Why I turned away....and other ramblings.

I think I'm beginning to see why I turned away from God awhile ago. I don't mean turned away in the sense that I stopped believing or having faith, but I stopped trying or making any effort to increase my knowledge. I did this because I didn't feel like I was learning anything that made me feel. Not feel good or feel bad, just feel, period. I didn't walk away with an inner sense of fulfillment, I didn't walk away feeling spiritually stronger, I just walked away with more questions and more anger at not having the answers I needed to get better. See I realized so much about anxiety and the security blankets we make ourselves believe we need in order to stay sane. They only create a false sense of security and that is why it is shaken so easily. Since I am religious, I have found that the only thing that should be giving me any security in all of this, the only thing I should be latching onto for any kind of support or security is God. He is really the only one that can help me and He should be my security blanket. It is okay to use other things that help make us feel safe or feel better, as long as they are not bad, addicting, and don't hold any more importance than God.

If you think about it, we all have a security blanket of some kind, even if it is only for a little while. Some of us turn to vices in order to cope with what anxiety brings and we use those vices to bury what they make us feel. Some drink so they can behave at a level without fear, some get high, some do both, believe it or not, some even use sex. It's not about the drinking or drugs or sexual activity, its the fact that those things help us forget, help us feel normal or part of a normal statistic, just for a little while. We're forever pursuing the illusion of normalcy, and some of us go to more extreme measures to achieve that feeling and help us forget our problem. But like I said in an earlier blog, what is normal really? Is normal society's version of normal, your family's idea of normal, or your idea of normal? Most times, our answer is the first one. We base our sanity and our expectations and our ideas of what is classified as normal off of what society feels it should be. How others in society behave and conduct themselves. That's not fair to us and it only creates pressure that shouldn't be there. Another problem with those security blankets is that they're what I call snowball vices. Snowball vices are things we turn to in an effort to forget or cope that end up snowballing out of our control and are capable of creating many more problems for us than solutions. Take alcohol, for example. Say your anxiety isn't that bad but you realize you're a bit more anxious than you're comfortable with and going to work causes a bigger sense of distress for you. So one night you go out with the boys/ladies to have a couple of after-work drinks. After your second drink you realize the tightness in your chest and the gripping fear you seem to have is gone. You feel clearer headed, you can interact better, you feel normal again. You're feeling good. So the next night, you do it again. And again and again. You get the picture. Soon you want this feeling more often so that you can deal. So a few months later, you realize you're downing a shot just to get to work. Then you're taking another so you have the motivation to go back to work after lunch. Plus the three drinks you have after work to take off steam, some with the coworkers and many others without them. Before long, you're battling anxiety and an impulse control problem with alcohol, which could quickly turn into alcoholism. Of course this isn't a regular case that I just described, but it happens. With me, my mom is my security blanket. I use her for everything. lol That dependence is slowly starting to break, but I still need to know she's there at some point.

I tried to switch some of that dependence on God and make Him my security blanket, but after awhile I stopped feeling. I know that we're not supposed to go on our own feelings or understanding, but I don't think I'm wired to function that way. That's one in a line of many things that makes me a human. I stopped feeling spiritually stronger and safer, so I turned away from it. I realized that today before I went to bible study. Speaking of which, I finally was able to sit through an entire sermon in the sanctuary with everyone else without panicking and having to leave. That was quite a milestone for me. I've been well enough to go to church for quite some time now but I was never able to sit in the sanctuary, even when I was well enough to at least sit through the entire service somewhere else. I could sit in the foyer, I could sit in the van, I could even sit in the back of the church, but never in the sanctuary. It always made me panic. The first (and last) time I tried to sit in the sanctuary during a bible study, I panicked about 10 minutes through and had to spend the rest of the time in the van trying to calm myself down. I didn't try again after that until April, when we had revival week and I made that promise to be there all 3 days. Remember that? Those were 3 of the most enlightening days of my life. I can't tell you one thing I learned while I was there, I just remember reaching a milestone, stepping out on my faith, and being able to reap the benefits. It felt amazing. I was worried that it would end and I'd start panicking again and not be able to leave the house, but even on days I didn't feel so great I left anyway. I realized not long after that I wasn't feeling too good any of the three days of the revival, but I went anyway and was even able to leave with a friend without having my mom there to coach me along.

Now while I'm happy I crossed those bridges, I'm still kind of sad that I walked away from the revival not remembering anything about the reason why I was there--to learn more about God and what He can do for us and what we need to do to be ready for Him. Despite my eagerness to get better with God's help, I am still going to need Him after---how will I get through the rest of my life here in one piece and be able to go on to eternal life with Him? I sure can't do it on my own--I'm not capable of it. Not meaning that I am weak in that sense, but that I don't possess enough to do it on my own. God doesn't make weak people, no matter what religious people tell me. If God makes us in His image, I refuse to believe that He'd make us weak so that we can depend on Him. God gives us free will so why bother making us weak? It's that strength that allows us to rely on blind faith, it's that strength that allows us to keep going when things get hard, and it's that strength that helps us go to Him instead of turning away and trying to solve it ourselves, or doing the easy thing by giving into temptations and thinking about the consequences later. What I think God equipped us with is just fine. It is how we use those things in reference to God that make us weak or strong. It is how we use what God gave us to determine whether or not we will go on to live an eternal life with Him, because we need strength to make some of the choices God gives us to make. Yes, God puts us on a path and makes us test our faith, and yes He allows the devil to put obstacles on that same path. The devil does not realize that he's just helping God do His job. If we have strength, the strength that God gave us, we will resist temptation, lean on God and rely on Him to get us over the obstacle. If we are weak, we will not turn to God, we will not resist the temptation and we will not ask for forgiveness if we give in. We are not strong enough to get through our entire lives alone, which is where God comes into play. But we have to be strong enough and use what God gave us in order to go to Him in the first place. I say this because we have to strip away every layer that we have. All the pride, arrogance, confidence, sarcasm, cynicism, bitterness, negativity---it's all gotta go. We don't like lowering our pride for others; that's one reason why we're here. So lowering those defenses and those walls takes a level of strength that we all possess but few tap into. That's just to lower that stuff to a normal person. Lowering that stuff and showing our raw selves to God can be harder because underneath those defenses lies a person that many of us don't like to look at too much. Which is why we put masks and layers and defenses in the way. So that others can't see who we really are and we don't have to deal with who we really are. Once those things are off and we are naked, then we can go to God. Many of us don't have the strength or the courage to deal with ourselves, flaws and all, so we don't go. But if you tap into those two things that God equipped us with to get us through this life, we can do anything. The first thing to do though, is go to Him and show Him our naked selves. After that, you can start putting the pieces back together, the right way. Leave off the masks from our past, put on the armor we'll need for the future, and walk in God's image. That also takes a level of strength because it is so easy to say 'no,' leave all of the baggage and give into what we want to do and just hope it gets us where we want to be. Something I realized is that life is about choices. Not 'should I or shouldn't I' choices, but 'am I going to allow God to help me with this decision or not' choices. Once you decide to let God help, you have to do it whole-heartedly and see it all the way through. This takes what.....say it with me now....strength and courage. It is too easy to tuck tail and say forget it. Courage makes you press on, strength helps you stay motivated and determined to stick it out. See, I'm not completely dumb when it comes to religious matters. This explanation makes alot more sense to me, it's done me some good when making decisions, and God hasn't told me I'm wrong yet. So it stays. I want to learn more about God and be excited and happy in that knowledge, but I'm not. That's where I ran into problems and turned away. As I was saying earlier, I'm aware that I shouldn't be going on the basis of my own feelings because they change, but that's just it. They haven't changed. I'm still capable of learning, but I don't feel any fulfillment and I'd like to.

A Deep Sense of Grief

I don't know if there's one person on this planet today that doesn't know Michael Jackson passed away on Thursday. At first, I was in shock, like everyone else. I was barely getting over the sting that Farrah Fawcett had just passed away earlier that morning. The shock gave way to sadness as comprehension about what happened set in. At first the sadness was for myself and for everyone else; we lost a great man and talent in him. Look, I don't care what people say about the man and I chose not to make judgments on his personal life because that's not my job. If he did what they say he did, then God is already handling it. If he did not, however, the truth will eventually find its way to the surface and many people are going to have something to answer for one day. Since I have already asked for forgiveness for any part I may have played in that, hopefully that's one thing I can cross off my list when my day comes. Anyway, the sadness for myself turned into empathy once I took the time to really read and learn more about him. What I read wasn't too surprising, but it was enough to really open my eyes to what he endured during his time here. Many people see him as this talent, this ball of magic that either did everything wrong or could do no wrong at all. That's a hard thing, a nearly impossible feat to live up to. It must have taken an amazing amount of courage and strength to be Michael Jackson. He set the bar for himself and everyone else. It's hard to live at and above that bar everyday. But once I read more about him, I felt so empathetic for him and what his daily life was like. Despite being arguably the biggest entertainer to ever hit this Earth, that very blessing--his talent-- was also his biggest curse. It's odd how something so beautiful has the power to be so ugly at the exact same time. I felt so sad that this was really his life. I started really paying attention to the messages in his videos, the words in his songs, the comments people left upon hearing of his death and realizing they weren't that much different from when he was alive. It broke my heart. It's easy to stand on the outside of something and make assumptions, jump to conclusions, make all kinds of suggestions. But what if you're on the inside, and those same comments were directed at you? Those same messages and words came from your heart because they were what you really went through. And I was filled with such a deep sense of empathy and sorrow for him that I wasn't sure where to put it all. I thought I was going to explode with it. The lack of caring, not for him as a person with faults but simply as another human being who no longer had the chance to experience taking another breath, blew my mind. I'm not saying that he was a perfect man or that he didn't have problems. He wasn't and he did. But then again, I am not a perfect woman and I have enough problems to keep many therapists paid quite nicely for a few months at a time. I just feel now that since I have re-accepted Christ into my life, I am no longer in a position to make judgments about anything, especially something I had no part of. I choose not to make judgments. I may have my opinions on what I think happened or didn't happen, but it doesn't matter. My opinion does not matter. So I keep it to myself--I was mourning the loss of a legend and another human life. The empathy has not gone away, but it turned into sadness for his children. Say what you want about him, but he tried his hardest to protect his children. That protection, that security blanket, is now gone for them. And that doesn't help matters at all. It's bad enough that the children had no relationship with their mother, but to now no longer have one with their father as well? That's traumatizing for three children all under the age of 13. There is so much he is going to miss in their lives and it makes me sad for them, and him for that matter. That sadness eventually turned into what I am feeling now: sad and angry with a lack of comprehension. I am angry that this person who changed lives all around the globe is gone. I am sad that people are feeling such a deep sense of loss. I do not understand why he is gone, how his purpose was served when his children are not even grown yet, and mostly why a significant life like his was not traded for an insignificant one like mine. I still do not understand it, so I have asked either for clarity or peace. Whichever comes first I will accept. Despite not understanding the reasons, I am aware that life does not happen based on our own understanding, so maybe God felt this was the best thing to do. He sees the whole picture, while the rest of us only see what we are allowed to or choose to see and process. I trust God's judgment, I just don't understand it. But I could not and still cannot understand how this person, who meant so much to so many, is without breath right now while I am not. I realized after awhile that I was going through what sounded like survivors' guilt. My first thought was, 'Wait. Isn't survivors' guilt usually suffered by those who survived an accident while others did not?' I always thought survivors' guilt was something suffered from a personal standpoint. I don't know Michael Jackson personally, and I'm not even grieving for what some would consider to be the 'right' reasons, if there are any right reasons to grieve.

He was a very unhappy man. That much is well documented. There is an air of sadness in his eyes in each video, if you pay close attention. The only time I did not see that was when he was actually on stage. That was where he belonged, and fittingly, where he spent his last night alive. I heard he only agreed to 10 shows but was bulldozed into doing 50 in an effort to help decrease his mounting debts. In any case, even though reports show that he was happy the night before, he was not originally that excited about doing the shows and was actually afraid of disappointing. Health problems plagued him for years, as did addictions and what I think is some level of mental instability. Several reports show that he knew that already but was still about to go ahead with this set of shows. I heard he predicted this would happen, and it appears that he was right. Everyone else laughed him off and tried to comfort him, but in the end, he was the only one who truly knew what his fate held in store for him. That's a hard thing to live with and once you're that convinced that something will happen to you, it's hard to live your life acting as though the opposite could happen. It seemed to me that Michael knew this was going to happen to him, it was just a matter of when it would happen. I was so angry that he had to deal with something like this for who knows for how long and then ended up being right about it. Like I said earlier, my life doesn't begin to compare. But I think it would be easier to mourn for someone who would only take 2 lines of obit in the local paper than it would for someone who commands the entire issue. I appreciate that God allowed me to wake up this morning, I'm not that blase about life and death. I don't want to hate life or being angry at God for telling me that I'm still alive for a reason, it may be to change things for the better in someone's life. Totally not going to happen, but whatever.
The point is, he kept me here for a reason. I wish it was to help, but I need enough of that myself. I just want to understand or at least come to terms with having a life worth alot being taken away and a life not worth that much being kept.

Freedom

One place that I've always wanted to visit was Tuscany, Italy. I've read so many books that take place there, seen so many pictures, and I gotta tell you, I'm in love with the place. I don't want to go to all the places everyone's always talking about--Vegas, Paris, London, Rome--I mean, they'd be nice, but my dream place is Tuscany. Rolling green hills, big villas, lots of sun, deep cultural roots, freshly grown..everything lol, ahh. It just screams peace to me. I had this crazy dream once (actually I always have crazy yet oddly accurate dreams but this was just one occasion) about it and I can't get it out of my head. Have you ever dreamt about something and when you wake up, the feeling that you had in the dream is still there, so you want to do whatever you can to recapture that feeling? That's how I feel about this place. And with it being so far away from home, if I ever get the opportunity to just visit there, even for an hour, it'll be the biggest confirmation for me ever that my battle with anxiety has been won. Anyway I wrote this poem about it and I called it Freedom. Hope you like it!

It's a beautiful day

The sun is beating down on my skin

I can feel the breeze blowing in my hair

The sweet aroma of freshly stomped grapes is pungent in my nostrils

I see stretches of green that sprawl for miles

The culture is etched in every inch of the surroundings

I feel invigorated

Alive

I can feel the springing softness of the grass between my toes

I can feel my spirit beginning to stir

I hold my arms out to my sides

Close my eyes tight

And breathe.

I am free.

I am floating now

Drifting past the bars

Soaring above the chains

And breaking down my walls

I feel re-energized

A caged bird no longer

Free to roam and float and fly

I feel as though I have absorbed a cloud

No more demons

No more dark clouds chasing the rainbows in my mind

No longer are burdens sinking the ship that is my heart.

My soul is free to frolic and grow

My heart is finally free to love

With a sense of completeness and fulfillment that I have never known.

I am no longer tied to my worldly pains and grief

My mind no longer holds the draining experience of despair

My body feels no pain

My heart is finally at peace.

This is my chance to fly.

I am alive.

I am free.

It's been a little rough lately.

I have not been having an easy time this past week. As I've said many times before to my mom, it feels like the first week of October all over for me again. That week and a half was hell. I wish that I had seen the signs building up to that time instead of immediately catastrophizing the situation. In my defense, I'd never gone through anything lt before and it seemed constant at the time, so it was harder to make sense of it. I feel my fear of nighttime trying to creep back up on me; it never goes entirely away. But the difference between then and now is how I have handled it. Back then, my fear of nights was so strong I didn't want to find out the reason why it was there, I just wanted it to go away. But I learned so much in that time, and I really do consider it to be the point where things started to turn around for me, both physically, mentally and spiritually. Physically, ehh. I still drop weight faster than you can drop it like its hot, but that's mainly because I no longer eat meat. I haven't had a piece of meat since April 2, 2008. I didn't think I could go a year without eating any meat, but I have. The mentality that I get when I eat meat is not one of pity like most vegetarians, but a bit of disgust. I dunno how to explain it but usually I could deal with it and keep going--last year it just hit a stalemate and I couldn't do it anymore. It partially triggered the attack that begun the relapse. That doesn't mean I don't still want meat; trust me, I would kill to eat some ham and eggs or a chicken sandwich. But that mentality that is so hard for me to explain stops me right before I take the first bite and I can't go through with it. If I do, the thought just sits there, turning in my stomach, until I'm either too nauseous to speak or I've given  myself a panic attack to rush the digestion process, therefore eliminating the reason to panic--if I rush it, I'll be hungry again before long, which usually helps me calm down some. FYI--did you know panic attacks do that? So if you're panicking and you realize that your bodily functions are just all over the place, that's why. But I'm getting off track here. Anyway, my physical or eating states are not where I would like them to be, but considering the fact that at this time last year a bowl of rice could easily last me a week, I am counting my blessings. I'm still here, I don't need to be hospitalized, and I am going to get better. That's all that matters to me. The rest will come later. The fact that I still want meat and would rather ignore the thoughts I have shows me that this is all the anxiety talking, not my actual desire to be a vegetarian cuz I'll tell ya the truth, after a year doing it, it ain't for me. It really isn't and I hate it. For awhile at first, I was actually a vegan. I had to ease myself back into cheese and milk. That won't be happening again. lol But the thoughts are all controlled by the anxiety--I have no desire to embrace the lifestyle willingly. There's time though and I'm living ok on what I can eat. I'll get better.

That doesn't mean that it's always ok or that I don't always panic, because truth be told, I panic quite often. I am trying not to indulge it; I keep busy with something, even if it's as mundane as walking around and taking the tabs off all my soda cans. LOL I refuse to give into it. At one time I would have said that it'll just keep bothering me til I give into it so I might as well, which would mean I would practically invite the attack just to get it over with, but I no longer believe that. I believe that one opens the door to others and my resolve and willpower are weakened. I can't allow that to happen. I have worked too hard since October to ensure that I handle this differently this time around. I can't explain exactly what happened, but I went through alot that I had never experienced before. It was a scary time. And I got through it with so much more than I came into it with. That was the first and probably only time out of this that I was actually grateful for the hard experiences that I had to endure. This time around though, I know exactly why I am feeling most of the things that I am going through which significantly decreases my panic level, but one thing I did not learn was how to make the things go away. I just learned what they were and a better way to handle it: calmly. When I am calmer, I am more rational, I can think straight, and I can carefully evaluate what I am feeling instead of immediately writing it off as something bad and bringing on more panic than I can handle. I cannot figure out how to make the things I am feeling. I am alot calmer this time around, but no more knowledgable about how to come up with a solution for it than before. So on some level, it still feels like the first week of October to me. I still get a little fearful in the middle of the night, I still have alot of physical and sometimes mental symptoms that tend to get worse at night as well, and I just generally feel what I can best describe as 'off.' I'm not sleeping, barely eating and hardly leave the room because I have nowhere to go. I guess those three things set the stage for panic. My stomach problems flare up more when sleeping and eating patterns are off, but I can't seem to get them in sync, either. Ugh. How much longer does this have to go on?

What do I do now?

So I found out from my mom tonight that my stepmother's cancer has returned but it has spread. I'm not sure what to make of that, but it's making me panic nonetheless. The weird thing about this is that somewhere inside me, I'm not worried about her. Not because I don't care, but because I genuinely believe that she can beat this. She beat it before and I know she can do it again. I didn't have much of a reaction at first, which made me worry about my true feelings concerning what I was told. I was worried that someone was blunting my emotions or that deep down I didn't care, as I did not feel anything. But then sometimes when I'm alone, the feeling of sadness or anger, but mostly sadness, seems to overwhelm me with how intense or how strong it is. I don't want to think about her dying and leaving my father and their children alone. Now I don't have a good or even remotely existing relationship with my stepmother--she can't stand me and because of her blatant dislike with no reason, I can't say the feeling is exactly mutual but she's definitely not my favorite person in the world. Despite that, I could never wish that on someone else and it would break my heart to see or hear about her children growing up without her. She is a strong woman and she's a fighter. The doctors are hopeful about her prognosis and want to start chemo and radiation immediately. I want to put this in God's hands so that I can have some peace, but I'm a little worried underneath it all. I don't want to get that call, despite our relationship. That's never a good call to receive and I don't want it to happen. I want her to be around, for weddings and births and graduations and recitals and lazy Saturday afternoons. Her kids deserve that. My dad deserves that. She deserves that. All I can do is pray about it and leave it to God. When it gets right down to it, that's all any of us can do--we yield no power over each other besides what we allow and we surely don't yield any power over God and His will for our lives. But all I am asking for is some peace in what she is about to go through.

I just realized something.

I just realized something about why I have anxiety. If I am where I am now, which is a place I consider to be of epic failure proportions, I have no room to either fail further or succeed. Normally that doesn't sound like such a good place to be, but when I think about it, I realized that I am afraid of failure....and success. Very contradictory, right? Let me explain. My whole life has been about things being taken away from me, not having very much in my life and always having to worry about the other shoe making a thud when I did have something. So even though I didn't realize it, I learned to not expect much and to always be worried when I actually got what I wanted. I eventually became more content with wanting and dreaming about something rather than actually possessing or accomplishing it. I never thought that I would dream about something for months, actually get it and not be excited. But it's happened. I fear success because for so many years, I would hope and dream for something and in the rare occasions I got it, I ended up losing it at some point. So the way I saw it was, if I never got anything, I never had anything to lose later. Dreaming and hoping about it were safe for me to do because I didn't actually have the responsibility of having it to lose. Does that make sense? And I fear failure for the same reason everyone else does--who really wants to fail? If you fail at that, does that mean you will succeed or fail again? The contradictory thing about all this is, in a way, I want to fail at something in my life. For me, failure is like planting a seed. After you plant the seed, you can either water that seed and watch it grow into a beautiful plant, or you can forget about it and let it die. Relating that to failure, you can either learn your lessons about failure and allow something else to grow from those lessons, or you can forget about success and let the failure kill your spirit instead. I want to fail at something because I want to learn something that I can't learn from succeeding at everything I do. But I can't ever fail if I'm too scared to try for fear of failing, right?

With success, the fear is that I will change and become someone I don't want to be. Money is responsible for creating so much evil if not handled correctly. And when you don't have money more times than you do, you would think that for all the planning of what you'd do with it and all the dreaming of what you'd do with it, that you'd be responsible with it once you actually have some. Not always true. The truth is, you get this money and all of a sudden you have this power, this privilege, that you didn't have before. You see something in the store and it may not be the first desire of your heart, but its the main fact that you can now buy it if your heart so desires that you get it anyway. And when you become used to the concept of instant gratification that having money at your disposal 24/7 brings, it is only a matter of time before the happiness at no longer having to struggle turns to greed. And I've had money a few times in my life. I wasn't greedy with it, but I was alot less intelligent about the way I spent it than I should have been. And instead of enjoying the things I was able to do with it after the money was gone, I spent that time regretting it instead. If I get that privilege to just go to the store and get what I want all the time, I'm afraid I'll become too greedy and materialistic. I could say that I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen, but when it gets down to it, I have a love hate relationship with money. I don't know how to make sure it doesn't happen if I have whatever I want within such close reach all the time. The success factors in because while I haven't accomplished my goals yet, I have willpower and drive and motivation. If I achieve those goals, I don't want to become too arrogant in the fact that I earned my success and I know it. I don't like to gloat excessively, but I don't know how I will handle the success once I have achieved it. I can only hope my morals don't change. I don't want money or success to make me into someone I don't recognize. Not having any or very much money keeps me humble and keeps me hungry. Not literally hungry, but I'm more hungry for success that way. I'm afraid of becoming complacent if I reach my goals. I always want something to strive for in life, whether it be for fulfillment in a relationship or a job, or becoming more knowledgable in a religious way. If I accomplish goals that were once dreams, that were once my sole source of motivation, I feel like I'll become stagnant and that thought scares me. Also, the further up the steps of success that I climb, the further I have to fall. I have lived my life expecting to fail, expecting to fall if I succeed because it always happens that way. I know some would say that if I enter the situation expecting to fail at it then I probably will, and on some level I agree with that. I also say that its better to prepare myself for the worst while planning for the best. I can plan to succeed but I don't want it to surprise or break me if I fall. None of us truly know our limits in life until we reach them. I don't know what will break me, and I don't want to find out. So if I never move up or down in the ladder, in my mind, it keeps me safe. Safe and boring. Safe and boring and not successful anyway. My anxiety factors into that by taking the fears I have about failure and success and blowing them so far out of proportion that I am too afraid to try, so that I never go either way. Anxiety is about finding a place that does not bring panic, finding somewhere you feel safe and protected. Since I am afraid to either move up or down the ladder, staying in the middle where nothing happens is my safe place. Because I am too afraid to try, I can't succeed, which means in that respect, I can't fail either. Since I have already failed in a way by not going after my goals, I have no further left to fall. So my question is, how do you get past that fear and try anyway? It's a double edged sword.

My Angel =)

When I am up late at night and feel a sudden sense of peace
I know it's because you're with me.
Those times that I was sure I heard footsteps behind me but saw no one
I knew you were following, making sure I stayed on the right track.
When I'm anxious and I can swear I felt someone massaging my hair
I knew it was you, telling me to relax.
When I close my eyes and see shadows pass in front of the light
I know its you, telling me that I'm not awake alone.
When I'm out somewhere, wishing you could see and the smell of Imari perfume hits my nostrils
I know its you, telling me you're right beside me.
When the hair on my neck stands on end even though there's no breeze
I know its you, giving me a hug.
Everytime I make a mature decision,
Everytime I use my logic
Everytime I put someone else first
I know it's really you.
Whenever I hear Misty Blue playing on a radio
I know you're trying to tell me that you're here.
The times that I need you the most and cry out because I can't hear or see you
I know its because you're trying to teach me to be patient and just wait for awhile.
The many many times that I have wanted to quit but couldn't find the strength to do it
I know its because you were showing me it wasn't the right thing to do.
The times that I doubted God but somehow gained faith instead
I know you were the one who was allowing my heart to open despite my anger.
The times late at night when I have so much to say and nobody's awake
I know its because you are telling me to talk to you.
When I can see how much I've grown when handling this problem
I am aware it is because you and God have showed me the blessing in my setback.
When I've made a decision that I cannot understand yet knew it was right
I knew it was because you were there, showing me how to trust myself and the choices I make.

Even though it is hard to be here when I can't see you when I want
I know God brought you home for a bigger reason.
God sent you to watch over me and help me to be a better person, for Him and for myself
You are teaching me so much and I know that I am never truly alone.
You are in my heart and mind, and you're perched on my left shoulder to guide me through my decisions.
I hope that I am making you proud, despite my disappointments and setbacks.
Thank you for not leaving me and showing me to keep going, even when I am scared.
Not everyone is blessed enough to realize who their guardian angel is, but I am grateful to know mine is you.
I miss you and I love you.

*Amanda

Making Judgments.....

I should be finishing a final but in my defense, I've already finished one, I'm halfway done with the second one, I'm sick and burnt out on anything resembling school (which I'll probably write about after I'm completely done....who am I kidding here..probably. yeah right. I'll be here. lol), and.....its my fluffin blog. lol I'll write if I wanna. Anyway, I was on Twitter, trying to come up with something interesting to say (I dropped the ball there lol) and I was reading some of the updates from people I follow on there. It made me wonder, why are we so judgmental of each other? This is the part that kills me---some people are total Bible thumpers when the belief in question is advantageous to them. Then they judge people for not believing it and judging them right back! How does that work! If you're going to be Mr. or Mrs. Bible 2009, how can you really toss the words in someone's face and then judge them for not agreeing when something specifically stated in the Bible, by Mr. G-O-D himself, was NOT TO JUDGE others for their transgressions? I used to argue about this all the time with an ex-bf of mine. It's one of the many reasons why he is, and will remain, an ex. In case you didn't know, I am a full supporter of gays and gay rights. Effin sue me, ok? I could care less and it's not going to change my mind about the issue one bit. He, on the other hand, is so homophobic I can't even mention his name and 'anal' anything in the same sentence. No matter if the anal I'm talking about is referring to his personality (and he is totally anal but shh), he doesn't want the two together. But we used to argue all the time about gays and gay rights. I know many are offended by the 'f' word, but with my gays we call our friendship the 'fag-hag' connection. I'm a hag. :-) Proud of it, too. If I mentioned that I spent time with a gay friend or that I was happy for one of them, he'd jump down my throat, calling me gay and telling me I was going to hell. Now I don't pretend to know alot about the Bible. That's one reason why my happy ass needs to be in church more.....hmm....maybe I shouldn't cuss and put something religious in the same sentence next time.....its a thought. Anyway, I do know that God said being gay was a sin. Despite what alot of people say, however, it is not the unforgivable sin. If murderers can be forgiven, pedophiles, rapists, sodomists, bigamists, kidnappers, hell even cannibals or people who participate in incest or bestiality can be forgiven, am I really supposed to think God cannot forgive some girl-on-girl love or a marriage between Adam and Steve? I don't think so. But its a fact. Being gay, according to God, is a sin. But did He say being in support of someone was a sin? Did He say that because someone is gay that those of us who are not should shun them, pretend they don't exist or that they are somehow lower or worse than we are? No. He did not say that gays should be treated any differently than those of us who are not. Besides that, why would we treat them differently for being gay (which is a sin) than for those of us who smoke or drink, even socially (both of which are also sins)? Makes no sense to me. A sin is a sin is a sin. So why are we putting so much stock in just one of them and judging others? I never understood why people feel that just because they are stating a fact from the Bible that it gives them a free judgment pass. Those things don't exist. It does no good to shove a biblical fact in someone's face if you're sinning while you're doing it. That kinda makes the point null and void, if you ask me. But if my friends choose to be gay or straight, I'm supporting them anyway. I'm not their friend because of their sexual preference, as a matter of fact, its really none of my business. They have to answer for their choices when the day comes, not me. I have to answer for my own. I don't need to answer for my choices, plus my judgment of someone else when it comes to the choices they've made. I've got enough to answer for and I'm barely over the drinking age. lol  But whether my friend Adam chooses to be with Eve or Steve is quite frankly none of my business. I don't care who he's with. I care that he's happy, the other person is taking care of him and that they love each other. That's all that has and will ever matter to me. But just because they are gay does not mean that they don't deserve the same rights or chances at happiness. God did not say that. And if He did, I'd like proof--my eyes and ears are open. I am an avid hater of Prop 8 and wish it would go away. Soon. Like today. Anyway, what it feels like to me is that these people, who happen to have a different opinion of what the right thing is for them, are having their human rights taken away by not being able to marry and show the world the person that they want to spend their lives with. How is it our decision whether or not Lana and Dana or Adam and Steve can get married? Ugh. I could write another separate blog just on this issue. ANYWAY....

when did we all get so judgmental of each other? Why do we put ourselves on pedestals with our beliefs and perceptions and assumptions and judge others for not living up to them? Instead of just recognizing and accepting that there are differing opinions and at least being open-minded to hear them, we judge them for not 'being on our level.' I'm so sick of hearing that. "Get on my level." "You're not on my level." By whose standards are we looking at when we consider this supposed level you're on? Does it even matter? If differing opinions put us on 'levels' and all that jazz, do you know how many levels there are? It's like an endless game of Super Mario 64. lol I'm not saying that we shouldn't ever judge; its those judgments sometimes that help us form opinions. But I do think there are different kinds of judgments. First impressions and gut instincts remind me a bit of judgments in a way. Then there is the kind of judgment that appears to make someone look better and someone else look worse based on a belief by one of the parties involved, which is essentially just an opinion trumped up to look more important than it really is. You know what I mean. Do we judge others to make us feel better about our own mistakes? Is it ok to judge celebrities because somehow us 'regular folk' are more civilized, more sane or more rational? Of course not but that's how some people make it seem. Those tweets I was reading by some people posted on celebrities' pages were just so ridiculous and ignorant to me. The opinions were ignorant--I don't know anything about the people who wrote them. But some of them sounded as if their entire purpose was to piss off the celebrity. Others sounded as if somehow the person felt that they were in a position to judge the celebrity because they are in the public eye. Being in the public eye for a talent, whether it be acting, singing, modeling, dancing, whatever, does not entitle you to receive judgments and assumptions from people who don't know any better. That's just what I think. I just want to know, when was it decided and who decided that judging others on so many levels while keeping one's own transgressions in the closet was ok?

Just checking in super quick...

I was in the middle of doing a final for my psych class that's due tomorrow and I came across an anxiety website I wanted to share. I normally would have waited but due to my bad memory and my excitement to share some recovery stories that actually sound realistic, I'll give you the link now.

http://www.paniccure.com/Default.htm

If you're only visiting the site for the healing and recovery stories, scroll down the page a bit and the heading title should be something like "Stories of Healing," there are small descriptors beside each link so I'm sure it won't be too hard to find. But go ahead and browse the site--you may find something else you weren't expecting to find on there. If I find any more links, I'll be back. Til then, I've gotta fight through this stupid cold so I can finish my final by tomorrow night. Send me prayers and blessings!  :)

Five more days......just five more!!

Five more days....that's the length of a workweek! Geez. It just hit me right now. I don't even know what to do. The first thing on my list is obviously to do my finals, do them right, and get them in well before Sunday. Ok maybe not well before. I'll take anytime before 11:59p Sunday night. lol I've already started working on them so that I have less to do as the week progresses--for me, that's an awesome start. I know I've got a gold medal and a platinum-plated seat waiting for me in the Procrastinator's Hall of Fame someday so the earlier I'm actually willing to start on these finals the better. One part of me is more than thrilled that these past two years are almost over and done with. The other feels an odd sense of emptiness at thinking about the upcoming months with nothing to do. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the year I'll be back in school (I'm trying to defer those loan payments for as long as I can...shh lol) but what do I do until then? I do know I don't want to be back in school right away--so why does the idea of not being in school, even for a couple of months, frighten me? Boo.

I finally changed my room around! It was alot less stressful than I thought it would be, once I finally got started on it. I know that for those who don't have anxiety and by some unrealistic chance happen to read this blog will not understand why changing my room was such a source of stress for me, but it really was. I've been wanting to change my room for months now. I even went as far as to draw out a floor plan the way it was and the way I wanted it to look after everything was done. It took months, but my room now matches the bottom diagram that I drew last year. When I first drew everything out, I was discouraged, mainly because I didn't think it would happen. I finally got the opportunity to get everything I needed, and as it started coming together I felt okay about it, really excited to change something, anything in my life. But then leading up to the weekend I was supposed to do everything, I just panicked. If there was a reason to panic, I found it. Quickly. So the move went down the Saturday after I got everything, and I ended up doing the majority of it alone. Surprisingly, I didn't panic. Not even when I saw that my room was a disaster area. At first, I didn't like it. The first weekend I had to deal with it I panicked damn near the whole time. The funny thing is I didn't panic until everything was in its right place and I could actually see my floor again. lol The truth is, if I think about the change enough I would still panic over it, so I am just accepting it (because I actually like it now) and moving on. It's already done, so what else is there to do? Now I just have to clean it. What fun. **cue sarcasm**

I find myself a little more jittery these days, but I haven't been able to pinpoint a reason for it just yet. I don't feel any more stressed than I normally am, I'm not particularly angry about anything, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo, now that I think about it. The only thing that sticks out is that I think I'm suffering from single gal blues again, and realizing my fear of commitment at the same time. I told ya, I'm a walking contradiction. God loves me anyway. lol Anywho, it's wedding season yet again, I've been seeing alot of chicks who are now eating for two (or maybe three or more, who's to say really lol) and I've been up at Wally World alot, which for those who didn't know is like Couple Central. Usually it makes me want to gag a little but thats just surface emotion I think. lol Underneath it I think it bothers me more than I'd care to admit, so it's pretty surprising I'd actually admit it here. Either I'm growing or just incredibly stupid for putting myself on blast. Either could work for me. lol Since it's wedding season, my favorite television shows (yet another contradiction for ya girl here) Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and Bridezillas are gonna be on constant repeat. I don't mind, but sometimes I find myself more than a little envious. I mean, is it really possible to fall in love again with no false pretenses, with no fantasies about what can never be? Is it always doubt and suspicion and a hard time, or do people genuinely fall in love with little to no problems and actually last? I always find myself wondering if that kind of relationship truly lasts. When I see two people happy and in love with each other, I think it's great but there's still a part of me that's thinking that they aren't being realistic in their expectations to be together forever. Maybe that's a sign of our society getting to me--nobody stays together these days; I halfway expect all couples to break up sometime in the future. I know that's not a healthy way to view things, but firstly, how are any of us to know what we'll be feeling tomorrow. How do we even know we'll see tomorrow's light? So many couples split up today so when I find people who genuinely believe they will be together til the end, I can't help but think, 'Why aren't you preparing for what happens in case you don't work out?' So when I think about finding someone else, that thought is always in the back of my mind, so I guess I try to protect myself by not getting involved at all. The way I see it is, why give all of yourself if it's already a done deal that it won't last? I don't know how to change that pattern of thinking. Which isn't fair to whoever I dupe into getting in a relationship with me. lol I already know going into the relationship that I can't give all of myself to him because I'm too busy protecting myself. When it gets down to brass tacks, I've realized that I'm pretty fragile. I try to keep a little of myself to myself because I feel like if I give it all to someone else, I am giving them the power to hurt me and I can't afford to do that. If they hurt me then I have to pick up and start all over, which means learning how to give it all to someone else and basically allow them to do the same thing. Besides that, I don't want to hurt anyone. That's a nice concept, but it's life. Pain is part of the package. It is inevitably going to happen, and no matter how much I may try to avoid it, I am eventually, if I haven't already, going to be the source of it for someone else. My avoidance of causing pain may end up inadvertently causing it. That's something else I have to deal with--my fear of hurting others because of my fear of being hurt. Hey maybe this blog is helping; I didn't realize any of this until I started getting it out. lol But because I am so afraid of being hurt and because it has happened most of my life, I try my hardest not to bring the feelings I am familiar with on someone else. I don't want someone else looking back on their past and remembering me not as someone who brought them joy but as a source of major pain in their lives. That would kill me. I know what that feels like and it is one of my biggest fears to bring that on to someone else. But the truth is, I may be a source of pain for someone now and not even realize it. I could torture myself and run my life according to what I don't want to bring on someone else for the rest of my life instead of actually learning to live my life like I should be doing. Geez. This girl needs alot of work. lol

Even the smallest things now.....

Well actually it's not just now, it's been for a year now. It's really a drag, you know. I was going to switch my room around last year, even though I didn't really have much to do but move the furniture, but just taking the books off my bookshelf and looking at that empty piece of furniture gave me such a horrible panic attack. I had to put all the books back and didn't feel any better until I had. A year later, the situation is a little different but the outcome is still the same. This year I have the right stuff-I downgraded my bed like I needed to, I got a new entertainment center to fit the new tv set, I got a better lamp that wouldn't have fit had I left my room the way it is now, but the biggest motivator for me was that I got a Wii. I know, who changes their whole room for a game system? ::raises hand:: I do! I do! lol The way my room is now, there's no room to play it at all unless I'm jumping on my bed. lol See, my bed is right in front of my tv, so there's no open space. With the way I want to change it, there will be more than enough room, which also allows me to finally invite people over. I got a little fridge in the room--one so that I can just put my stuff in there when I'm too lazy to take it out to the front, and secondly so that I can have a cold drink and finally be able to offer one to my friends too. It was kinda embarrassing offering them something, only having water, then having it be hot cuz someone didn't fill the jug up with cold water. lol But again, with the current arrangement there's just no space to put it in here. So if I want a change, redoing my room is the only way to go. But it's making me panic! I keep thinking about the dumbest things you know--getting sick in this new way I have my room (which isn't really all that new, when we moved into this house I had arranged my room pretty similar to the way I'm going to switch it around to tomorrow, so if I think about it, it's really not that big of a change), which by the way is totally silly, but I think that's just my body trying to resist change. I can't do it though--I want this change to happen. Actually I need it now cuz my room's full of boxes of unopened things that will remain unopened til I make this change tomorrow. The only thing I want is peace. I know in my heart that my room will look and feel better to me once I do this. I've already drawn it out and hung it up on my wall so I could remind myself of the goal. Didn't think I'd achieve it so soon, but that's how I know Jesus was looking out for me and knew that this was another step in the right direction. If it wasn't, things wouldn't have fallen into place as easily as they did. I didn't even get back in school as easily as I was able to get the things I needed. And still have money leftover to boot. So I know I need to do this. So why am I panicking??! If anyone has some tips or advice or just something to help me retain my logic, I'd love it.