Goodness gracious!

Where do I even begin. Hell, I have no idea. I've been panicking alot more lately, much to my chagrin and discouragement. lol Can you believe I've even brought some of them on myself? lol Actually, I'm trying to recover from a self-inflicted one now! lmao Long story short, I have really bad acid reflux but I like laying on my stomach. Well those of you with acid reflux (and if you have anxiety its pretty likely you either already had acid reflux/GERD or have it now because its a side effect) already know laying on one's stomach while the acid's acting up only makes it worse, and eating after awhile of not eating and smoking makes it hard, so it can make matters even worse. I'll assume that's one reason why the doctor said I should be eating every 3 to 4 hours, so that I wouldn't have situations with the reflux anymore. Ehh. I digress and I'm hardheaded. So in more than one way, this is my fault. lol Anyway, I had a couple bites of a sandwich and like most folks, when you don't eat after awhile of the acid bubbling in the gut, it makes you nauseous. Laying on my stomach brings up the acid, so I kept swallowing when I already had a dry throat. This in turn caused my throat to close up, which made my gag reflex sensitive, which in turn made me panic when I tried to swallow after so long of forcing myself to swallow. Ugh. So I called my mom, and she helped for awhile but she was out with my stepdad and his mom so her attention was a little distracted so I got off the phone. I called a 'friend' that was supposed to be part of my 'support system' but that went nowhere quickly, so I let it go.

Speaking of support systems, let me reiterate to you again the importance of having a stable one. Yes, its ok that they have their own lives and sometimes might be a little busy, but if they agree to help you through the situation and say for you to call them if you need them, make sure that they mean it before you begin to rely on their support through the rougher parts of your recovery. I can tell you, having many failed 'friends' and 'support systems' through the years, its still very discouraging when one falls through. Its still a moment of extreme loneliness when you're in that moment and need a distraction or a friend to give you some calm, some peace to get you through. So please, please make sure that the people you select to be there for you truly mean it and that you have some kind of backup just in case people are busy or don't come through when you need it. You shouldn't have to experience it by yourself especially if others have given their word that you wouldn't have to; just watch your own back and have backup because at the end of the day, the only one that has your back all day everyday is yourself. Most 'friends' quite frankly aren't about shit. I just don't want any of you to realize that when you're down and out because its very sobering and increases the fear.

As far as my anxiety goes, I've been gradually having more and more attacks lately, but fortunately they haven't been hours and hours long like some of my worse ones. The intense part lasts between half an hour and an hour, and its not even constant anxiety; its more calm moments then a few intense and stressful ones, then it goes back and forth. After awhile, I'm left with the fatigue and the dizziness and the feeling of being on the border of the attack, like it could come back at any moment with a significant enough trigger. I'm not entirely sure why they have been recurring so often, all I know is that its very very irritating. Not to mention tiring as hell. I've been flip-flopping with my sleep cycle alot lately, so I end up exhausted most of the time anyway, but add that onto the anxiety attacks which usually leave me feeling like a deflated balloon anyway and I'm damn near collapse when everything goes back to normal. The little aftershocks of an anxiety attack are no joke.

I'll be going back to school sometime early this summer finally, after almost a year off. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to go back even then, but I'm getting restless and IMVU just isn't cutting it anymore. Initially I took more time so that I could do things that made me happy, like the developing on IMVU and spending time with the people there, but it has become a place of stress for me in that time instead. Regardless, I don't regret the break. It helped me see I was wasting the government's money continuing to go there, I was wasting my time not being able to learn, and the time I spent not learning there could have been spent looking for another school to better fit my needs. I found one, so I hope to be starting there around when the kids get out of school. It's much cheaper than AI so I'm hoping it goes better too.

As for IMVU, RPG just doesn't blow my whistle anymore. I'm right on the cusp of so many big real life decisions, trying to pave the way for the rest of my life, at the moment IMVU just doesn't compare. In general it has become such a source of my stress that I find myself dreading when I have to get online; dreading when I have to think about these fake situations that people bring on for entertainment purposes. I have to wonder if I want to create more stress for my life than I have, on a full-time basis. I still enjoy developing from time to time, but I know I'll never be pro material; I could never be that good. That kinda kills the buzz for me. It's also a very oversaturated network, so I'm fighting with hundreds of thousands of other aspiring pro developers and my products don't really stand out because they're either custom products or someone's already done it, and theirs probably looks better than mine anyway. When I put that all in perspective I had to wonder if it was worth six months of my time. Unfortunately, the answer was no. lol So once I go back to school and these things start coming together in my life, its eventually going to cut down on my IMVU time significantly anyway, so I can't even say I'm complaining too much now. I'm ready for the change; my life's revolved around IMVU and RPG situations for too long because there was no excitement in my life. That change is coming quickly now and the anxiety will be gone, I won't have the time or place for IMVU anymore once that change comes about and my priorities are re-shifted. And I'm ok with that. I believe the man is too. Well hell, even if he isn't I already know my time on there is going to be significantly decreased; I'm not going to force IMVU into my life if it ends up at the bottom of my priority and to-do lists. God already told me once the change has happened and my priorities have been shifted correctly IMVU will take its rightful place somewhere towards the bottom. Again, my goals and purpose have already been fulfilled, I'm straight with it not being a priority anymore.

Let's see....other than that I guess its pretty much same ol same ol. Financially my family's in a real bind so I'm hoping God comes through for us in a big way soon. I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow in my walk with Him; I'm desperately craving the peace of mind and confidence that comes with the faith I'm trying to obtain again. I haven't heard Him too clearly lately, but not for lack of trying. I haven't been trying just to receive the material either; I genuinely crave His presence in my life. It gave me a feeling that nothing on this planet can ever replicate and I miss it terribly. I just want to get better, get stronger in Him, be happy and live my life. Others get to do it, I don't think its asking for the world to be shifted off its axis if I ask to have my wishes granted as well. I'm a little sleepy and still pretty dizzy from that attack so I'm gonna lay down, but I do promise to try and update yall a little more often. Hope life is treating you well; God bless you all and take care; I wish you all the best on your recovery so far!