I'm sooo soooo sorry

I am eternally sorry I have not been on here in so long. For awhile, I was so caught up in whatever was going on that I didn't have much to say. Just to update you really quickly, this summer I've been doing some backsliding, which pisses me off to no end, but despite that I still see some changes that were not half bad. I've been learning more about assertiveness and how to be more upfront with what I need to say to people when I need to say. It's a good feeling, to stand up for yourself. It's something I've never been fantastic at, but when I relapsed two years ago it was like I lost the ability entirely, which was partly why it was so easy for dude to manipulate and bully me into not saying anything last year. I didn't know how to stand up to him, or stand up for myself anymore. Gaining it back hasn't been half bad. It's still not easy because as I said, I was never very good at standing up for myself, but one--I realize and am ok with the fact that some of the things I say are not going to make everyone happy; doesn't mean they may not need to be said; and two--I deserve the right to speak just like everyone else. Standing up for myself when someone's putting me down or being condescending or just difficult isn't wrong, after all its not wrong when they're doing it, right?

School is going terribly and alot of days I wake up wondering why I even decided to go back for this degree. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a challenge and I enjoy knowing that I earned what I have. However, challenge doesn't even begin to describe what I've had to go through at this school. The teachers hardly ever participate or encourage discussions amongst us students, they take forever to respond to personal emails, and forget about wasting the email if you need to ask them for help--they won't give it to you. I knew going into this math class that I was going to need some help and my instructor has provided little to none. I know he can see I am struggling in this class but has he handed me a life preserver? Nope. Has he even suggested how I can improve other than by going to the school's tutoring center, which is a failure in itself? Nope. I already knew by the end of the first week when I couldn't turn in anything and couldn't find alot of help that made sense that I was going to fail the class. I think my instructor knows it too but he's not doing a damn thing to help. I know the dynamics of college are different from high school and there isn't going to be an instructor over your shoulder reminding you to turn in your homework and offering to help you with stuff. You're an adult now, blah blah blah. That doesn't mean adults don't need help and it doesn't mean that the teacher's job ends with the initial instruction, something ELSE they don't do at this school. My finances are all jacked up and I haven't heard a peep from my finance instructor in over a month. I have no idea what's going on. It's week 5 in these current classes so I should be hearing from my academic counselor as well. Have I gotten a call? Nope. And the finance counselor never...and I do mean NEVER answers his phone and he's rotten at returning calls too. Ugh...I'm kinda ready to just be done with the school; problem is that I do like the curriculum and I do like what I'm learning...when I understand it. There aren't alot of online Hotel & Restaurant Mgmt. programs that are worth it, and I'm beginning to think that even though the lessons plans here are top notch, this school is not worth it either. So I'm kinda stuck on what to do. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot and not getting the help I think I should be getting with my lessons. So that's that.

A couple of months after my last entry, I heard from dude again. He came at our mutual friend yip yapping about how he had grown up and understands who I am now and wanted to talk to me. He knew I wasn't having it, so he had her guilt trip me into calling him. Well I get on the line and he's being the typical apologetic ex, "I respect and understand who you are now" "I saw the women over here and realized you were right for me" "I've never been happier than when I was with you," blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Usual mess. So I hear him out, but I didn't realize how much I'd been holding in, so I started to cry when I had to remember everything I went through with him because it was hurting so bad. I made the mistake the next day of letting my guard down and telling him I'd missed him in the 4 months, I didn't get the response I wanted back, needless to say. We texted each other a couple of times but I didn't hear from him again for a few days til he called and we spoke for maybe 5 minutes before he rushed me off the phone. I knew something was up, but I couldn't put my finger on it and in all technicalities, didn't have the right anymore to assume things anyhow. Long story short, I didn't hear from him for about 3 weeks, then when he called back he finally said he was 'busy.' I don't wanna know what he was busy doing and didn't really believe the story he gave. I spoke to him the next night, and he was still talking all that 'I love you' mess but I could tell that underneath it, he really hadn't changed. So I wasn't trying to hear it. Well guess what, he promises to call the next day and I haven't heard from him since. That was 3 months ago. My friend finally told me last month that he felt things were moving too fast and he wasn't ready yet. Ready for what, I have no idea. He was the one trying to rush me into visiting him, he was the one talking about I miss you, I love you, blah blah, not me. Not once did I even say how I was feeling or whatever, as a matter of fact I was barely talking at all. So if anyone was trying to rush things, it was definitely him. I saw some things I didn't want to see on his Facebook and I just started to realize the things I was going through by just having him in even a small part of my life, so I made the decision to cut things off for good. This fool thinks I'm just gonna sit around and wait for him? Please. He really doesn't know me. I've come to terms with alot of things where we were concerned and I think I needed that, so I can't say the whole thing was a bust from start to finish. I won't lie or romanticize it, most of it was hell and in retrospect I can see that for alot of the relationship, I was the unhappiest I'd ever been in a relationship. In general though it was a learning experience and I learned a hell of a lot about myself and what I will and won't do for the one I love. Love does not and should not ever equal loss of dignity, self-respect, pride, or sense of self. It should enhance those things. If it doesn't enhance at least one, it's not right because love shouldn't ever be demeaning and losing any or all of those four things is very demeaning. Anyway, I'm looking forward to when I meet the one who really is a man and not just wearing men's shoes trying to play ball with the major players. It's exciting to think that one day, all these lessons will be applied and all these tears will evaporate when I meet this person and if I do cry it will be from happiness, not pain. It's refreshing to think about. But what I know to be true is that God will give me someone who already knows what and who he is, what he wants, therefore having no reason to put that kind of pain on me. And I won't be putting that kind of pain on him, not to mention we can share an awesome bond by both of us having given ourselves over to Christ and building our ministries. I'm excited just thinking about it.

8-21-2010
First off, Happy Birthday to my stepdad. lol Secondly, not long after I wrote that, actually just a week or so ago, dude called. Again. I answered but was getting ready to take a nap, so he said he'd call later. I missed the call the next day and didn't bother calling back. I asked our friend why he was calling; he'd told her the same ol bull. "I miss her." Notice he only misses and calls me when its convenient. I don't have time for that mess anymore. I just don't. He called yesterday but I didn't hear the phone so I texted him later. He said he just wanted to talk. I was thinking "Really??? After 3 months you call me like nothing's wrong because you just wanted to talk??!" I was livid, but I asked him what is there to talk about. This fool goes all victim like I attacked him and says "Dang Amanda I can't just wanna talk" I was ready to be a jackass and say hell no lol but maturity won out (somewhat) and I just said 'I never said you couldn't' at which point he gave me some small talk, I barely answered and that was that. He called our friend and said I must have been really pissed at him since he could tell I didn't feel like talking to him. And he's right, I am still upset with him and realized that I didn't feel like talking to him, didn't even want to know how he was doing and didn't ask, but more so I was just thrown off. For months, I imagined what I'd say to him if I had the chance to get some things off my chest, and now that I have been confronted with the opportunity in a way I'm not ready to do it. I'm not sure why; its not like I'm afraid to not have him in my life anymore, that concern was gone months ago. I think I'm just not ready to open that box further and let him know what I need to tell him. I'm not entirely sure why I'm putting it off. But God either brought this opportunity back for me to confront it and eliminate it before He brings me something else, or it was the enemy just trying to throw me off track, which does seem likely since dude still has a bit of a pull on my emotions. And a few months ago, he definitely would have thrown me off track. Now though, I'm just trying to understand what is at play here so that I can have the correct response and not let my emotions dictate what I do. In my book, especially with dude, that's growth. But you know what, who cares about all that. I have awesome news.

I was able to walk with my brothers and sister up to my brother's school yesterday!! :-) Awesome, right?? I wanted all 5 of us to go but one of my brother's knees was bothering him so he didn't go. The other 3 and I went to the school to find out my youngest brother's teacher, and I was fine! As a matter of fact, my walking up there with them was my idea......shocker right? My mom's fibro was bothering her so she didn't feel like making the walk, and that was when I suggested that us kids walk up there instead so she could rest for a day without walking. The school's only down the street, but its been 4 years since I was able to walk to the school, especially without my mom or being on the phone with her or anything. I was nervous as hell and almost backed out at first, but my mom walked with me a couple of houses and gave me a pep talk, then we were off. We weren't walking fast or anything, just kinda moseying along I guess, and before I knew it we were at the school, so I called my mom and told her I made it, then when we got back a few minutes later I realized hey---I did it!! It felt so natural, like I'd never stopped walking with them, which is good because I think I would have chickened out if I'd realized immediately the magnitude of what I was doing before I'd gotten home. It felt great. It was tiring, but for once in a long time, it was a welcome feeling.

I've been wearing my Natural hair a bit more lately too; the original reason was because the van wasn't working so I didn't have a ride down to the hair store lol and even if I had one I wasn't going anywhere so the money would have been wasted. I started taking care of my hair a little more, and I'm a little comfortable with wearing it again. I've also cut back on my sodas; I've been drinking more Capri-Suns and remembering why that was my favorite drink when I was a kid. lol On Sundays, I don't drink any soda at all and eventually I'm going to cut back to drinking nothing but water on Sundays. I figured it was time to show my dedication to God since I can't fast like others in my prayer group and that seems to be the biggest thing I have in my arsenal. I still maintain that I won't give up my soda til I'm good and ready and I'm tired of people pressuring me into doing it, but you know what, I don't have to and God doesn't expect me to. I made this decision to be spiteful then realized I liked it. So I'll keep it up until I want to stop, and when I do stop, I won't be guilted or pressured back into doing it. God knows I'm dedicated whether I'm drinking soda 6 days a week or 7; I have nothing left to prove to man. That's how I see it.

Anyway, how are all of you doing in your journey with anxiety? I hope you are all making some improvements and learning some coping strategies of your own, or hopefully able to use something that I gave in one of my blogs. Remember if you have any helpful links or websites to share, post them in the comments section or email me! God bless and stay safe!