Separation Anxiety

I've got it bad. Remember a couple of months ago when I posted about adjustments and how it was stressful because of the anxiety? Okay, well the worst of the adjustment period I believe is over and everything's getting to a normal pace. At least it was, until the bf got a job. I know many of you are probably thinking, What's the problem? At least he's trying to get one. Right? I fully understand that, and I agree because I need help taking care of the house. My thing is, I had no idea it would give me separation anxiety to this extent.

A couple of weeks ago, hubz had an interview at Dish Network and got the job. Wasn't too surprised, he's a good worker and has telemarketing experience anyhow. That was fine and dandy. We were just coming off of a period of fighting all the time or at least having one good blowout a week. I'm very happy to report that even that has calmed to a small flipout or two. lol Anywho, I remember telling him while he was still looking for a job that it would be good when he got one because we'd be able to have space. He responded that he didn't need any; he loved being around me. I was fine with that, to an extent. The pressure of adjusting to so much combined with thinking about both his feelings and my own was getting to me, so I can freely admit that it was really me who needed the space. I felt bad when he said that, because to a level I agreed with him, but I was beginning to tire of the arguing and what I felt to be my needs not being listened to or abided by. So I felt the space would be a good thing for us, besides that I didn't want him to feel cooped up and not make any friends--this is more than a visit and I didn't want him to be here 2 years later and still not have anyone around him. That sounds like a selfish thing for me to want, although if I'm being honest, I don't really want to share him all the time either. Yes, that is selfish as well. lol I don't know lol, I was going through a confusing time and the mix of being tired of arguing and angry about having to adjust everything in my space was making me feel confined. I digress. So I tell him the job could be a good thing other than for financial reasons, and not long after he gets an interview. It dawned on me as my mom and I were driving home that if hubz were to get this job, he wouldn't be around all the time anymore. Even in my confined slump, I got used to having him around when I wanted or needed him. I had gotten used to coming in the room and him being there, or hearing him talking or laughing from across the house. Even though I'm the one that suggested the break, for some reason I hadn't considered what that would entail. smh As it dawned on me, it made me feel a little anxious.

I had to put things in perspective so I could figure out why I was feeling this way. Yes, I was tired of feeling as though my space was being invaded and I had no say. Yes, I was tired of all the arguing over things that really hold no significant importance. Yes, I was tired of not being able to do what I wanted in my own room. However, I also was not expecting to be sad when I thought about being able to do what I wanted in my own room at the cost of him not being in it. But I was. Since he got here, we've been attached at the hip. The only time we're away from each other is when one of us goes to the store and the other stays home. The store is only 2 minutes away in the car, if this shows any evidence to how "far" we get away from each other. And even that is no longer than 2 hours. So that goes to show how much time we've had together in the past 2 months he's been here. This was my gaming buddy, my nap partner, my partner in crime, my verbal sparring opponent, my friend, lover, all of that......and now I am being told that the time we have together after waiting for 10 months for a hug will be cut in half at best. x_x

Maybe I'm being dramatic, after all it is just a job. He'll be home in four hours. lol But still, the thought of being away from him gives me anxiety. I didn't realize it fully until we got home and the room was empty and quiet. I got to play the games on the PS3 in silence. I can lay out on my bed all I want for as long as I want without getting in anyone's way. I can watch tv and be on the computer if I so choose. But for some reason, it just doesn't have the same amount of appeal as it did before he got here, or while I was adjusting to not having that option, or hell even last week. I should have been excited to have my room back, even if only for a few hours. Instead, I'm moping around with nerves in my gut, the feeling of disconnection with my body which is making me anxious, wondering how he's doing and if he's liking his new job and when he'll be home. I can't wait to hear how his day went and most of all I can't wait to have my cuddle buddy back. I miss him. :(

I'm just here to say, separation anxiety is very real and lemme tell you, VERY annoying. lol

Adjustments

Change has never really been a friend of mine. Having anxiety only ensured that we'd never be on a bed buddies level of comfort, and even though I am starting to get better in some ways, we're still not exactly bosom yet. I don't know that we will be anytime soon. Change on a small level, if I'm eased into it, is tolerable at very best. Change on a large scale or in more than one area is hell at best and insanity a level under that. About two weeks ago, my boyfriend moved in with us. For the past 10 months we've been involved in a long-distance relationship, him from Pennsylvania and me from Texas, and its been rough at times, to say the least. It hasn't been completely roses since he's been here, but I haven't lost my mind yet so I'd say I'm learning to cope. There have been so many adjustments in such a short period of time. I'm used to my space, having my room to myself as often as I want, not having to ask for anything or share anything. Since his computer has to be shipped down here, for now we're both using my computer to do what we want to do online, and for an addict like myself that has NOT been an easy task at all. We have to share the tv, I'm not allowed anymore to have both the tv and computer because it leaves him with nothing to do, I have to share my bed (which is ok sometimes because its getting cold out lol) and that has been hard as hell, my room is always messy now (gosh men are sloppy creatures!) but what I believe bothers me most of all is that my brothers seem to open up more to the new creature in the house more than me. They stick to him like glue, I don't get more than two words unless they're tattling, begging or making fun of something. Maybe its because he's a man, so they see it as a kindred spirit of sorts, maybe its because he's the new toy in the house, I'm not sure. But its a little ego-crushing to see this new person come in (at your request, mind you) and steal your brothers (and sister, to a level) away from you without even really trying. I ask a question and get three word responses sometimes; he doesn't have to ask and gets a story. I've found out more about them since he's been here than I knew in the years leading up to it. Doesn't make me feel very needed at all; makes me wonder what my purpose is. I can't give advice or be a good example or any of that, because they don't need it and don't really seem to want it, either. I've seen lots of older sisters who were wonderful for their younger siblings. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I hate that I'm jealous, but I am. I was a good example in school, didn't get anything for it from them at that time but the normal sibling responses of "The house would be better without you in it," "I can't wait until you leave," mess like that was pretty normal for me to hear. I don't hear it now, but I don't hear what's going on with them or what they like. I've heard more in the two weeks my bf's been here. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me to where they can't tell me anything. Personal stuff that only another male could understand, okay. Stuff they'll probably get in trouble for, okay. Normal stuff like what they like and don't like, not so much. I remember writing a post some time ago about younger girls in my former church and how I thought I could be a good example for them, but they didn't seem to agree. It's pretty much the same thing here, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong to not be able to influence anyone in a good way or to where someone would need to hear what I have to say. Maybe that'll come in time and maybe it won't. I don't really know anymore. I do know, however, that it bothers me. Like I said, I know I shouldn't be envious but I am. I know that's wrong and I'm trying not to be, because its likely not anything personal, but I don't really know my purpose if nobody needs me. I don't know many things though, so I suppose I couldn't be of much help anyway. Meh. I have to fight being upset with them about it, but I know I'm failing. It's like I've been thrown aside...and that's not a good feeling, especially when you had to deal with complaining and whining in the months leading up to it that the new person was going to take you away. Then the new person gets here and THEY take the person away from you, throwing you to the side. Do they see it? Probably not. Will they care once they do? Probably not. Ahh, the power of irony. 

Anyway, the point of this blog was to talk about adjustments. I know those of you who have had anxiety for a number of years have come to realize that even if you were okay with change beforehand, it is no longer a welcome presence in your life. It is always something that is avoided or eased into, if possible. When it all hits you like bricks and there's no exit or way to backpedal to a level that's more comfortable for you, it can cause you to backslide because it becomes overwhelming. That has definitely happened in this situation. So many changes, so much adjusting to be done and no time to just breathe for a minute and absorb it all. I think that's what I need, but then everytime I start to think and try to absorb, I end up with more things that I didn't anticipate with this change and end up not liking them. I don't dislike them because they're all terrible, I dislike them because they represent change, things I can't have back. Things I can't take back. If not for any other reason than to preserve my bubble, this thing I've become used to being confined in for years upon years, I would take it all back and go back to where I was. This is so unfamiliar for me, its all unchartered territory and I wish I could go back to when everything was thought out, everything was planned. Everything now seems so spontaneous and permanent, which means there's no exit. Which means I don't like it. lol I'm trying to adjust, I really really am. I'm doing much better than I thought I would, but its so much at once that sometimes I think I'm just going to fall on my face or sabotage things so much that they go back to where everything was familiar. I'm a fan of happiness as much as the next person, don't get me wrong, but its still an unfamiliar concept to my life. I have considered many a time about sabotaging this unfamiliar thing in favor of what's familiar to me, loneliness and solitude, because its all I recognize and know to be familiar. I can't gain or lose when I'm inside the bubble, because nothing gets in. I'm in full control, so nothing that I don't like can get in and I can easily eliminate it if it does. I can't do any of that anymore, because the bubble is gone, seemingly for good. I'm happy about it, but at the same time I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know this atmosphere, this environment. I know what's inside of my bubble and nothing else. I wasn't coaxed out of the bubble with a biscuit and a soda, I was kicked out with no blanket in the dark. That's what it feels like, and its scary. Not to mention it makes me hate myself that much more. I mean seriously. How afraid do you have to be to want to be unhappy and be without love and happiness just because it puts you back in familiar territory? Smh.

I also realized that some of my anxiety about situations and my anxiety about men does indeed trace back to my childhood and some of the things I had to go through as a child. I suppose that's a relief to know now, but I wish I'd known it sooner. There's so much for me to conquer, not in a day of course and thank God, but throughout the course of this relationship there has to be so much growth in order for me to get to where I'm supposed to be. It's overwhelming. I thought that I'd be full and complete by the time I met the person who was supposed to go with me to this next chapter, but it turns out that I'm not. I don't know how to feel about that, because it just seems like I'm trash now and have to go through so much more throughout this relationship to be right. That's alot to endure. I don't want to put him through all of that. Hell, I'm not sure I want to go through all of that. Of course I want to be right, but damn, why do I have to be this banged up?

Adjustment is a painful thing indeed.

Happy Places and Distraction Bags

Happy places and distraction bags. These were two things that helped me significantly during the relapse a few years ago that I don't remember covering while I was going through it. I had already developed a happy place, but instead of leaving it as just a visual reminder in my mind, I tried my hardest to bring the visual to paper, so that I could always go to it. Sometimes I'm too distracted to focus really hard on getting to my "happy place" during an attack, and being able to have a visual on hand to help my mind get there helps alot. I'm really surprised I haven't covered this one yet; they were two big components to at least helping me cope before.

The concept of a "happy place" is not a new one by far, but it is an underestimated stress relieving tactic. Many people wonder, "What can a happy place do for me? I can't even go there." The point of having one isn't always to go there, although once recovery is fully on the horizon and this place really does exist, then shoot for the stars. But until then, this happy place is where you go to escape the world, escape your thoughts, and in some states of mind this can help restore hope in what I'm sure has become quite the dismal experience. Not saying your lives suck or anything, but it's a very gloomy atmosphere to be in, dealing with anxiety and fear all the time. A happy place is a reminder that not everything is bad, can give you that escape you need at that time, no matter how temporary, and can restore hope as well in the sense that it can motivate you to get there once you get better.

But it is much more than just picturing a beautiful sunset, or an ocean with crystal clear waters gently lapping at your feet; the visual is just the beginning and this is where the concentration may begin to falter if you're in attack mode. The item you are picturing is just the background, the smaller picture to the mental environment you are creating. As common as the term is these days, mainly said in joking or neurotic manners of speaking, it is still very surprising that there are genuinely people who don't know what a happy place is. I had to explain the general idea of the happy place to my mom, and even though many times it probably slips her mind when her stress and depression begin to get the better of her I know that having a happy place to go to from time to time isn't too shabby either.

For those of you who aren't aware or familiar with this idea yet, I'll give you a little walkthrough that you can practice with me now if you like. It's pretty simple, actually, I just want to make sure you all understand it so you can get the best experience you can out of it. Picture a location you've always wanted to go, preferably someplace that relaxes your mind and brings you peace. This place can be a beach, a spa, it doesn't matter. But don't just picture the location, put yourself there. Say the location you chose is a beach after all. Picture how the sand feels between your toes--is it cold, is it soft, does it have particles or other things in it, etc. Smell the air in this location--does it reek of saltwater, is the saltwater aroma more subtle, are there other scents present, etc. What can you hear, do you hear any animals off in the distance, any music, people, talking, etc.? What are you doing, are you walking, are you walking alone or with another person, are you sitting down and relaxing? The point of all the questions here is to help you make this experience as 3d, as realistic as possible. Use these questions as guiding points to get more in depth with this visual. Paint the picture as colored, as detailed, as vivid as you need to. The deeper the better because when you really need to get away to that place you have created, really picture yourself there.

Whenever you feel yourself reaching that limit or point of no return, feeling an excess of any negative feeling, rely on that place as the "happy place." However, do not use this place on the normal or it will lose its significance and won't be as welcoming when you return to it. Go to this place when and only when you absolutely need to, and when you have regained your calm or sense of peace, leave it. Do not use it as a crutch, or you will find yourself doing more daydreaming than going about your day.

Distraction bags were also a godsend to me when I was trying to recover by leaving the house. These bags are filled with things that help to distract you and calm you down, in essence bringing a part of your security blanket--your home--with you. My distraction bag had a few notebooks, a book that had different Scriptures in it for various issues or questions you may ask God, a couple of puzzle books, my anxiety workbook and journal, and a few magazines. I also had a couple of pictures, one with my mom and the other with my grandma. I still carry both of those around today, even though I don't need a distraction bag anymore. Your distraction bag doesn't have to contain the same things as mine; yours should be full of things that make you feel better and calm you down. The purpose of the bag is to help you adjust to the outside and be able to be out around people and still have a little bit of your own comfort level. I used to believe that I'd be completely uncomfortable being outside of my house with other people because I couldn't take anything with me to distract me or remind me of my security blanket, which was my house. I got the distraction bag and it ended up helping me significantly. And in under six months, I didn't need it anymore. Using the distraction bag helped lead into conversations when people asked what it was or what something was that I had inside of it, and before long, I wasn't relying on it quite as much as I became more comfortable with my surroundings. Luckily for me, at that time I only went a handful of places, none of which were unfamiliar to me after a time, mainly just uncomfortable because they weren't home. Bringing home with me eventually helped me to leave it at home. Don't rush yourself to get rid of your distraction bag, as a matter of fact, have fun with it. Decorate your bag, come up with new things and items to include in the bag, anything to help it be more exciting for you to take with you.

Happy places and distraction bags got me through a very tough period in my recovery; they helped me to become more comfortable with outside surroundings and people. I still rely on the happy place today; that's just a normal stress reliever. Distraction bags are more anxiety specific but please have fun with it for as long as you may need it in your life. I hope these tips work for you!

Goodness gracious!

Where do I even begin. Hell, I have no idea. I've been panicking alot more lately, much to my chagrin and discouragement. lol Can you believe I've even brought some of them on myself? lol Actually, I'm trying to recover from a self-inflicted one now! lmao Long story short, I have really bad acid reflux but I like laying on my stomach. Well those of you with acid reflux (and if you have anxiety its pretty likely you either already had acid reflux/GERD or have it now because its a side effect) already know laying on one's stomach while the acid's acting up only makes it worse, and eating after awhile of not eating and smoking makes it hard, so it can make matters even worse. I'll assume that's one reason why the doctor said I should be eating every 3 to 4 hours, so that I wouldn't have situations with the reflux anymore. Ehh. I digress and I'm hardheaded. So in more than one way, this is my fault. lol Anyway, I had a couple bites of a sandwich and like most folks, when you don't eat after awhile of the acid bubbling in the gut, it makes you nauseous. Laying on my stomach brings up the acid, so I kept swallowing when I already had a dry throat. This in turn caused my throat to close up, which made my gag reflex sensitive, which in turn made me panic when I tried to swallow after so long of forcing myself to swallow. Ugh. So I called my mom, and she helped for awhile but she was out with my stepdad and his mom so her attention was a little distracted so I got off the phone. I called a 'friend' that was supposed to be part of my 'support system' but that went nowhere quickly, so I let it go.

Speaking of support systems, let me reiterate to you again the importance of having a stable one. Yes, its ok that they have their own lives and sometimes might be a little busy, but if they agree to help you through the situation and say for you to call them if you need them, make sure that they mean it before you begin to rely on their support through the rougher parts of your recovery. I can tell you, having many failed 'friends' and 'support systems' through the years, its still very discouraging when one falls through. Its still a moment of extreme loneliness when you're in that moment and need a distraction or a friend to give you some calm, some peace to get you through. So please, please make sure that the people you select to be there for you truly mean it and that you have some kind of backup just in case people are busy or don't come through when you need it. You shouldn't have to experience it by yourself especially if others have given their word that you wouldn't have to; just watch your own back and have backup because at the end of the day, the only one that has your back all day everyday is yourself. Most 'friends' quite frankly aren't about shit. I just don't want any of you to realize that when you're down and out because its very sobering and increases the fear.

As far as my anxiety goes, I've been gradually having more and more attacks lately, but fortunately they haven't been hours and hours long like some of my worse ones. The intense part lasts between half an hour and an hour, and its not even constant anxiety; its more calm moments then a few intense and stressful ones, then it goes back and forth. After awhile, I'm left with the fatigue and the dizziness and the feeling of being on the border of the attack, like it could come back at any moment with a significant enough trigger. I'm not entirely sure why they have been recurring so often, all I know is that its very very irritating. Not to mention tiring as hell. I've been flip-flopping with my sleep cycle alot lately, so I end up exhausted most of the time anyway, but add that onto the anxiety attacks which usually leave me feeling like a deflated balloon anyway and I'm damn near collapse when everything goes back to normal. The little aftershocks of an anxiety attack are no joke.

I'll be going back to school sometime early this summer finally, after almost a year off. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to go back even then, but I'm getting restless and IMVU just isn't cutting it anymore. Initially I took more time so that I could do things that made me happy, like the developing on IMVU and spending time with the people there, but it has become a place of stress for me in that time instead. Regardless, I don't regret the break. It helped me see I was wasting the government's money continuing to go there, I was wasting my time not being able to learn, and the time I spent not learning there could have been spent looking for another school to better fit my needs. I found one, so I hope to be starting there around when the kids get out of school. It's much cheaper than AI so I'm hoping it goes better too.

As for IMVU, RPG just doesn't blow my whistle anymore. I'm right on the cusp of so many big real life decisions, trying to pave the way for the rest of my life, at the moment IMVU just doesn't compare. In general it has become such a source of my stress that I find myself dreading when I have to get online; dreading when I have to think about these fake situations that people bring on for entertainment purposes. I have to wonder if I want to create more stress for my life than I have, on a full-time basis. I still enjoy developing from time to time, but I know I'll never be pro material; I could never be that good. That kinda kills the buzz for me. It's also a very oversaturated network, so I'm fighting with hundreds of thousands of other aspiring pro developers and my products don't really stand out because they're either custom products or someone's already done it, and theirs probably looks better than mine anyway. When I put that all in perspective I had to wonder if it was worth six months of my time. Unfortunately, the answer was no. lol So once I go back to school and these things start coming together in my life, its eventually going to cut down on my IMVU time significantly anyway, so I can't even say I'm complaining too much now. I'm ready for the change; my life's revolved around IMVU and RPG situations for too long because there was no excitement in my life. That change is coming quickly now and the anxiety will be gone, I won't have the time or place for IMVU anymore once that change comes about and my priorities are re-shifted. And I'm ok with that. I believe the man is too. Well hell, even if he isn't I already know my time on there is going to be significantly decreased; I'm not going to force IMVU into my life if it ends up at the bottom of my priority and to-do lists. God already told me once the change has happened and my priorities have been shifted correctly IMVU will take its rightful place somewhere towards the bottom. Again, my goals and purpose have already been fulfilled, I'm straight with it not being a priority anymore.

Let's see....other than that I guess its pretty much same ol same ol. Financially my family's in a real bind so I'm hoping God comes through for us in a big way soon. I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow in my walk with Him; I'm desperately craving the peace of mind and confidence that comes with the faith I'm trying to obtain again. I haven't heard Him too clearly lately, but not for lack of trying. I haven't been trying just to receive the material either; I genuinely crave His presence in my life. It gave me a feeling that nothing on this planet can ever replicate and I miss it terribly. I just want to get better, get stronger in Him, be happy and live my life. Others get to do it, I don't think its asking for the world to be shifted off its axis if I ask to have my wishes granted as well. I'm a little sleepy and still pretty dizzy from that attack so I'm gonna lay down, but I do promise to try and update yall a little more often. Hope life is treating you well; God bless you all and take care; I wish you all the best on your recovery so far!

Intrusive Thoughts

If you've had any deep experiences with anxiety and its many side effects, I'm sure by now you are familiar with intrusive thoughts. If you are not familiar with its name, let me explain it to you. Intrusive thoughts are those nagging thoughts that come out of nowhere and seem totally out of character for you to be thinking. Majority of the time, these thoughts are sexual in nature, but in a deviant or perversive kind of way, thoughts that would normally leave you disgusted if you'd heard them from someone else and disgusted with yourself if the thought ever came to mind. You can have other thoughts too, more commonly the ones where you feel as if you are going to lose control or you really are crazy and are just suppressing it, things like that. Are you on level with me now? Some are even sacrilegious (sp?) in nature, which can be especially traumatizing to those whose spirituality or religion are an important part of their lives. If you were familiar with the thoughts but weren't sure what was wrong and automatically believed that because you were capable of those thought processes that you were obviously capable of carrying them out as well, I am very very happy to tell you that you are wrong. Those, kiddos, are simply intrusive thoughts and not only are not true at all, but they are treatable and can be eliminated with some work.

I know when I first started this blog that I said I didn't know why I was still battling anxiety; it seemed pointless because I'd learned all I needed to know. I'd like to be the very first to admit that I was so very wrong about that. In the past two, almost three years that I have been writing this blog, I have learned more about my condition than in the past 8 that I've had the disorder to begin with. This has truly been an eye-opening time for me and I have been happy to share it with you all. Actually, this blog has opened alot of doors to the information I ended up learning, because I was so determined to find information that was free and worked, and I almost always ended up stumbling across something that I found profitable for myself as well. Sometimes I wouldn't have anything personal to contribute but I wanted to post, so I'd go looking for information or new sites that maybe I could pass along, and I always found not only a good topic for the blog but some information for myself that ended up helping me along the way. So I'd like to say that even if you've been battling this for as long as I have, its never ever too late to learn more about this condition. Now that anxiety has become a household name and disorder because so many people are affected by it, new things, new sites, resources and information pop up all the time. Please don't shut yourself off to it like I did by thinking you know all there is to know about anxiety. This disorder is finally starting to get some of the attention it has always deserved, even if its not getting taken as seriously as it should just yet. Ten years ago doctors were calling it a crazy person's disease, and now over 6 million Americans alone have been diagnosed with the disorder. That's not counting those who have not been formally diagnosed with it or one of the related disorders. That's progress, folks. Progress that we have waited a long time in the dark to make. With that said, always leave your mind and your ears open to finding out more about what we are going through, even if it doesn't apply to you personally. You may end up finding someone later in life who is right where you are now, just as scared as you were before. They'll need the informed opinion that we didn't have and you can give it to them. By then it is my hope that you'll be 100% healed and recovered and ready to be a help to another anxious body in need of some comfort and peace. Okay, sappy part of the blog done. lol

Back to topic...

Intrusive thoughts are a common side effect of anxiety, although it is less discussed than the others due to the nature of the thoughts. They cause shame, disgust, worry and more anxiety in the person because of what the thoughts are about, so it is not easy to open up and talk about them with your doctor or therapist; sometimes its hard just to admit the thoughts are there to oneself because they're so disgusting. No, having these thoughts does NOT mean that you will do them or that you even want to. It's tempting to give into that thought, but let's break that down. Child molesters, rapists, murderers, sodomists, even true insane people--they all have their own set of disturbing thoughts. The difference is, they aren't disgusted by them. There are some who say they commit the act to rid themselves of the thought, but the desire was already there in addition to said thoughts. Ours are very different. The thought in a general sense turns our stomachs. To put ourselves in the category that these thoughts would put us in has some of us ready for suicide to think that we'd be capable of such a thing or that these so-called hidden desires are finally coming to the surface. Not true at all. Its our reaction to them that should set us off immediately to the fact that those thoughts are not only unwelcomed, but untrue. However, the severity of the nature of said thoughts allows us to overlook it and focus just on what the thought is running through our head, not our reaction to it.

Notice how the thought or thoughts run through your head seemingly on repeat or like its on a LED monitor's scrollboard and the more you focus on it or give it attention the larger the thought grows and your anxiety grows with it at the concept that you are somehow this horrible person underneath everything else? That's how intrusive thoughts work. They repeat themselves and you begin to obsess over them, allowing the thought to grow larger and take root in your head. Then all the fears and worries come as a result, what if you really are like these thoughts you just had, what if you can't control yourself and you carry out these thoughts, will everyone see the person you really are because you have these thoughts, you start feeling like a fraud in front of others as a result, its a neverending chain of bad thoughts, fear and shame. Don't give into the shame and degradation that you'll feel; it only allows the thought to grow and take root in your mind. Here is what you do. Embrace it. I know you're like, what the hell? Why would I do that? That means I am accepting of these thoughts. No, you're not. You're not accepting that you are like these thoughts are suggesting, that you are going to do the things the thoughts are suggesting or even that you agree or particularly like these thoughts. It's obvious that because the thoughts are distressing you and causing you grief that you don't like or agree with them, so stop worrying. Remind yourself that if you were really inclined to such things, you wouldn't have any problem thinking about it. If you have a problem with it, that means its not something you want to do and it is therefore just an intrusive thought. I don't mean embrace the thought or the feeling that comes with it, I just mean embrace its presence. Acknowledge the thought, then start talking logic to yourself. Acknowledge that the thought is there, then leave it alone. Any further attention that you give it will allow it to grow, which will only cause you more distress at making the thought go away. Acknowledge the thought, speak logic to yourself, then find something productive to do and LET yourself become distracted by the activity. Fighting the thought being there will only allow it to remain because of the energy you're taking up to fight it being there in the first place. Let it stay, but don't give it any more attention than the initial "Okay, I know what you are" or you'll end up in the same spot again, anxious and overanalyzing your character, which is more distressing in itself. After awhile, you will be very pleasantly surprised to realize that the thought has gone away. I even tried beckoning the thought back after I was calm again just to see and realized the issue was so much more laughable when logic was the primary functioner in my mind as opposed to my anxious mind. Sometimes it'll go away after a few minutes, the more stubborn ones can take a little longer. Either way, it'll go away so don't be alarmed, and don't doubt yourself or your character. Don't let this beat you, guys. I can overcome intrusive thoughts and so can you.

Slipping backwards and hanging on by a thread.

That's what it feels like I've been doing for awhile now. Just continually, gradually but continually nonetheless, slipping backwards and now hanging on by a thread. Bit by bit, the progress I thought I'd made mentally has either slipped or is slipping away.

For awhile I was very confident in God and the promises He'd made. But bit by bit, day by day, frustration mounted, discouragement increased and before I knew it faith had decreased before I was just mentally and spiritually numb...kinda dead inside from all of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think He's gonna just leave us out to dry in the cold, but as I watch my sanity slowly starting to get away from me I do begin to doubt. Not even gonna lie. I feel so trapped by all of this that I wonder if its possible to ever truly completely come back from it without a thought or a moment of nagging panic here and there. An irrational thought or fear every once and again. Is it possible to come back from where I've been, what I've had to go through, and not have those? Just finally be able to live my life free from mental issues? Some days I don't know anymore. Not because I feel God is not big enough to heal me from it, but because I don't know if its in His will to heal me from it. I'd like to think it is. I have so many dreams and hopes and goals.....and drowning in this is so scary, I don't know if I could live the rest of my life like this. I know I can't. It's too much.

I think its months of isolation, loneliness and stress catching up to me in a way; everything's been kind of spiraling lately. I've had this low-grade fever and stomachache for days now and that hasn't made resting any easier because now I'm back to suffocating when I do sleep. When I am awake my stomach is bothering me or the thoughts are back and bugging me, or I'm on the verge of panic or anger that is of epic proportions. I can't deal with all of it. Hopefully it'll be better once I can get some things with myself back on track. I'm hoping the nights don't become a problem again for me; one jag with all of it was enough.

I decided that if things at the Art Institute don't improve by November, I'm going to start transferring in December and start somewhere else in January. This gives me time to find a school I like and get all my records straight by the time the winter semester is over. The school is bugging me anyway. lol

I'm not sure what all is going on with me, I feel like everything's kinda swirling out of control. I just want it to get back on track. Two years ago I was going through this terrified because I didn't know what was going on with me and was scared of what could possibly happen. Now, I'm going through it terrified because I know exactly what is going on, remember everything I had to experience and am scared of what could happen now too. Catch-22 from hell. And here I was thinking that if I was put back in the situation it would be easier to handle. Boy was I wrong. Sigh.

I'm sooo soooo sorry

I am eternally sorry I have not been on here in so long. For awhile, I was so caught up in whatever was going on that I didn't have much to say. Just to update you really quickly, this summer I've been doing some backsliding, which pisses me off to no end, but despite that I still see some changes that were not half bad. I've been learning more about assertiveness and how to be more upfront with what I need to say to people when I need to say. It's a good feeling, to stand up for yourself. It's something I've never been fantastic at, but when I relapsed two years ago it was like I lost the ability entirely, which was partly why it was so easy for dude to manipulate and bully me into not saying anything last year. I didn't know how to stand up to him, or stand up for myself anymore. Gaining it back hasn't been half bad. It's still not easy because as I said, I was never very good at standing up for myself, but one--I realize and am ok with the fact that some of the things I say are not going to make everyone happy; doesn't mean they may not need to be said; and two--I deserve the right to speak just like everyone else. Standing up for myself when someone's putting me down or being condescending or just difficult isn't wrong, after all its not wrong when they're doing it, right?

School is going terribly and alot of days I wake up wondering why I even decided to go back for this degree. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a challenge and I enjoy knowing that I earned what I have. However, challenge doesn't even begin to describe what I've had to go through at this school. The teachers hardly ever participate or encourage discussions amongst us students, they take forever to respond to personal emails, and forget about wasting the email if you need to ask them for help--they won't give it to you. I knew going into this math class that I was going to need some help and my instructor has provided little to none. I know he can see I am struggling in this class but has he handed me a life preserver? Nope. Has he even suggested how I can improve other than by going to the school's tutoring center, which is a failure in itself? Nope. I already knew by the end of the first week when I couldn't turn in anything and couldn't find alot of help that made sense that I was going to fail the class. I think my instructor knows it too but he's not doing a damn thing to help. I know the dynamics of college are different from high school and there isn't going to be an instructor over your shoulder reminding you to turn in your homework and offering to help you with stuff. You're an adult now, blah blah blah. That doesn't mean adults don't need help and it doesn't mean that the teacher's job ends with the initial instruction, something ELSE they don't do at this school. My finances are all jacked up and I haven't heard a peep from my finance instructor in over a month. I have no idea what's going on. It's week 5 in these current classes so I should be hearing from my academic counselor as well. Have I gotten a call? Nope. And the finance counselor never...and I do mean NEVER answers his phone and he's rotten at returning calls too. Ugh...I'm kinda ready to just be done with the school; problem is that I do like the curriculum and I do like what I'm learning...when I understand it. There aren't alot of online Hotel & Restaurant Mgmt. programs that are worth it, and I'm beginning to think that even though the lessons plans here are top notch, this school is not worth it either. So I'm kinda stuck on what to do. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot and not getting the help I think I should be getting with my lessons. So that's that.

A couple of months after my last entry, I heard from dude again. He came at our mutual friend yip yapping about how he had grown up and understands who I am now and wanted to talk to me. He knew I wasn't having it, so he had her guilt trip me into calling him. Well I get on the line and he's being the typical apologetic ex, "I respect and understand who you are now" "I saw the women over here and realized you were right for me" "I've never been happier than when I was with you," blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Usual mess. So I hear him out, but I didn't realize how much I'd been holding in, so I started to cry when I had to remember everything I went through with him because it was hurting so bad. I made the mistake the next day of letting my guard down and telling him I'd missed him in the 4 months, I didn't get the response I wanted back, needless to say. We texted each other a couple of times but I didn't hear from him again for a few days til he called and we spoke for maybe 5 minutes before he rushed me off the phone. I knew something was up, but I couldn't put my finger on it and in all technicalities, didn't have the right anymore to assume things anyhow. Long story short, I didn't hear from him for about 3 weeks, then when he called back he finally said he was 'busy.' I don't wanna know what he was busy doing and didn't really believe the story he gave. I spoke to him the next night, and he was still talking all that 'I love you' mess but I could tell that underneath it, he really hadn't changed. So I wasn't trying to hear it. Well guess what, he promises to call the next day and I haven't heard from him since. That was 3 months ago. My friend finally told me last month that he felt things were moving too fast and he wasn't ready yet. Ready for what, I have no idea. He was the one trying to rush me into visiting him, he was the one talking about I miss you, I love you, blah blah, not me. Not once did I even say how I was feeling or whatever, as a matter of fact I was barely talking at all. So if anyone was trying to rush things, it was definitely him. I saw some things I didn't want to see on his Facebook and I just started to realize the things I was going through by just having him in even a small part of my life, so I made the decision to cut things off for good. This fool thinks I'm just gonna sit around and wait for him? Please. He really doesn't know me. I've come to terms with alot of things where we were concerned and I think I needed that, so I can't say the whole thing was a bust from start to finish. I won't lie or romanticize it, most of it was hell and in retrospect I can see that for alot of the relationship, I was the unhappiest I'd ever been in a relationship. In general though it was a learning experience and I learned a hell of a lot about myself and what I will and won't do for the one I love. Love does not and should not ever equal loss of dignity, self-respect, pride, or sense of self. It should enhance those things. If it doesn't enhance at least one, it's not right because love shouldn't ever be demeaning and losing any or all of those four things is very demeaning. Anyway, I'm looking forward to when I meet the one who really is a man and not just wearing men's shoes trying to play ball with the major players. It's exciting to think that one day, all these lessons will be applied and all these tears will evaporate when I meet this person and if I do cry it will be from happiness, not pain. It's refreshing to think about. But what I know to be true is that God will give me someone who already knows what and who he is, what he wants, therefore having no reason to put that kind of pain on me. And I won't be putting that kind of pain on him, not to mention we can share an awesome bond by both of us having given ourselves over to Christ and building our ministries. I'm excited just thinking about it.

8-21-2010
First off, Happy Birthday to my stepdad. lol Secondly, not long after I wrote that, actually just a week or so ago, dude called. Again. I answered but was getting ready to take a nap, so he said he'd call later. I missed the call the next day and didn't bother calling back. I asked our friend why he was calling; he'd told her the same ol bull. "I miss her." Notice he only misses and calls me when its convenient. I don't have time for that mess anymore. I just don't. He called yesterday but I didn't hear the phone so I texted him later. He said he just wanted to talk. I was thinking "Really??? After 3 months you call me like nothing's wrong because you just wanted to talk??!" I was livid, but I asked him what is there to talk about. This fool goes all victim like I attacked him and says "Dang Amanda I can't just wanna talk" I was ready to be a jackass and say hell no lol but maturity won out (somewhat) and I just said 'I never said you couldn't' at which point he gave me some small talk, I barely answered and that was that. He called our friend and said I must have been really pissed at him since he could tell I didn't feel like talking to him. And he's right, I am still upset with him and realized that I didn't feel like talking to him, didn't even want to know how he was doing and didn't ask, but more so I was just thrown off. For months, I imagined what I'd say to him if I had the chance to get some things off my chest, and now that I have been confronted with the opportunity in a way I'm not ready to do it. I'm not sure why; its not like I'm afraid to not have him in my life anymore, that concern was gone months ago. I think I'm just not ready to open that box further and let him know what I need to tell him. I'm not entirely sure why I'm putting it off. But God either brought this opportunity back for me to confront it and eliminate it before He brings me something else, or it was the enemy just trying to throw me off track, which does seem likely since dude still has a bit of a pull on my emotions. And a few months ago, he definitely would have thrown me off track. Now though, I'm just trying to understand what is at play here so that I can have the correct response and not let my emotions dictate what I do. In my book, especially with dude, that's growth. But you know what, who cares about all that. I have awesome news.

I was able to walk with my brothers and sister up to my brother's school yesterday!! :-) Awesome, right?? I wanted all 5 of us to go but one of my brother's knees was bothering him so he didn't go. The other 3 and I went to the school to find out my youngest brother's teacher, and I was fine! As a matter of fact, my walking up there with them was my idea......shocker right? My mom's fibro was bothering her so she didn't feel like making the walk, and that was when I suggested that us kids walk up there instead so she could rest for a day without walking. The school's only down the street, but its been 4 years since I was able to walk to the school, especially without my mom or being on the phone with her or anything. I was nervous as hell and almost backed out at first, but my mom walked with me a couple of houses and gave me a pep talk, then we were off. We weren't walking fast or anything, just kinda moseying along I guess, and before I knew it we were at the school, so I called my mom and told her I made it, then when we got back a few minutes later I realized hey---I did it!! It felt so natural, like I'd never stopped walking with them, which is good because I think I would have chickened out if I'd realized immediately the magnitude of what I was doing before I'd gotten home. It felt great. It was tiring, but for once in a long time, it was a welcome feeling.

I've been wearing my Natural hair a bit more lately too; the original reason was because the van wasn't working so I didn't have a ride down to the hair store lol and even if I had one I wasn't going anywhere so the money would have been wasted. I started taking care of my hair a little more, and I'm a little comfortable with wearing it again. I've also cut back on my sodas; I've been drinking more Capri-Suns and remembering why that was my favorite drink when I was a kid. lol On Sundays, I don't drink any soda at all and eventually I'm going to cut back to drinking nothing but water on Sundays. I figured it was time to show my dedication to God since I can't fast like others in my prayer group and that seems to be the biggest thing I have in my arsenal. I still maintain that I won't give up my soda til I'm good and ready and I'm tired of people pressuring me into doing it, but you know what, I don't have to and God doesn't expect me to. I made this decision to be spiteful then realized I liked it. So I'll keep it up until I want to stop, and when I do stop, I won't be guilted or pressured back into doing it. God knows I'm dedicated whether I'm drinking soda 6 days a week or 7; I have nothing left to prove to man. That's how I see it.

Anyway, how are all of you doing in your journey with anxiety? I hope you are all making some improvements and learning some coping strategies of your own, or hopefully able to use something that I gave in one of my blogs. Remember if you have any helpful links or websites to share, post them in the comments section or email me! God bless and stay safe!

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Merry freakin Christmas.

I gotta say, since the last time I wrote things haven't gone so well. My mom's back in the hospital, she's been there since last Wednesday. Funny that it was only 5 days ago but yeah....she spent Christmas in a cold hospital bed by herself. It makes me sad to think about it; she must have been so lonely and depressed. We kept her on the phone and sent pictures and went to see her Christmas Day but of course that doesn't replace actually being there, in your own home, with your family experiencing the holiday for yourself. So far, the doctor's not saying she'll be home for New Years,' but we're hopeful and praying that she gets to come home before then.

My lifeline is broken! Major :-(. I don't know how, but somehow last Monday I ended up accidentally bumping my laptop off my bed and onto the floor and it fell right onto the hard disk. So all of last week, I was either barely online or not on at all cuz my other laptop is too ridiculous for long periods of usage. lol Finally yesterday, a reverend from my church lent me his backup laptop and another reverend is looking at mine to see if he can fix it and tell me what's going on with it. I hope it's nothing to where the whole computer is dunzo, cuz that would eternally suck. My vouchers from school don't even begin to cover laptop or expensive school materials, and the refunds left over from my loans and grants wouldn't cover the cost of a new laptop and accessories even if I saved three of the checks put together. So if that were to be the case, I'd basically be screwed. That's been weighing on my brain. I looked at some computers down at a local rent-to-own company, but the problem with that is for some reason, none of those laptops have a very large memory and I don't have enough money for an external hard drive. So boo to that.

Haven't talked to dude since the last time I told you I spoke to him, a few weeks ago. And finally, that's okay with me. I don't mind and I don't think about him all the time anymore. Actually, I barely think about him at all. There's too much of other things going on for me to waste my time still going over a relationship that was over long before it got a chance to start. It won't change anything and won't do anything but upset me and I already have a couple of wonderful sources to contact if I want anger. lol I've thought myself to death on the issue anyway. So he's not on my mind as often as he was and you know what? That's okay. I don't find myself wishing we were back together anymore, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I don't even mind that we're not friends. I'd be happy if I never heard anything else about or from him except that he was alive and well. That's really all I need to know. I don't wish to have him back in my life, at least not right now, and that's finally okay with me. I don't care if he thinks about me or misses me like I used to, not only because it's pointless and I'll probably never get the answer I want, but because even if he thought about me all the time and was miserable without me (neither of which I think is the case here), it wouldn't change what happened between us then and it wouldn't change how I feel now, either. So why bother going around Robin Hood's barn thinking about something I could never get a good answer to, if I got an answer at all. I also thought I'd be miserable being single again but I'm not. Don't get me wrong, it still stinks and it's not the most favorable situation in the world, but compared to being miserable and tense because I was in a relationship that wasn't working, I'll take being single with a touch of sad any day. I don't want anyone else, but I don't want him anymore either. I love him for loving me at one time, but that's as far as it goes. I like where my life is going in some ways, and I like the direction that those things were going. I'd like to focus on those before I worry about getting into another relationship or stressing because a previous one failed.

I got offered a job at my church! The official job title would be church receptionist; I'd only be working part-time and it goes right along with my hours since I'm sleeping at night again.....by the way...YAY!!! I've been sleeping at night since early last week and I absolutely love it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Let's just hope it sticks. Anyway, my pastor offered me the job a couple of weeks ago but the problem is, if I take it I have to report it to Social Security and it could affect my monthly benefits. Not cool. So I spoke to a leader in the church and he said he'd try to find a way to still let me have the job on the terms we decided upon without it affecting my benefits. I was so excited about taking the job; the hours are great, I like being at the church, the kids will be in school during my work hours so it also gives my mom some time to herself, it helps me take that next step to independence, and I'm doing things that I like to do so it's not like I'd hate going. I think this is a great next step for me to take. The issue I have is that as I gain my independence back, I will lose my benefits. So I end up kinda scared to get better because it means I lose something in the process. The problem is that I want to get better. But with things like anxiety, you can be totally independent one day and relapse to a point of total dependence the very next day. It varies. I don't want to get better, lose my benefits then all of a sudden relapse and have to start the process all over. But God knows where my life needs to go and what needs to be done at this point in my life, so I'm going to give this to Him and let Him guide my steps. If it's meant for me to have this job, He knows the situation I need to have in order to best help my family and I trust that He will give it to me.

Despite my small issues and the problem going on with my mom's health, I honestly feel like my life could take a positive change for the better and I'm ready for it. I'm not too sure of what the future holds as nothing is set in stone, but that's okay with me, which is weird for someone who likes to know the future, have the plans to get there and doesn't jump into change. So good riddance to 2009, bring on 2010! Happy New Year to everyone; be safe, be blessed and take care!

Christmastime Blues

This Christmas isn't gonna be so great, I hate to admit. My mom's back in the hospital, I'm writing to you from my bonk first computer since I was a klutz and messed up the hard drive in my newer laptop by dropping it earlier this week, there's no money to do anything, I can't go anywhere, and I'm trying my absolute hardest not to panic. We're hoping Mom will be home sometime this weekend but with blood clots, you can never really tell. It's just been one rotten thing after another. I'm so burnt out on the events that have taken place in my life over the past two months that it's insane. It's like I can't find my footing. Despite what folks from church tell me, I seem to be slipping into this vortex of a black hole that has become my life. No matter what people tell me to do, no matter what people say to me, no matter how they perceive situations that I find myself in, every time I think I get a handle on something, yet another thing seems to come along and knock me back down. It's almost maddening. It really brings a feeling of helplessness when you have to watch your life happening to you and not all of it is good or fun and you can't do anything about it. It sucks.

I haven't panicked throughout any of this, but I've had this.....full feeling, kinda like I'm full of unspent energy or anxiety and I need to let it out. I'd really rather not though, if you want the truth. lol I'm kinda feeling like I'm in this on my own. The kids aren't helping, I haven't heard anything from my "family," I dunno....I'm just feeling alone. I'm worried about my mom and sad that she has to spend her Christmas in a hospital bed with strangers, away from a warm home and good food and family. I think it's rotten. I think it's even more rotten that instead of receiving support and well-wishes from those who are supposed to be near and dear to us, I'm getting implications that she's in this situation because of something she did wrong. It's such crap and it's really unfair to her. I hate when people do this to my mom, especially when she's not even in a position to defend herself. It's a cowardly stance to take, if you ask me....but the truth of it is, I've had to defend my mom my whole life. For some reason, people feel that they can just rag on her to me and it's supposed to be okay. It isn't. My mom's not a bad person and her health problems are not something she brought on herself. I really wish people would stop trying to bring her down with their false assumptions, biased opinions and general bullshit. Seriously.

As for me, I'm just exhausted. I don't know how to pretend I want to spend this holiday without my mom, with these begging kids in my face not helping me do anything, and that nothing is wrong when I'm really sad she's not gonna be here, I'm irritated that they keep trying to get whatever they want because it's Christmas and are perfectly fine with letting me do everything and they don't even know what I'm going through, and I'm so lonely and depressed that I can't fix the situation that I could pop.