church, for example. I do understand why they don't go to the older women for help; many of them will end up just preaching and not really guiding. I don't go to many of them for the same reason. Yes, I want to hear about how I can be a better Christian and how to get to be who God intended for me to be, but I also want someone to take me under their wing and just be there for me as a friend. Someone who is older and won't try to compete with me, won't talk behind my back, understands where I'm coming from and who can help me. So I understand why the other women in church aren't consulted as much, and I know they can't help it; they're set in their ways and that's the only way they know how to give advice. I'm not judging them, I'm just saying it is hard to get them on the same level with you so that you can hear something you can actually use instead of feeling like you have to defend yourself and your actions later. If I wanted all that, I'd talk to my dad. lol So trust, I get it.

There aren't many younger women in the church around my age, and I have the 'privilege' of falling into a rare category at the church: female, no children, not married, little life experience and for the most part, single as a jaybird. That alone puts me into another category, this one not so rare:: LOSER. lol But in any case, there aren't many women around my age at my church and many of them are in one or more of the categories I just said. Because I am not and I'm new to God and trying to get my life together in that manner (as are many of them) I thought I would be able to help them because I don't have any of those things holding me down and I'm by myself, as are many of them. But for some reason, I guess because I come across as a goody two shoes or boring, the younger girls feel they can't relate. It stinks. I just see the younger girls at church and I can see that they might need someone in their corner, because they're all going through some things. I would love to be the person they go to when they need help understanding something or the person who can get through to them and help them make things right, or just someone who can help guide them. It sounds like it would be a good feeling, to say that for once I helped or to hear that I was of help. I dunno if that's an ego or credit thing or actually being able to help. But who knows, maybe God feels I'm not ready to be that kind of influence just yet. And hey, maybe I'm not. I want to have something on my side, something good in my corner, so that I can at least show that being the way I am does have its benefits. I've come a long way in my struggle and I've still got a long way to go, and being their age isn't so foreign that I'm out of touch with younger kids these days. I remember being 16 and 17 and not having a care, but I also remember being 21 and 22 and seeing how quickly your life can change. Anxiety for the most part has ruined my life but at the same time it has saved me from alot of potentially bad decisions and bad situations. I'm not gonna run around telling these girls to develop anxiety or anything LOL, but I can stress the importance of using logic and sound mind in decisions and learning not to always live in the moment, because learning that also keeps you from bad decisions. Alot of people always end up making the decisions they regret later because they're attached to the feeling it brings, but they never think about what happens after that feeling goes away. Anxiety taught me to think about what happens after that feeling goes away and if I feel regret, or shame or embarrassment, I know what I want is an 'of the moment' thing and I rethink my decision to do it. Alot of girls, alot of people in general, would stand to benefit from thinking that way. I've just always wanted to be something good for someone else, I hope that God gives me the tools to be able to do that someday.

As for the confusion, me and dude are still having problems, but only from my point of view. From the way he sees things, we're just peachy. I don't know how to let him know I'm really not happy and I can see from the shift in my feelings this past week that time is definitely of the essence. We had a good conversation on the phone last night and I found out that I suppose according to him, getting married is on the cards. If this had been said a few weeks ago, I would have been so excited because I wanted nothing more than that. But now, I'm still excited but I'm also a little confused. Because I've been unhappy for so long and emotionally I've pulled away so much, getting married and being unhappy sounds about as fun as a root canal. I love him, but due to my feelings starting to change, I know I can and will leave if I have to. The feelings I have now don't have to be permanent, they can always change to how I felt before and that thought gives me peace, but it's unsettling to see that they may be changing because God is about to bring someone new into my life who can give me what I really want since it's becoming apparent that dude is too caught up in fighting his own troubles to help me through any of mine. Just because two people love each other and want to get married doesn't mean that it will happen. A friend of mine had two dreams, one where me and dude got married and another where I married someone else. Not long after the unhappiness kicked in, I had the same two dreams. Then recently, an old friend from childhood has been popping in and out of the picture, telling me how I'm special and he wants to talk to me. I feel like I mean something to him, like I really am special. I don't have any romantic feelings for him---we knew each other when we were in diapers, I've seen him and his brother naked lol...ew--never have, probably never will, but all the things he's telling me are things I need to be hearing from dude. But he chooses to act like if we broke up it wouldn't have any effect on him at all, that he wouldn't fight for us, that there's nothing particularly significant or different about me or our relationship. He doesn't seem in any hurry to hear what's on my mind or what's going on in my life. He doesn't act like he cares very much at all and I've had a rough couple of months. I've needed him and he just hasn't been there so emotionally, I can feel myself starting to slip away from the relationship. But then yesterday we're on the phone and he mentions us getting married. Thought he was kidding but he said he wasn't. It's a complete 180 from the actions I have been seeing and trying not to react off of. I hear things like that and I have to remind myself that I can be fooled by actions, but then again, you can be fooled by words as well. There are times where he'll be acting so non-chalant and then be serious and say something like that, and I have to take a step back. Not out of fear, but so that I can remember that I wasn't always this unhappy, and that these things and feelings that I have can change. My question now is, do I even want them to change? Or am I excited about the prospect of marrying him for the sake of being married and not for the person I am taking these vows with?

Late Night Problems

Needless to say, I'm having problems at night again. Not problems in the way that I used to in which I was afraid of the nighttime because it made me panic, but just jittery and more on edge at night. Now that I only have one class to worry about (and thank God for it lol) and I'm actually staying on task, I find myself with more time on my hands during these hours. Since I'm back to staying up all night, it's hard to find things to do to keep me occupied and not worrying or panicking over something. It's been rough, especially since the time change. It's funny how when I didn't really have the time to do anything but schoolwork it was easy for me to get distracted and now that I actually have the time to spare, I can't think of or find anything to do. So of course, this creates problems. My support system is once again gone---my entire system from last year has shifted and my new one is always busy-for example, dude (who should be part of it) is probably either out or asleep (in any case, he's not around), my mom is sick and she's asleep anyway, my uncle went to sleep hours ago, the other is asleep and the others are at a bachelorette party--one that I myself should be at but had to duck out because my mom wasn't feeling well. I feel bad for being angry that again, something that I wanted to do couldn't be done. But it is what it is and I am angry. I know it's not my mom's fault and I'm not angry at her, I'm just mad at the situation in general because it stinks. The long of the short of it is, I'm by myself again.

Late night tv sucks. That makes it harder, because there's nothing to watch either. I have no idea how to get through the night without giving into the urge to panic, simply because there's nothing else to do. Then to add onto the stress, the kids have the entire next week out of school. No offense to them, but I could really use the time away from them. Since my sleeping is off, I'm asleep during their school hours and I wake up not long before or after they come home. I have the nights to myself but that's just it--they're to just me and there's not really anything to do so how can you enjoy it? So because of how my sleeping is at the moment, it's like I'm always with them and they are a huge source of my stress. I'd love to get away from them for just a little while. I don't say that to be mean, but its the truth. I'd love to just get away from....everything. Everyone. No problems, no budgets, no sickness, no fighting, no feeling neglected, no relationship drama, no negativity. Boy does that sound nice. Too bad I just described eternal life and not a life I can actually have yet. lol

As Promised.....

Hello again! As promised, I am back with those couple of links I was talking to you about earlier. I have not gotten the chance to check these links out for myself, but that is another reason why I am going to post them anyway, so that I can hear from you guys what these sites are all about. By the end of the year, I hope to have a list of links that actually work, so that we can start weeding out the links that are traps or do not work and get the word out to others who are seeking recovery from anxiety. Here's the first one.

http://www.bringchange2mind.org/-- This link I actually saw on tv; if you haven't seen it yet, it features the actress Glenn Close and her sister, who suffers from bipolar disorder. I heard about the two of them teaming up to bring more awareness to mental disorders awhile ago, but I didn't realize they were teaming up for this particular website. I just went to it a couple of minutes ago, and they even have a crisis number you can call. We all know finding one of those is rare for anxiety these days unless you're contemplating suicide (which I hope and pray none of you are doing!) They've got pages on Facebook and YouTube, so you can friend them and view their commercials so you can see what they're about.

http://www.anxietytalknow.com/-- From the looks of it, this appears to be another anxiety social community, where you're encouraged to tell your story and get some resources for your particular mental disorder, whether it be anxiety disorder, OCD, agoraphobia, or something similar. They've got forums, a store with video and audiotapes, and apparently a tv show that's free to members, which gives me the impression that this specific website isn't entirely free. Who knows though. I think you should still give it a go and let me know if there are any prices involved---remember, we're trying to keep things free around these parts. :)

http://www.socialphobia.org/current.html-- This site is pretty self-explanatory; it focuses on social phobias and related disorders and while I didn't give you the link to the homepage, I gave you the link to a page where there are more resources for you to check out about anxiety and the like. Let me know how many of those links pan out.

http://www.npadnews.com/anxiety-symptoms.asp-- This link would probably be better for those who are at the beginning steps of their process and are finding a way to tell family about the disorder. As I have said in past blogs about the first steps of anxiety recovery which are much like any other disorder or addiction, family and friends need to be alerted to what you're going through, what it causes and what is happening in your body. It is important for you to understand those three things not only for yourself, but so that you will be as informed as possible when you let your loved ones know as well. Since like I said in the past blog, anxiety is a household name but still has its fair share of skeptics--bringing knowledge like what's presented on this page will show them the real facts. This disorder does manifest itself physically as well as mentally and what I like about this page as well is that it talks about what the body is going through with some of these symptoms. Remember the post I did sometime either earlier this year or late last year where I told you to find a page that goes into detail about the symptoms and what it does to the body during an attack and pass those papers out to family when you tell them? This page would be perfect for that. Having the facts right there makes it harder to dispell them, and since it explains exactly what the body is going through for some of the symptoms will allow those that you tell to take a small walk in your shoes and gain a little understanding. And even for those who know about anxiety and have told friends and family, sometimes we still do not know all the symptoms in case suddenly a new one pops up during an attack and we're thrown for a loop, or we want to understand what's going on during one or what's going on during certain symptoms of the attack. Again, the page is perfect.


Well, as I said earlier I didn't have alot of links this time around but I'll be doing some nosing and snooping around for the next few days and see if I can find anything. Let me know how those links turned out, let me know of any links you found on your own, and we'll get started on that list. Have a great Monday everyone! And don't forget to breathe. At first I thought that technique would never work on me, but then I realized it wasn't because the technique was ineffective, it was because I wasn't allowing it to work. When you actually make yourself close your eyes and focus on taking that deep breath in and letting it back out, you do feel calmer and you can sometimes feel the slowing of your heart by the time you're done. Take a deep breath and count to five if you're extra anxious or stressed. It may not take the entire attack away, but it does a good job of taking an attack from a 7 to a 5, which gives you time to find something that will distract you long enough to take the attack away. Breathe, folks. It'll do ya a world of good. And keep you alive, which is also good. :D lol Happy Monday!

My Apologies.

Hey guys! I've got some great links I'd like you all to check out and I'll post them later on tonight after I finish this post and some homework. I saw them today and it reminded me that I was beginning to neglect the true reason I even started this blog because I was wrapped up in my own issues. Yes, those issues brought me anxiety and its my anxiety-related issues so I need to work through them like any other ones I have so I still posted the entries, but it's been a couple of months since I took the focus off a personal perspective and showed you guys something about actual anxiety. It's been awhile since I've even talked about anything else besides dude (coincidentally, the thing that at one time made me happiest is currently the biggest cause of my anxiety. Go figure, huh? ::sigh:: I won't say anything else about that in this post, I promise.). And for that you've got my sincerest apologies. I did not realize until I saw some links this morning and got excited about posting them to you all that I hadn't done that in awhile, which made me feel bad. Here I am ranting and raving about wanting to be some advocate for anxiety, this 'anonymous voice of the nervous' lol and I'm slacking on my little part already. From the bottom of my heart guys, I'm sorry. I've got alot going on and I know that's no excuse and I don't want you to think I'm using it as one. I just got wrapped up in my own issues and how I was going to work through my anxiety to get through the problems since it was the anxiety causing them and that's all fine and dandy. Problem is, I forgot how to be an anxiety blogger as well as an anxiety sufferer. At some point, I crossed the line to being a woe-is-me, in the dark sufferer again because of this change in my life and I vowed I wouldn't go back there. It's hard to do though, cuz I'll be honest: It's a thin line. :) But that doesn't matter. I promised I wasn't going to be quiet about this disorder or what it can do to us and I'm not going to go back on that simply because there's something going on with me. We all need a voice and I'm sorry I haven't been doing my job with that lately. I'm going to try harder though from here on out though, I promise. I am going to do my best to stay on top of whatever comes out about anxiety or related mental health issues so I can keep you guys informed, keep including the links, keep making the blog better and not letting it grow stagnant (I realized I was doing that too--again, I'm sorry), and make sure to keep you guys informed of whatever changes I am making in my own life to beat this. That is my promise. Come hell or high water, I'm gonna keep it. Anxiety is becoming such a household name and I've never been more thankful. Despite that though, there are still tons who have heard of it and have no clue what it is and don't think to educate themselves. There are even more people who call it a 'cop out disorder,' meaning they don't think it has any grounds or merit to be considered a legit disorder for various reasons, some of which I'm sure you've heard by now. Point is, anxiety still needs a voice. We still need help, and resources, and support. I promised to do that and I haven't been owning up to it. I can't even begin to be angry that I have no help with my anxiety issues when I promised to be of some help to those who feel like I do but I haven't pulled through with my end of the bargain. I know it can't work like that and I need to start putting out more if I expect to be able to pull in more. So for my negligence of this blog and its original intentions, I really am sorry. I'll be back later tonight with those links; maybe I can find some more before then.  :)