Slipping backwards and hanging on by a thread.

That's what it feels like I've been doing for awhile now. Just continually, gradually but continually nonetheless, slipping backwards and now hanging on by a thread. Bit by bit, the progress I thought I'd made mentally has either slipped or is slipping away.

For awhile I was very confident in God and the promises He'd made. But bit by bit, day by day, frustration mounted, discouragement increased and before I knew it faith had decreased before I was just mentally and spiritually numb...kinda dead inside from all of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think He's gonna just leave us out to dry in the cold, but as I watch my sanity slowly starting to get away from me I do begin to doubt. Not even gonna lie. I feel so trapped by all of this that I wonder if its possible to ever truly completely come back from it without a thought or a moment of nagging panic here and there. An irrational thought or fear every once and again. Is it possible to come back from where I've been, what I've had to go through, and not have those? Just finally be able to live my life free from mental issues? Some days I don't know anymore. Not because I feel God is not big enough to heal me from it, but because I don't know if its in His will to heal me from it. I'd like to think it is. I have so many dreams and hopes and goals.....and drowning in this is so scary, I don't know if I could live the rest of my life like this. I know I can't. It's too much.

I think its months of isolation, loneliness and stress catching up to me in a way; everything's been kind of spiraling lately. I've had this low-grade fever and stomachache for days now and that hasn't made resting any easier because now I'm back to suffocating when I do sleep. When I am awake my stomach is bothering me or the thoughts are back and bugging me, or I'm on the verge of panic or anger that is of epic proportions. I can't deal with all of it. Hopefully it'll be better once I can get some things with myself back on track. I'm hoping the nights don't become a problem again for me; one jag with all of it was enough.

I decided that if things at the Art Institute don't improve by November, I'm going to start transferring in December and start somewhere else in January. This gives me time to find a school I like and get all my records straight by the time the winter semester is over. The school is bugging me anyway. lol

I'm not sure what all is going on with me, I feel like everything's kinda swirling out of control. I just want it to get back on track. Two years ago I was going through this terrified because I didn't know what was going on with me and was scared of what could possibly happen. Now, I'm going through it terrified because I know exactly what is going on, remember everything I had to experience and am scared of what could happen now too. Catch-22 from hell. And here I was thinking that if I was put back in the situation it would be easier to handle. Boy was I wrong. Sigh.