The Importance of Your Support System

I cannot stress to you enough the importance of having a support system when you're trying to recover from anxiety. If you are new to this disorder and are still trying to find your way, one of the best pieces of advice I think I'm capable of giving at this stage in my own recovery is to find a support system and cling on to it for all its worth. Whether its a group of friends, a church group, your relatives, or a mix of people who may or may not all know each other, find people in your life that are accepting of your condition and reach out to them. Learn not to always lean on yourself and lean on others. During this time it is going to be something that you will treasure. I'll tell you the truth, when you begin the long road to recovery, you will slip. You will fall. But if you have the right support system, you will get back up. You will keep going. And ultimately, you can and will recover. But it is going to get worse before it gets better, I can promise that. When it is at its worst is when you can either learn the most or hurt the most. Please, PLEASE choose to learn. It's when I decided to learn and it's helped me in leaps and bounds on the road I've taken since then. It is almost impossible to recover without anyone by your side, even if they can't do anything but let you know that you're going to be ok and give you the reassurance that you need. Those of you with established support systems already know how much that means when the chips are down and you can't calm yourself. Support systems are and should be an encouragement and inspiration to you not to give up and to keep trying.

However, those of you with established support systems also know that not just anyone can come in and immediately become part of your support system. I don't mean that to sound like this is a VIP thing or that only certain people are good enough, because that's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that not everyone is right for it---some people are more negative than positive but disguise it as being 'realistic' and that's not what you need at this time. Yes, you need the reality of situations and you need to acknowledge the good and bad parts, but primarily you should be focusing on the good, which is your recovery and your ability to beat this disorder in its entirety. Not everyone can focus on the good, for whatever reasons they may have and that's ok. It's just not what you need, unless you can handle it without it breaking your stride. That's entirely up to you and how you choose to handle situations.

I'm not saying that the way I am explaining this will work for everyone; motivation and inspiration doesn't always come from seeing the positive. But in my experience and for what helps push me to keep going, I draw my strength from the positive. When I draw it from the negative, it pushes me until I'm no longer angry or I realize I have detached emotionally from the situation and then I run out of steam because the emotion that initially prompted me to move is no longer as strong as it was. The positive in some cases will always be there, and that means you always have something to draw from that can't and won't hurt you. Getting strength from the negative is basically getting strength from something that hurts. And you don't want to recover and look back on this time and realize you only got better because you were hurt, because in a way that's like saying you got better to spite someone else or to prove them wrong. The latter is okay in some ways, but don't let that be your primary driving force. I can assure you it doesn't taste as sweet when you realize this success is based off of or drawn from something negative. It doesn't leave you with anything positive to look back on so that you can help someone else in the same situation later. And you don't want to motivate someone else by telling them to look at the negatives and who's against them--what can that teach them?? Nothing. What did it teach you? Yes, you got better and that is amazing, kudos to you for it, but what did you learn about people and leaning on others and the importance of positivity in your life? Nothing.

Back to what I was saying earlier. Sometimes you may be up at night panicking and you need someone to call. We all know that after a certain time of the night, not everyone is going to be so understanding if you call them, flipping out. And that's ok. Not everyone is going to or supposed to be understanding. But those who you consider to be your support system need to be understanding. It's almost a requirement because with that understanding comes your comfort, and you need that too. If you're not comfortable with the people you have chosen to help you through this journey, how can you learn or expect to be comfortable with those outside of it? So make sure your support system consists of people you know you can call during those late night panic attacks. If you're like me and you worry about disturbing their sleep, this will also be a time to not only test their commitment to your recovery, but it will also allow you to learn how to lean on yourself as well. I know I said earlier that you need to learn to lean on others for help, but you also have to maintain the ability to depend on yourself. Remember this is a recovery and after you have fully beaten this, you'll be back to dealing with regular issues. You need to learn how to be your own person and not always rely on the help of others, but you also have to know when it's okay to reach out your hand for help. If your support system is what is should be, their hand will already be extended to pull you up to safety. :-)

So I came up with a list for my support system. These are the things that I am looking for in my support, things that I feel would assist me the most in beating this. Feel free to come up with your own--this will teach you what you are looking for, help you to see why you are looking for it, and how it will help you recover. I am not saying this particular list is for everyone so don't immediately think that just because I said this that you have to have the same kind of list; this is just what works for me personally. What helps me may not help you and that is going to be very important to keep in mind. Your recovery is also about relearning your options and how to use them. My list can help you along, but it's important that you also come up with something that works for you.

My support system first and foremost has to be accepting and able to withhold judgment. During anxiety attacks, I can't worry that if I go to someone for help that they're judging the way I look during an attack. And no, I don't mean appearance as in clothing or makeup or the like. But I know that I tend to act weird or shifty during an attack and if we're out in public, that brings quite a bit of unwanted attention, which makes me more self-conscious about these things than I already am, which increases my desire to fight them out and hide them from everyone else, which as we already know, makes things worse. If I am having an attack in private and I know that the person or people I am around at the time will not look at me any differently for how I look during the attack and how it differs from the norm, my comfort level around them increases dramatically and I can either have the full-on attack or I don't have the desire to fight it back as much, which surprisingly helps me get over it faster. Sometimes trying to hide it makes it worse, but when you attempt to let it come out and play, you can get it over with because you're not worrying about having the attack then trying to hide it on top of that.

Secondly, my support system needs to be encouraging. When I'm feeling down, and that is quite often, I know I can go to someone in my support system to help me to not be negative about my condition and show me that despite the hard time I have had, ultimately my story will benefit someone else and the lessons I have learned are going to be a blessing to someone down the road. When I feel like giving up, the support system jumps in and helps me stay afloat and away from the negativity that all too often threatens to overwhelm me. They remind me of the good things in my life and everything I have or will have to fight for. They help to keep my thoughts away from the bad, towards the good, and on the mindset that even though this disorder is going to be hard to conquer, it's not impossible and I have the strength to do it. I don't always believe that, but them telling me that encourages me to fight, which shows me that I do have that strength. They make me use it when I think I've used it all already.

I can't talk about having support systems without mentioning the obvious, the people in your support circle must be supportive!! They have to acknowledge that you will have your bad days with this and the ones who aren't in it for you will remind you of this later when they need something from you, while the ones who are will accept the days you may need them more than others and keep going, because they understand that not every day is going to be easy for you or them. They have to be able to let you know when you are trying to take on too much, which can happen in separate occasions--you've had a string of good days and due to the confidence you gained, you decide to take on something that is either alot of pressure or that you're probably not ready for yet, or you get fed up and decide that you're going to just do everything the way you used to without trying to ease yourself into it. Yes, sometimes the 'head first' approach works, but other times it does not and it could and often does backfire. This is a long, often slow, definitely frustrating process but in learning that, you learn patience and the importance of doing something gradually and re-establishing comfort zones to something normal and not something done from an irrational fear. It can be tempting to try to jump head first into your 'old' life when you have had a string of good days or even good weeks, but it is important not to overload yourself too soon or it can backfire and you will fall backwards, sometimes worse than it was the first time you relapsed. I learned this one the hard way. It's okay to go gradually; don't let the fast-paced demeanor of everyone else rush you into this faster than you should go. Your support system should be supportive of how you're going about reclaiming your life and of the good strides you have made, and not reminding you of the times you needed them more. Even when it is a tad frustrating for them and you (and at some point, it will be more for you than them), they should still be supportive of your plans after recovery and the things you are doing to get from where you are now to where you want to be. You can tell the difference between when someone is talking you out of doing something because they care about your welfare and when they are doing it to be negative but disguising it as looking out for you. Be alert of that, but if they are part of your support system, you should already be able to tell the difference.

My support system has to have some level of faith or confidence in me and my abilities. For me, this is one of the most important, if not the most important one, to have. If you don't have faith that I can get better and you're not confident that I will try hard enough or do what I need to do, how can you possibly encourage me from your heart? Exactly--you can't. And I don't need to be lied to, especially not at this time. I need you to be in this for me, with my best intentions at heart. You cannot genuinely encourage me to beat this if deep down, you don't believe that I can. I learned the hard way the other morning that someone close to me didn't have this and I didn't know it, which is what prompted me to write this blog. Many times when we are looking down the road to recovery, we don't have the faith and confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do this. The saying 'if you don't love yourself/have faith and confidence in yourself, you can't expect anyone else to either' is true in a way, but at the same time, realizing that others have it for you or see potential in you when you do not can motivate you to get better so that you can start using whatever it is that they seem to see in you. I didn't and still don't have alot of faith or confidence in myself or my abilities, but hearing that my mom or someone else in my support system does makes me feel 10x better and it gives me the courage to at least try a little. If they see this in me, how can I waste it by not trying to help myself? Along the way as I re-learn to do these things and I rack up more successes than failures, my faith and confidence starts to grow because I leaned on theirs to take that first step and now look at me. You see what I am saying? If those closest to me do not even believe that I can beat this, there is no way I can lean on them for support because of course they're not gonna tell me, "I don't think you can recover." They're going to tell me the 'right things' because they know its the right thing to do, but it won't be from their heart and that does not make it possible to believe them and it's not something I want to have while I'm trying to get better. It's like trying to build the foundation of a house with bricks but no cement. Nothing's binding the bricks together so it is always possible that the house will collapse. It makes no sense to keep building if the bottom is slipping, does it? Neither does trying to recover and leaning on words with no weight to them, which is exactly what you'll be doing if your support system has no faith or confidence in your ability to get better. Not only is that bad, but it also encourages you to backslide, especially if you don't have those two things yet. This person close to you doesn't have those two things? It encourages you to worry about yourself as a person and you end up backsliding because if this person doesn't believe in you and they're close to you, there must be no reason to try. That's not true and don't buy into that belief because I can guarantee, you will fall because of it. And unlike other falls where your support system can pick you up and you can keep going, if you fall into that belief you're not going to believe what anyone else says because it is so ingrained on your mind that someone you love does not agree with them, so you continue to wallow in that. The longer it takes for you to get up, the harder it will be to start going again. Don't allow yourself to backslide over that. Just make sure you surround yourself with people who feel good about you and the direction your life is supposed to take and then take that first step to getting better.

The last two points I can combine into one paragraph because I see this is getting a tad lengthy. Big shocker there, huh? My support system needs to help reacquaint me with the world and not blame me for the situations my condition may cause. It is important for the 'circle' to encourage your recovery, but they can also assist in getting you one step closer to it instead of letting you grow stagnant at the same level of recovery. Allow them to expose you gradually to normal situations instead of always shooting them down and assuming you can't do it. That's one thing that separates recovery from being stagnant---taking those small steps, which become big steps later. The support system should encourage you in the moments where you are stagnant, and then try to get you back out there, but slowly and only doing small things at one time, not big situations that you may fall in if its too early. Remember, I am speaking from a perspective where everything was lost and I had to gain everything back. It may not be this low of a level for you, or it may be lower than mine. Only you know that; just try to apply this to your own life. Secondly, I am aware that it was hard for my family to understand why for years I could not go to recitals and plays and award ceremonies and dinners out. It was hard for friends to comprehend why I couldn't go to bars with them, or to parties or weddings or just out to lunch for a quick bite. It was hard for boyfriends to realize why I couldn't go out on dates with them, or even go over to their house just so we weren't always at my house. I knew that and that always made it worse for me, especially when their frustration over that was taken out on me and I was blamed for why I couldn't go. My brothers and sister used to get angry at me for not being able to go, my mom would get frustrated that accommodations usually had to be made for me, friends who didn't understand thought I was bailing on them and stopped talking to me, boyfriends got mad and thought I was just being difficult. If people are in my support system, they have to understand that there are going to be times where I can't go or that sometimes accommodations are going to have to be made if they really want me there. And if they're really in it for me, they won't be frustrated and if they are they realize it's not my fault and don't take that anger out on me. In addition to all I am going through, I don't need blame that I can't control on my shoulders as well. And neither do you.

In case you can't tell by now, that last one is very important for me to have in my own support system and I think it should be equally important for yours. However, there is one important thing I need you to remember. Yes, your support system should be dedicated and willing to help you get through this. But, they have their own lives too and you have to let them live them. Say you're at home panicking and someone you would usually call is out at a party but told you that you can call them anytime. It's okay to call them; hey, they put the offer out there. Another way you can tell who is in this for you is in situations like this, and I'll explain that briefly so I can get back to my initial point.
((If they tell you to call them anytime you need anything, do just that. Sometimes the worry of inconveniencing them stops you from calling and you end up panicking alone, but if they offered, then do it. Toss that worry out the window and call. Whether it be the middle of the night, middle of the day, whenever. See how they handle it. If they handle it favorably and genuinely seem to be okay with the fact that you called and try to help you through it without rushing you along, you've found a winner. If they seem bothered, don't listen and turn the conversation on themselves or try to rush you off the phone, then its obvious they said the words but had no meaning behind them.))
Anyway, back to my original point. Yes, its okay to call them because they did offer. But don't hog the conversation--I know that when it gets really bad its hard to talk about anything but the anxiety and what it is doing to you, trust me I've been there--but you run the line of appearing selfish. Remember, they're in it for you and if they're really there, this can take its toll on them as well. Remember and acknowledge that they have lives too. Let them have them. It can be tempting to call someone every time you have an attack, but learning coping tips and remembering what I just said can help you learn how to handle these on your own. Use your support system, but don't take them for granted. This is not an invitation to be selfish and make their lives about you as well. When I started worrying that I was doing that, I found other ways to still be a friend to them, both to show my gratitude for their support and to reconnect myself with the outside world as I was still homebound at the time. I invited them over, I asked them about their problems and tried to help--I think I truly learned to listen when I was going through my worst parts of the anxiety. It's hard when they are there for you all the time to not spill everything about the anxiety every time you speak, but you don't have to give into it all the time. Keep a journal for the rest of that, because sometimes, that friend may need you instead. If you can't do a lot, like with me I couldn't leave with my friends, at one time I couldn't even have them at my house to visit, so you can't really socialize with them, just try your hardest to be there for them as much as you can. It's hard to leave the bubble that anxiety creates, but this is another thing to learn in recovery. But my point is, don't abuse your support system. Remember that they have lives and problems as well.

So just to review, the things I require or ask for in a support circle are:

*Encouragement

*Acceptance and lack of judgment

*Support

*Faith or confidence in me

*Helping me to reacquaint myself with the rest of the world

*Not blaming me for my condition

At the same time, there are things that I need to do for my support circle to show them my gratitude:

*Listening to their problems if they need it

*Resisting the urge to be selfish

*Letting them know how much their support means to me

*Being appreciative

*Supporting and encouraging what they want to do in their own lives

*Showing them that their support is not in vain--showing them my efforts to improve

*Not abusing their position in my life

*Not taking my frustrations out on them

*Saying thank you---trust me, it goes a long way!

Of course, as with everything else I have said in this post, this is just my personal perspective, which is why this is your homework. Come up with a list of things you feel you will need from your support circle in order to help you get better. At the same time, come up with another list of things you need to do for your circle. They may need you as much as you need them; don't take them or what they're doing for you for granted.

Surrounded by Death

Lately it seems as though my entire life is starting to revolve around death in some form. I am hearing about it more and more in the news, someone who is like family to me died last Saturday, a member of our church lost his teenage son last night, my own pastor's son accidentally killed himself a couple of years ago and they're still dealing with that, it's all over tv shows and movies, my fear of that keeps it in my head quite often, one of my favorite shows deals with people who died and haven't crossed over, celebrities are dying all around us, it's everywhere. When I hear that someone has died, the first thing I do is panic a little. How'd they die? Are they at peace? How is their family? When is it ok to move on? I don't mean that last question to be insensitive, but I don't know how to grieve. I know how to take the pain with me and keep going, and not dwell on the actual event. I guess distracting myself and only letting it emerge briefly is how I grieve. I dunno. All I know is when I hear that someone has passed away, I want to know when I can move on with my life without anyone feeling that I'm being a jerk. I just don't know how to dwell on the pain without sinking in it, so I try not to do it. Is that wrong?

In a way it scares me, always has, but scares me even more now because it makes me worry about the future. Is there even a point in planning for the future if more people around me are going to die? Almost every time the phone rings or I get some kind of text, I expect bad news. When I hear that someone has died, one of the first things I do is try to find someone who's not connected to it, someone who isn't grieving. I guess in a way it keeps me out of that bubble and farther away from sinking into some kind of depression or anxiety that I can't get out of. I hope that's not insensitive, but grief scares me senseless. It's suffocating. It feels like a bottomless pit and it's a glaring sign that things have changed and someone is no longer with us. Then the anxiety kicks in and I find myself dreading everything for fear of dying or someone around me dying. One of my biggest fears is losing my mom or one of my close relatives and/or friends. I worry that I won't know how to function without them around and now that death seems to be everywhere, I feel like I have to accept the fact that I'm going to lose them at some point in the near future. Maybe it's a rational fear, maybe it isn't. I've been slipping with the anxiety lately and with all these things that keep happening, in addition to everything else that's going on--most of which isn't good--I'm becoming more and more afraid. I'll say this though, I'm tired of being surrounded by death. I'm tired of hearing that yet another family is hurting and nothing can help them. I wish nobody died, as immature of a wish as that is to make. I wish we could change that and the person didn't have to die or instead of everyone hurting and being angry for years, we could be happy and celebrate the life they lived and not have any pain on our hearts. But hearing about all of these deaths in a weird way helps me appreciate new life. I was afraid of being knocked up last month, but this has shown me life is short. I want to celebrate new life. I'm not really in a position to get knocked up (which, considering current circumstances, is probably a good thing in a REALLY awful-looking yet effective disguise) but if I found out I was, I wouldn't be angry anymore. It's time to have a good time and celebrate something good. No more pain. No more hurt. No more anxiety. No more grief, or black, or funerals, or viewings, or wakes or flowers or crying. Just happiness and life and good times and laughter and sunshine. I know, not realistic. But a girl can dream, right?

Confidantes and Confusion

Are any of you a confidante for someone else? Do you serve as a mentor of sorts for a younger person, helping them through their struggles and encouraging them to go after their dreams? Are you a role model, someone who others can look up to and get motivation from to stay on the right path? I'd like to be something like that for younger people, I just don't know how. I mean, I remember being 15 and 16 but I didn't need a mentor--God blessed me with logic and I didn't abandon it often for a feeling that I already knew wouldn't last past my high school years. That kept me out of alot of trouble during those four years, because I definitely had a wild streak. Still do. But logic kept me out of trouble then, anxiety keeps me out of trouble now. So I guess God's always looked out for me, even when I certainly didn't deserve it. But because of that, I was able to emerge alot more responsible and able to keep my eyes on whatever prize I wanted. There are alot of my classmates that I run into at the store, and they're still about the partying and drinking and working at some kind of job that was bound to go nowhere and they know it. And hey, maybe that works for them, I dunno. But there's no career aspirations, no motivation, no goals. It's just about getting from Monday to Friday and partying the weekend and paycheck away. I guess I'm uptight, but I just don't see the fun in that. I don't mind partying the weekend away if that's what strikes my fancy, but I wouldn't call it the highlight of my week. I have other things to do. But I have goals and aspirations and dreams, and I'd like to think my head's screwed on straight.....most of the time. I think I have good things to say and I don't think I'd guide a teen in the wrong direction. I may not be as daring or risky as alot of kids are these days at that age and they probably find me stupid or boring, but I know that being stupid and boring at the right times gets you success and happiness in the end.

But like I said before, I guess teens can't find me relatable. I wouldn't mind being a confidante for someone who needs it or some kind of mentor for someone who needs a better example in their lives. Unfortunately, all the teens I know either already have one, don't need one, don't want one or for some reason just don't want me to help them. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, like maybe I'm giving off a bad vibe to them or something but my point is that it stinks. Like take alot of the younger girls at my church, for example. I do understand why they don't go to the older women for help; many of them will end up just preaching and not really guiding. I don't go to many of them for the same reason. Yes, I want to hear about how I can be a better Christian and how to get to be who God intended for me to be, but I also want someone to take me under their wing and just be there for me as a friend. Someone who is older and won't try to compete with me, won't talk behind my back, understands where I'm coming from and who can help me. So I understand why the other women in church aren't consulted as much, and I know they can't help it; they're set in their ways and that's the only way they know how to give advice. I'm not judging them, I'm just saying it is hard to get them on the same level with you so that you can hear something you can actually use instead of feeling like you have to defend yourself and your actions later. If I wanted all that, I'd talk to my dad. lol So trust, I get it.

There aren't many younger women in the church around my age, and I have the 'privilege' of falling into a rare category at the church: female, no children, not married, little life experience and for the most part, single as a jaybird. That alone puts me into another category, this one not so rare:: LOSER. lol But in any case, there aren't many women around my age at my church and many of them are in one or more of the categories I just said. Because I am not and I'm new to God and trying to get my life together in that manner (as are many of them) I thought I would be able to help them because I don't have any of those things holding me down and I'm by myself, as are many of them. But for some reason, I guess because I come across as a goody two shoes or boring, the younger girls feel they can't relate. It stinks. I just see the younger girls at church and I can see that they might need someone in their corner, because they're all going through some things. I would love to be the person they go to when they need help understanding something or the person who can get through to them and help them make things right, or just someone who can help guide them. It sounds like it would be a good feeling, to say that for once I helped or to hear that I was of help. I dunno if that's an ego or credit thing or actually being able to help. But who knows, maybe God feels I'm not ready to be that kind of influence just yet. And hey, maybe I'm not. I want to have something on my side, something good in my corner, so that I can at least show that being the way I am does have its benefits. I've come a long way in my struggle and I've still got a long way to go, and being their age isn't so foreign that I'm out of touch with younger kids these days. I remember being 16 and 17 and not having a care, but I also remember being 21 and 22 and seeing how quickly your life can change. Anxiety for the most part has ruined my life but at the same time it has saved me from alot of potentially bad decisions and bad situations. I'm not gonna run around telling these girls to develop anxiety or anything LOL, but I can stress the importance of using logic and sound mind in decisions and learning not to always live in the moment, because learning that also keeps you from bad decisions. Alot of people always end up making the decisions they regret later because they're attached to the feeling it brings, but they never think about what happens after that feeling goes away. Anxiety taught me to think about what happens after that feeling goes away and if I feel regret, or shame or embarrassment, I know what I want is an 'of the moment' thing and I rethink my decision to do it. Alot of girls, alot of people in general, would stand to benefit from thinking that way. I've just always wanted to be something good for someone else, I hope that God gives me the tools to be able to do that someday.

As for the confusion, me and dude are still having problems, but only from my point of view. From the way he sees things, we're just peachy. I don't know how to let him know I'm really not happy and I can see from the shift in my feelings this past week that time is definitely of the essence. We had a good conversation on the phone last night and I found out that I suppose according to him, getting married is on the cards. If this had been said a few weeks ago, I would have been so excited because I wanted nothing more than that. But now, I'm still excited but I'm also a little confused. Because I've been unhappy for so long and emotionally I've pulled away so much, getting married and being unhappy sounds about as fun as a root canal. I love him, but due to my feelings starting to change, I know I can and will leave if I have to. The feelings I have now don't have to be permanent, they can always change to how I felt before and that thought gives me peace, but it's unsettling to see that they may be changing because God is about to bring someone new into my life who can give me what I really want since it's becoming apparent that dude is too caught up in fighting his own troubles to help me through any of mine. Just because two people love each other and want to get married doesn't mean that it will happen. A friend of mine had two dreams, one where me and dude got married and another where I married someone else. Not long after the unhappiness kicked in, I had the same two dreams. Then recently, an old friend from childhood has been popping in and out of the picture, telling me how I'm special and he wants to talk to me. I feel like I mean something to him, like I really am special. I don't have any romantic feelings for him---we knew each other when we were in diapers, I've seen him and his brother naked lol...ew--never have, probably never will, but all the things he's telling me are things I need to be hearing from dude. But he chooses to act like if we broke up it wouldn't have any effect on him at all, that he wouldn't fight for us, that there's nothing particularly significant or different about me or our relationship. He doesn't seem in any hurry to hear what's on my mind or what's going on in my life. He doesn't act like he cares very much at all and I've had a rough couple of months. I've needed him and he just hasn't been there so emotionally, I can feel myself starting to slip away from the relationship. But then yesterday we're on the phone and he mentions us getting married. Thought he was kidding but he said he wasn't. It's a complete 180 from the actions I have been seeing and trying not to react off of. I hear things like that and I have to remind myself that I can be fooled by actions, but then again, you can be fooled by words as well. There are times where he'll be acting so non-chalant and then be serious and say something like that, and I have to take a step back. Not out of fear, but so that I can remember that I wasn't always this unhappy, and that these things and feelings that I have can change. My question now is, do I even want them to change? Or am I excited about the prospect of marrying him for the sake of being married and not for the person I am taking these vows with?

Late Night Problems

Needless to say, I'm having problems at night again. Not problems in the way that I used to in which I was afraid of the nighttime because it made me panic, but just jittery and more on edge at night. Now that I only have one class to worry about (and thank God for it lol) and I'm actually staying on task, I find myself with more time on my hands during these hours. Since I'm back to staying up all night, it's hard to find things to do to keep me occupied and not worrying or panicking over something. It's been rough, especially since the time change. It's funny how when I didn't really have the time to do anything but schoolwork it was easy for me to get distracted and now that I actually have the time to spare, I can't think of or find anything to do. So of course, this creates problems. My support system is once again gone---my entire system from last year has shifted and my new one is always busy-for example, dude (who should be part of it) is probably either out or asleep (in any case, he's not around), my mom is sick and she's asleep anyway, my uncle went to sleep hours ago, the other is asleep and the others are at a bachelorette party--one that I myself should be at but had to duck out because my mom wasn't feeling well. I feel bad for being angry that again, something that I wanted to do couldn't be done. But it is what it is and I am angry. I know it's not my mom's fault and I'm not angry at her, I'm just mad at the situation in general because it stinks. The long of the short of it is, I'm by myself again.

Late night tv sucks. That makes it harder, because there's nothing to watch either. I have no idea how to get through the night without giving into the urge to panic, simply because there's nothing else to do. Then to add onto the stress, the kids have the entire next week out of school. No offense to them, but I could really use the time away from them. Since my sleeping is off, I'm asleep during their school hours and I wake up not long before or after they come home. I have the nights to myself but that's just it--they're to just me and there's not really anything to do so how can you enjoy it? So because of how my sleeping is at the moment, it's like I'm always with them and they are a huge source of my stress. I'd love to get away from them for just a little while. I don't say that to be mean, but its the truth. I'd love to just get away from....everything. Everyone. No problems, no budgets, no sickness, no fighting, no feeling neglected, no relationship drama, no negativity. Boy does that sound nice. Too bad I just described eternal life and not a life I can actually have yet. lol

As Promised.....

Hello again! As promised, I am back with those couple of links I was talking to you about earlier. I have not gotten the chance to check these links out for myself, but that is another reason why I am going to post them anyway, so that I can hear from you guys what these sites are all about. By the end of the year, I hope to have a list of links that actually work, so that we can start weeding out the links that are traps or do not work and get the word out to others who are seeking recovery from anxiety. Here's the first one.

http://www.bringchange2mind.org/-- This link I actually saw on tv; if you haven't seen it yet, it features the actress Glenn Close and her sister, who suffers from bipolar disorder. I heard about the two of them teaming up to bring more awareness to mental disorders awhile ago, but I didn't realize they were teaming up for this particular website. I just went to it a couple of minutes ago, and they even have a crisis number you can call. We all know finding one of those is rare for anxiety these days unless you're contemplating suicide (which I hope and pray none of you are doing!) They've got pages on Facebook and YouTube, so you can friend them and view their commercials so you can see what they're about.

http://www.anxietytalknow.com/-- From the looks of it, this appears to be another anxiety social community, where you're encouraged to tell your story and get some resources for your particular mental disorder, whether it be anxiety disorder, OCD, agoraphobia, or something similar. They've got forums, a store with video and audiotapes, and apparently a tv show that's free to members, which gives me the impression that this specific website isn't entirely free. Who knows though. I think you should still give it a go and let me know if there are any prices involved---remember, we're trying to keep things free around these parts. :)

http://www.socialphobia.org/current.html-- This site is pretty self-explanatory; it focuses on social phobias and related disorders and while I didn't give you the link to the homepage, I gave you the link to a page where there are more resources for you to check out about anxiety and the like. Let me know how many of those links pan out.

http://www.npadnews.com/anxiety-symptoms.asp-- This link would probably be better for those who are at the beginning steps of their process and are finding a way to tell family about the disorder. As I have said in past blogs about the first steps of anxiety recovery which are much like any other disorder or addiction, family and friends need to be alerted to what you're going through, what it causes and what is happening in your body. It is important for you to understand those three things not only for yourself, but so that you will be as informed as possible when you let your loved ones know as well. Since like I said in the past blog, anxiety is a household name but still has its fair share of skeptics--bringing knowledge like what's presented on this page will show them the real facts. This disorder does manifest itself physically as well as mentally and what I like about this page as well is that it talks about what the body is going through with some of these symptoms. Remember the post I did sometime either earlier this year or late last year where I told you to find a page that goes into detail about the symptoms and what it does to the body during an attack and pass those papers out to family when you tell them? This page would be perfect for that. Having the facts right there makes it harder to dispell them, and since it explains exactly what the body is going through for some of the symptoms will allow those that you tell to take a small walk in your shoes and gain a little understanding. And even for those who know about anxiety and have told friends and family, sometimes we still do not know all the symptoms in case suddenly a new one pops up during an attack and we're thrown for a loop, or we want to understand what's going on during one or what's going on during certain symptoms of the attack. Again, the page is perfect.


Well, as I said earlier I didn't have alot of links this time around but I'll be doing some nosing and snooping around for the next few days and see if I can find anything. Let me know how those links turned out, let me know of any links you found on your own, and we'll get started on that list. Have a great Monday everyone! And don't forget to breathe. At first I thought that technique would never work on me, but then I realized it wasn't because the technique was ineffective, it was because I wasn't allowing it to work. When you actually make yourself close your eyes and focus on taking that deep breath in and letting it back out, you do feel calmer and you can sometimes feel the slowing of your heart by the time you're done. Take a deep breath and count to five if you're extra anxious or stressed. It may not take the entire attack away, but it does a good job of taking an attack from a 7 to a 5, which gives you time to find something that will distract you long enough to take the attack away. Breathe, folks. It'll do ya a world of good. And keep you alive, which is also good. :D lol Happy Monday!

My Apologies.

Hey guys! I've got some great links I'd like you all to check out and I'll post them later on tonight after I finish this post and some homework. I saw them today and it reminded me that I was beginning to neglect the true reason I even started this blog because I was wrapped up in my own issues. Yes, those issues brought me anxiety and its my anxiety-related issues so I need to work through them like any other ones I have so I still posted the entries, but it's been a couple of months since I took the focus off a personal perspective and showed you guys something about actual anxiety. It's been awhile since I've even talked about anything else besides dude (coincidentally, the thing that at one time made me happiest is currently the biggest cause of my anxiety. Go figure, huh? ::sigh:: I won't say anything else about that in this post, I promise.). And for that you've got my sincerest apologies. I did not realize until I saw some links this morning and got excited about posting them to you all that I hadn't done that in awhile, which made me feel bad. Here I am ranting and raving about wanting to be some advocate for anxiety, this 'anonymous voice of the nervous' lol and I'm slacking on my little part already. From the bottom of my heart guys, I'm sorry. I've got alot going on and I know that's no excuse and I don't want you to think I'm using it as one. I just got wrapped up in my own issues and how I was going to work through my anxiety to get through the problems since it was the anxiety causing them and that's all fine and dandy. Problem is, I forgot how to be an anxiety blogger as well as an anxiety sufferer. At some point, I crossed the line to being a woe-is-me, in the dark sufferer again because of this change in my life and I vowed I wouldn't go back there. It's hard to do though, cuz I'll be honest: It's a thin line. :) But that doesn't matter. I promised I wasn't going to be quiet about this disorder or what it can do to us and I'm not going to go back on that simply because there's something going on with me. We all need a voice and I'm sorry I haven't been doing my job with that lately. I'm going to try harder though from here on out though, I promise. I am going to do my best to stay on top of whatever comes out about anxiety or related mental health issues so I can keep you guys informed, keep including the links, keep making the blog better and not letting it grow stagnant (I realized I was doing that too--again, I'm sorry), and make sure to keep you guys informed of whatever changes I am making in my own life to beat this. That is my promise. Come hell or high water, I'm gonna keep it. Anxiety is becoming such a household name and I've never been more thankful. Despite that though, there are still tons who have heard of it and have no clue what it is and don't think to educate themselves. There are even more people who call it a 'cop out disorder,' meaning they don't think it has any grounds or merit to be considered a legit disorder for various reasons, some of which I'm sure you've heard by now. Point is, anxiety still needs a voice. We still need help, and resources, and support. I promised to do that and I haven't been owning up to it. I can't even begin to be angry that I have no help with my anxiety issues when I promised to be of some help to those who feel like I do but I haven't pulled through with my end of the bargain. I know it can't work like that and I need to start putting out more if I expect to be able to pull in more. So for my negligence of this blog and its original intentions, I really am sorry. I'll be back later tonight with those links; maybe I can find some more before then.  :)

Changing Expectations

I posted a status on Facebook earlier stating that I was changing my expectations. I originally only meant that for one relationship in my life, but then I realized it could apply for almost all of the relationships and friendships in my life at the moment. I first decided to change my expectations to be spiteful; I was on the verge of just shutting down completely and saying eff it all, it's time to stop running on emotion and cut it out of my life. It would save me a world of stress. But then I started thinking and I asked myself, Do I want to change this honestly or am I doing it to spite someone else? When I realized my answer was more for the latter than for the former, I saw that not only was it the wrong thing to do, I was giving them power over me and that wasn't right either. By allowing someone to disappoint me and then acting on emotion afterwards, I'm giving them power over my decisions. It's the same thing here--if I decide to change who God made me to be just to be spiteful or hurt someone else, I am letting that other person retain whatever control they had over my life and that's not fair either. When I was first told to change my expectations, I figured, "Why should I? Why should I change what I want out of someone simply because they don't want to do right??" Then I was laying down earlier, expecting something from someone and when I didn't get it I was pissed.....nah, hurt fits better. I was hurt because this person didn't live up to what I expected. And it's fine to be mad. But then I started thinking of ways to get back at this person and hurt their feelings like they've been hurting mine. Not a cool thing to do. It's not like me to purposely be hurtful. It's like me to dream about being mean instead of being nice all the time so that people will see how their behavior can hurt, but let's be real here. I have cried because my neighbor's dog was out in the snow and had to dig himself a little hole under a table she had in the yard. I couldn't stand that dog, and I cried like a baby. Being hurtful and mean just isn't me. Never has been. I thank God for that. Another thing is I already know that once I calm down, not only will I regret the actions I have set forth, but I won't be able to control the reactions that my initial actions produce. Not to mention the undeniable fact that I have hurt someone's feelings. I don't like doing that either. So instead of making God angry (and others in the process), I am finally going to try changing my expectations. I decided not to have any expectations anymore. Like I said, I was angry when I was first told to change my expectations because I felt it let the other person off the hook for not doing something right. But now I am seeing that this benefits me more than them. If I don't expect anything from them, I can't get mad if they don't give it to me. That's going to be so hard to do but I realized if I don't do it, I'm always going to be angry, or stressed, or sad about something I'm not getting, which wastes time and takes away from the time I have to appreciate what is going right in my life. Not fair to me. And if I can't be fair and right with myself, I can't possibly expect that from others. Which further proves my point that it's better just to not have any at all. Too bad this is going to be an extremely hard thing to do, at least for me. But you've got my word, I will try.

Working by Fear

I already know I work by fear. Duh. What I did not realize, at least not entirely, is that dude works by fear too. It's sad, really....he says he's concerned about my safety and whatever else because of how I function by fear but does not realize he does the same thing in fear of being vulnerable or being hurt yet does not allow me to be concerned about it. And he's got such a wall up there that I can't seem to get past it. We'll be talking about something, and I'll be glad he's actually opening up since it's rare that he does that, it's rare when he even calls, and then it gets to a certain comfort level for him and he shuts down. He doesn't realize I don't get frustrated, even when we don't agree, I'm just grateful he's letting me in that much and I'm able to understand him more. But our relationship can't keep going like this. He's avoiding talking about certain things, if we're getting too deep into conversations, he'll just shut down and stop talking, which means I don't get what I want to say off my chest. And he's such an alpha male that I can't do anything but be quiet about it. I didn't realize you could walk by fear for two different reasons in two different capacities. Problem is, he's allowing his fear to take him from me when he's the one that pursued me in the first place.

I'm no longer worried about my fears because I know how I feel and my fears don't affect that. His fears shut down his emotions so they will affect how he feels and he will probably find a reason to duck out. I don't know how to deal with a lack of emotions very well and he doesn't work by anything but the lack of emotions. I think somewhere he knows he either has to bend and let me in or take his ball and go home. Because he's more used to doing things the way he's doing them now, he'll probably take the ball and go home. We are afraid of the same things, handled them totally differently but we're still moving away, not towards each other. Before he left, we were in a committed relationship, with each other, and we could freely admit that we loved each other. Since he's been gone, he's told me he loved me maybe twice but hasn't actually said it, and he described what we had as "talking" and that we "had chemistry." If you ask me, that's a huge understatement and I think he knows it is too, which is why he avoids giving us any kind of labels. But he's afraid of long-distance relationships so maybe he figures that if he makes this less of a serious relationship without actually breaking up with me (which deep down I don't think he wants to do, he's not a person to beat around the bush and stay in unfavorable situations for too long), it would be easier to cut ties and run.

I told my mom and my friends that he was moving away from me and it appears that I was right. But I'm not sure if it has to do with me personally or just him trying to protect himself. After our conversation I'm seeing it might be a bit of both, but not because he thinks I'm a bad person. Here's what I think it is: I deal with emotions and don't mind arguing, having tough conversations. He doesn't deal with emotions, doesn't like to argue and if he feels the conversation will end badly he stops talking before it goes too far. Because he won't be able to protect himself and he knows I will not let the issue die completely, it might be easier for him to eliminate the issue (me X_X)without changing how he functions or do what he's doing now, keep me at arm's length and at his disposal until either he gets tired of avoiding it or I get tired of him avoiding it and leave him alone. He always tells me he doesn't expect anything from anyone but if he's doing all this to protect himself, its obvious he still expects everyone to hurt him.

Which brings me to my point--I just talked about my fear of being hurt last month. We really aren't that different, he and I. I expect people to hurt me too, but I close myself off from all of it--I don't even let it get past a talking phase because that's where feelings come into play. I wasn't willing to risk, but that also meant I wasn't willing to find anyone different and get a reward for taking the risk, you know what I mean? He's closing himself off from emotions because he feels that not only do they get in the way and cause you to lie, but if he keeps himself uninvolved in that way, he gets to protect himself from getting hurt because his feelings aren't involved. So in a way, he isn't willing to risk either and I can guarantee, whether it be in this relationship or some other area of his life, it's gonna cost him unless he changes that mentality and learns to see that not everyone or everything is going to hurt him. I understand that perfectly after tonight. So do you see how we're not that different? What is different though is that God's allowing me to not feel all that I felt for him at first because I need to be patient with him and I know I couldn't have done that if I was still feeling everything so intensely. Instead of wanting to cut my losses and run, I want to understand more so that I can help, so that I can help him change his thinking about that, even if I'm not the one that gets to benefit from it. I'm seeing just how my fear can affect someone else. But the thing is, I can see this ending badly if he doesn't realize what's going on and learn that its harmful, both to himself and anyone he allows in his life.

.........

I just hit rock bottom. I think it's temporary but still. I finished that blog I was writing, and everything that's been going on in my life just started swirling around in my head. The anxiety, my family, our entire situation, my hopes and dreams, my doubts and fears, the fact that I am either going to lose my boyfriend or my friend, not knowing what to do, just everything--I was so tired at first and then I was so mad that this was my life. There was no control, no normalcy, no stability. And what kind of life is that? It just doesn't seem worth it. I was tired of living. I was just done. I remember thinking to myself that after the last time I tried to kill myself that I promised never to do it again. I even remembered the scars on my wrist. I could have cared less. I just remember not feeling needed, or loved, or protected or anything. I felt naked, and vulnerable and alone. And I couldn't deal with the feeling. So I made up my mind, got up and walked out to the kitchen but I looked in my brothers' room and I started walking a little slower, then I got to my sister's room at the end of the hallway and went a little slower, I saw my other brother's bedroom and my chest started feeling heavy, then I don't know why but I looked up at my grandma's picture (she really is my heart) and I just started to bawl. I sat down in the middle of the living room and just started to cry. I couldn't do it. After everything those kids have been through, could I really do this to them? After everything my mom has been through, could I do that to her? And what would my grandma say if she knew I was about to end my life because I was tired? She'd tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and fight like hell. Fight for what you want, fight for happiness if you have to, fight for your life. I didn't know if I could go through with what I was going to do with the knowledge that in a few hours, one of them will have to find me like that and have that image burned into their minds for the rest of their lives. I wouldn't even be around to say I'm sorry for it. It's incredibly selfish. They may get on my last nerve, but they have no clue that they saved me from doing something extremely stupid tonight. In a strange parallel, at the exact same time I was making the decision to do it, my friend (who has been going through some really intense things and is dealing with alot) was finding the key to her own healing from a friend of hers. And we were talking at the time. Ironic, isn't it? I'm just drained. I'm finishing this homework, going to bed, and hoping that I've left my heart open so God can administer to it and I can wake up with a new outlook and renewed....I dunno what, energy I guess.

Hmm....can't come up with a catchy title tonight.

I'm supposed to be doing homework...I have two assignments due tonight and this is the first week since the class started that I've been on track so I'd like to keep it that way, but it looks like I'm about to jack it up again. We're in week 4 and I haven't been on beat with either class since the 2nd assignment of week 1. lol I procrastinated and cried through the rest of week 1 (more on that later), the second week of class I was sick the whole week, the third week (last week) my mom was in the hospital but somehow on Thursday I finally pulled it out of the fire lol so on Monday I was able to start everything on time. So why am I knowingly jeopardizing that brief stability in my classes by writing on here when I should be doing my homework? I dunno...guess that's just the kinda girl I am. :D

God loves me anyway.

Anyway, I've been needing to write for awhile but as shown above, I haven't exactly had the time. And seeing as how I'm neglecting homework to write now, I obviously still don't have it. lol Alot has happened since the last posting, and it's a big factor into why I haven't written anything. Dude and I had a huge falling out, ironically it was the same day as my last post, as a matter of fact I wrote it probably an hour before it happened, if that. Not long after I wrote that and was basking in my newfound 'relationship security' LOL, we had a talk that quickly turned from hard to horrible in a matter of minutes. I spent the next few days in a haze that obviously didn't include anything school related, as I spent them in bed crying and away from the computer. Let's see...all that happened on a Tuesday afternoon, the 6th I believe it was, and by that Saturday morning I was in bed with a 104 fever. Heartbreak was the last thing on my mind because I was convinced I was dying. lol Spent Saturday and Sunday drifting in and out of consciousness, I was finally able to stay awake on Monday and the fever FINALLY! broke on Tuesday...night. lol I was still confined to the bed since I guess the fever took so much out of me, so I stayed there til sometime Thursday. Tried to get caught up in one class til Saturday, when my mom went in the hospital and they ended up admitting her. The only time I had to really do anything for school was at night after the kids had gone to sleep, to keep my mind off of panicking and dude. Some of those nights I sat up watching tv trying to relax, some I spent talking to who I nicknamed The 3 Wise Women (mom texted from the hospital lol), and others I finally buckled down and did my homework. I ended up doing more than I thought, since on Thursday I realized I was caught up and just had to post it. Mom got out Friday evening, and I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on lost participation points for class since they were threatening to toss me out of class. Whew. Then this week I've been having a really rough time, with dude and the panicking and that whole mess, and this weekend is our church's anniversary so I won't have the time then to make up for lost assignments. In short, it's been a rough month. I don't even care that Halloween is this Saturday, I just want the month to be over. Granted, this October wasn't half as hard as last October and I'm eternally grateful for that since the last one was hell but this one sucked nonetheless.

Hey I just realized I'm talking to three people right now and their names all start with a Jo. lol Just a random observation.

The situation with dude is kinda hard to explain since I don't even understand it all the time. lol Long of the short of it is, as I said before dude left back home two days after we had that falling out a few weeks ago. We didn't talk for a few days, I think I said something briefly to him the day he left and then again that Sunday but that was it. Communication hasn't been the same since then, so my mind wandered and I started thinking of all the bad things that could be happening--he's with another girl, he doesn't love me anymore, he's not going to come back, we aren't going to talk anymore--you name it, I thought it at some point. Well since he wasn't around for me to ask about it, I kept panicking about it and then the negativity from others kicked in. I have a good friend whose opinion I valued and trusted, and he's never been too high on me and dude. They used to be friends at one time, then they both went overseas and dude came back with a sour taste in his mouth about the friend, and the feeling was more than mutual. I don't know what happened between them, but in any case they are far from friendly now. I realized this but since I figured my friend's opinion would be free from bias, when he asked how things were going I told him the truth. He told me his opinion and while I did not agree at first, he brought some nagging suspicions to light that I'd tried to keep at the back of my mind. That added onto the ones I already had. Over the next week or so I noticed that every time I was done talking to my friend, I walked away feeling more doubtful and negative about my relationship with dude. I didn't like that. I mean, who does? But that was his opinion and I told him I wouldn't judge him for it, so I left it alone.

Well I've been having a rough time at it and I was feeling angry at dude for not talking to me more because I really could have used his support and I didn't have it so I felt a little neglected, like I didn't mean anything to him anymore. I hated how I felt like just another person when I spoke to him, and I especially hated the fact that soon after he left, I realized I was in love with him and he could have been off bonking another chick and I'd have been none the wiser about it. The suspicions combined with my fears just rattled around in my head and finally boiled over yesterday, when my friend laid out some bombshells for me. I texted dude and told him to call me, and I was pleasantly surprised when exactly 8 seconds after I sent the text, my phone rang. Yes, I counted. Not intentionally, but my point is that he called immediately. lol I brought up what I was told and dude shot them down, which didn't bring me the comfort I thought it would but not because I didn't believe him, but because I realized I was so deep into this that it didn't matter who I believed at this point, it would still be a no win situation for me. I put myself all the way on the line with both of these people and they hold my trust firmly in their grasp. They have the control because they both know I don't know everything. Which leaves them in an unbelievable position of control over what I know, since they can pretty much tell me anything and I can't argue with it since I don't know. And since they are telling me two different stories, it is obvious that someone is lying to me, which is hard for me to accept. Either my friend, who I trust and respect, could be lying to me for reasons that I am not aware of, or my boyfriend, who I love and trust more than beans, is lying to me so that he can have his cake and eat it too. Both of them are very important to me so it's really hard for me to deal with the fact that one of them is lying to me, because either situation would break my heart, but that's the reality of it. You can't have two very different accounts of the same situation and still believe that both people are telling the truth. You can have two points of view, but not two entirely different stories. As much as I would like for it to, it just doesn't work like that. But I believe that everything done in the dark has to come to the light, so the truth will reveal itself soon enough. Sadly, that's what I'm afraid of. Yes, right now I know someone is lying and no I don't know who it is, but that's just it. I don't know. So right now I'm in the dark. I can't explain why that's better than knowing who it is. Once its out there, I can't take it back or speculate because then I'll know without a doubt. Which means that my relationship with one of them will be irreversibly changed. Like I said, it's a no-win for me. Either it's going to come out that my boyfriend is a cheating, manipulative liar and I will have to let him go, or my friend is a lying, conniving, two-faced jerk and our friendship is over because he tried to sabotage my relationship. It's a hard pill to swallow. I don't feel like writing anymore.

You know what I've realized?

I've realized that even though I am happy with dude most of the time, I expect him, probably sooner rather than later, to hurt me. I expect that when he's late coming over that it's because he's with another girl. I expect that when he leaves not long after getting here because he's tired that it's really because he was with someone else and just came to see me to keep up appearances, at least on my behalf. We just started dating so I know it's grasping at straws, for him to already be seeing someone else because it would be like he intentionally decided to have more than one gf which I don't see him doing, but it's still a thought. Now that it's out there in the open though, it seems more ridiculous than I originally figured it was. I'm trying to learn how to suffer in silence so that I don't have to bother him with all my stupid fears and assumptions because they're not fair to him for me to have them. But tonight, I realized the truth of the matter is that I don't expect people to have good intentions where I'm concerned. It's not about him or my trust level in him at all. Simply put, I don't expect people to treat me right. I don't expect them to be honest with me. I don't expect them to be happy with me. I expect them to do something to hurt me and not care. I expect them to lie and cheat. And sooner or later, I expect them to leave me for greener pastures and not look back. I'm not trying to play the victim role here but my problem in life, well one of my problems, is that I was too naive before, too trusting, too eager and too quick to make excuses if I saw a behavior that wasn't right. So when the truth was revealed to me, I shut down a little. And each time it happened, I shut down a little more. Eventually, I had shut down completely. It was a lonely little box. But I knew that for as long as I decided to be in that box, nobody could touch me, nobody could hurt my feelings or make me vulnerable or break my heart. So despite the fact that I was very alone inside this box, I was also safe and that's what was more important to me. I don't want anyone thinking that I was under the impression that 'it's a big bad world and everyone's out to get me,' but I will say that those with bad intentions seemed to find their way down my path more than those that had good intentions. The problem with all that was, yes I was protecting myself from any hurt, but I was also inadvertently causing myself more of it when I decided to come out of the box. So I may have protected myself from short-term problems but I didn't realize that it would simply prolong them until whenever I came out. I closed the lid and didn't think I was going to come out again so it really wasn't an issue for quite awhile. But the longer I stayed in there, alone, the more things I lost the ability to do--believe in others, believe in myself, trust in others, trust in myself, be positive about others' intentions and act on those beliefs. I shut myself down temporarily but it seems those parts are still closed off to everyone else.

When I started this blog, it was originally just to talk about my problems with anxiety. I didn't realize that over the next year and a half, it would become more for me than just an outlet for my disorder. I also didn't realize just how many things were tied into it. I knew that anxiety affected everything, but I dunno...I didn't think that trying to enter a new relationship would cause so much of it to resurface. The irony of the whole thing is that the things I'm having problems with aren't connected directly to my anxiety; they're more like byproducts. The bf accepts my anxiety and its many, many issues with no problem. Which I love him for. He's the first one to take a chance like that on me and I'll never be able to repay that. With him, it's not the normal "do I have to worry about hiding an attack from him" or "will he still like me once I tell him about my anxiety" fears that I anticipated having when I first realized I wanted to be with him. Here, its moreso how the anxiety and the situations I've been put in because of it have affected my views and my outlook on people. Because everyone turned their backs on me last April when I got sick, I don't expect others to stick around and genuinely help me. Because I can barely say no without feeling guilty, I expect people to take advantage of me and use my desire to help to their own benefit. Because I am constantly reminded of my many faults and all the ways I am not good, I don't expect someone to disagree with that and not do me wrong. Everyone else has and it just dawned on me that I have come to expect it. Let me explain how warped I am. Because past boyfriends have basically told me I suck and wasn't enough for them so they found it elsewhere, I need constant reassurance. Not reassurance of my greatness lol, because I'm not great. I don't find myself to be much of a treat past the honeymoon phase. Once the guy knows me, I expect him to leave. But I don't need reassurance that I'm great. I need reassurance that I'm able to make you happy or that I'm enough for you and that you're okay. If I don't get that, my mind runs away with me and I start nitpicking at myself and all the things I 'could' but am not doing. And because of that, I will end up encouraging you to leave so that you can find better. I was going to say don't ask me why I do that, but I know exactly why I do it so there's no reason for me to say it. I do it because I want the other person to be happy. And if that means I have to give them up in order for that to happen, then I will. I don't want them to settle or feel like they're settling because in my eyes, they're settling for less when they deserve more. So I will encourage them to leave and find it. I fully believe that there is someone for everyone out there, but I don't believe that I am that person for anyone. And that's the truth. If anyone can get me fully out of my shell, fully functional and still able to love, then they deserve a medal. lol But that's a peek into how twisted this dome is.

So many of my fears and insecurities are tangled up in that mess somewhere, so it is going to be a bigger struggle than I thought to get rid of them. I told the bf that he was going to need patience with me and I am just now realizing how much he's going to need. With him leaving in 2 days to go back home, we will have to try a lot harder to make this work. But I'm terrified that he's going to get down there and realize that he's settling, and then I'm gonna get a Dear Jane on Facebook and that'll be the end of it. I don't want that to happen. I want this to work so badly but I'm scared that this long-distance thing is going to be the death of our relationship. Especially since I expect him to do something wrong when he gets there. Not because I don't trust him or because I think he's a bad person, but I expect him to follow 'guy protocol' and do the wrong things and lie to me about it. So I guess this is his chance to prove me wrong, and this is my chance to not act like an ass and lose the guy. Someone told me to change my expectations of people and then they can't hurt me anymore, but dude hasn't hurt me at all. There's no expectation to change. The one that I have is not one that he caused; it's one that was there long before he was. I don't know how to change that. So I'll be quiet about my fears until I see proof that I should be worried. When I said in an earlier blog that I needed alot of work, I had no clue how true that statement would be. Maybe we're being separated so that God can work on us separately, that's what a friend told me once, and now that I'm seeing just how much of it I need, I'm inclined to believe it. I don't think we'll always have a long-distance relationship, I think it's just an issue of how long it'll be one. But I have a great guy and I'm not trying to give that up, so if I have to put up with some changes that I don't like for a little while, I'll do it. But I need help on changing these expectations or else they're going to do more harm than good, especially in what looks like the first real relationship I've had. Ugh.