Christmastime Blues

This Christmas isn't gonna be so great, I hate to admit. My mom's back in the hospital, I'm writing to you from my bonk first computer since I was a klutz and messed up the hard drive in my newer laptop by dropping it earlier this week, there's no money to do anything, I can't go anywhere, and I'm trying my absolute hardest not to panic. We're hoping Mom will be home sometime this weekend but with blood clots, you can never really tell. It's just been one rotten thing after another. I'm so burnt out on the events that have taken place in my life over the past two months that it's insane. It's like I can't find my footing. Despite what folks from church tell me, I seem to be slipping into this vortex of a black hole that has become my life. No matter what people tell me to do, no matter what people say to me, no matter how they perceive situations that I find myself in, every time I think I get a handle on something, yet another thing seems to come along and knock me back down. It's almost maddening. It really brings a feeling of helplessness when you have to watch your life happening to you and not all of it is good or fun and you can't do anything about it. It sucks.

I haven't panicked throughout any of this, but I've had this.....full feeling, kinda like I'm full of unspent energy or anxiety and I need to let it out. I'd really rather not though, if you want the truth. lol I'm kinda feeling like I'm in this on my own. The kids aren't helping, I haven't heard anything from my "family," I dunno....I'm just feeling alone. I'm worried about my mom and sad that she has to spend her Christmas in a hospital bed with strangers, away from a warm home and good food and family. I think it's rotten. I think it's even more rotten that instead of receiving support and well-wishes from those who are supposed to be near and dear to us, I'm getting implications that she's in this situation because of something she did wrong. It's such crap and it's really unfair to her. I hate when people do this to my mom, especially when she's not even in a position to defend herself. It's a cowardly stance to take, if you ask me....but the truth of it is, I've had to defend my mom my whole life. For some reason, people feel that they can just rag on her to me and it's supposed to be okay. It isn't. My mom's not a bad person and her health problems are not something she brought on herself. I really wish people would stop trying to bring her down with their false assumptions, biased opinions and general bullshit. Seriously.

As for me, I'm just exhausted. I don't know how to pretend I want to spend this holiday without my mom, with these begging kids in my face not helping me do anything, and that nothing is wrong when I'm really sad she's not gonna be here, I'm irritated that they keep trying to get whatever they want because it's Christmas and are perfectly fine with letting me do everything and they don't even know what I'm going through, and I'm so lonely and depressed that I can't fix the situation that I could pop.