Adjustments

Change has never really been a friend of mine. Having anxiety only ensured that we'd never be on a bed buddies level of comfort, and even though I am starting to get better in some ways, we're still not exactly bosom yet. I don't know that we will be anytime soon. Change on a small level, if I'm eased into it, is tolerable at very best. Change on a large scale or in more than one area is hell at best and insanity a level under that. About two weeks ago, my boyfriend moved in with us. For the past 10 months we've been involved in a long-distance relationship, him from Pennsylvania and me from Texas, and its been rough at times, to say the least. It hasn't been completely roses since he's been here, but I haven't lost my mind yet so I'd say I'm learning to cope. There have been so many adjustments in such a short period of time. I'm used to my space, having my room to myself as often as I want, not having to ask for anything or share anything. Since his computer has to be shipped down here, for now we're both using my computer to do what we want to do online, and for an addict like myself that has NOT been an easy task at all. We have to share the tv, I'm not allowed anymore to have both the tv and computer because it leaves him with nothing to do, I have to share my bed (which is ok sometimes because its getting cold out lol) and that has been hard as hell, my room is always messy now (gosh men are sloppy creatures!) but what I believe bothers me most of all is that my brothers seem to open up more to the new creature in the house more than me. They stick to him like glue, I don't get more than two words unless they're tattling, begging or making fun of something. Maybe its because he's a man, so they see it as a kindred spirit of sorts, maybe its because he's the new toy in the house, I'm not sure. But its a little ego-crushing to see this new person come in (at your request, mind you) and steal your brothers (and sister, to a level) away from you without even really trying. I ask a question and get three word responses sometimes; he doesn't have to ask and gets a story. I've found out more about them since he's been here than I knew in the years leading up to it. Doesn't make me feel very needed at all; makes me wonder what my purpose is. I can't give advice or be a good example or any of that, because they don't need it and don't really seem to want it, either. I've seen lots of older sisters who were wonderful for their younger siblings. Me, on the other hand, not so much. I hate that I'm jealous, but I am. I was a good example in school, didn't get anything for it from them at that time but the normal sibling responses of "The house would be better without you in it," "I can't wait until you leave," mess like that was pretty normal for me to hear. I don't hear it now, but I don't hear what's going on with them or what they like. I've heard more in the two weeks my bf's been here. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me to where they can't tell me anything. Personal stuff that only another male could understand, okay. Stuff they'll probably get in trouble for, okay. Normal stuff like what they like and don't like, not so much. I remember writing a post some time ago about younger girls in my former church and how I thought I could be a good example for them, but they didn't seem to agree. It's pretty much the same thing here, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong to not be able to influence anyone in a good way or to where someone would need to hear what I have to say. Maybe that'll come in time and maybe it won't. I don't really know anymore. I do know, however, that it bothers me. Like I said, I know I shouldn't be envious but I am. I know that's wrong and I'm trying not to be, because its likely not anything personal, but I don't really know my purpose if nobody needs me. I don't know many things though, so I suppose I couldn't be of much help anyway. Meh. I have to fight being upset with them about it, but I know I'm failing. It's like I've been thrown aside...and that's not a good feeling, especially when you had to deal with complaining and whining in the months leading up to it that the new person was going to take you away. Then the new person gets here and THEY take the person away from you, throwing you to the side. Do they see it? Probably not. Will they care once they do? Probably not. Ahh, the power of irony. 

Anyway, the point of this blog was to talk about adjustments. I know those of you who have had anxiety for a number of years have come to realize that even if you were okay with change beforehand, it is no longer a welcome presence in your life. It is always something that is avoided or eased into, if possible. When it all hits you like bricks and there's no exit or way to backpedal to a level that's more comfortable for you, it can cause you to backslide because it becomes overwhelming. That has definitely happened in this situation. So many changes, so much adjusting to be done and no time to just breathe for a minute and absorb it all. I think that's what I need, but then everytime I start to think and try to absorb, I end up with more things that I didn't anticipate with this change and end up not liking them. I don't dislike them because they're all terrible, I dislike them because they represent change, things I can't have back. Things I can't take back. If not for any other reason than to preserve my bubble, this thing I've become used to being confined in for years upon years, I would take it all back and go back to where I was. This is so unfamiliar for me, its all unchartered territory and I wish I could go back to when everything was thought out, everything was planned. Everything now seems so spontaneous and permanent, which means there's no exit. Which means I don't like it. lol I'm trying to adjust, I really really am. I'm doing much better than I thought I would, but its so much at once that sometimes I think I'm just going to fall on my face or sabotage things so much that they go back to where everything was familiar. I'm a fan of happiness as much as the next person, don't get me wrong, but its still an unfamiliar concept to my life. I have considered many a time about sabotaging this unfamiliar thing in favor of what's familiar to me, loneliness and solitude, because its all I recognize and know to be familiar. I can't gain or lose when I'm inside the bubble, because nothing gets in. I'm in full control, so nothing that I don't like can get in and I can easily eliminate it if it does. I can't do any of that anymore, because the bubble is gone, seemingly for good. I'm happy about it, but at the same time I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know this atmosphere, this environment. I know what's inside of my bubble and nothing else. I wasn't coaxed out of the bubble with a biscuit and a soda, I was kicked out with no blanket in the dark. That's what it feels like, and its scary. Not to mention it makes me hate myself that much more. I mean seriously. How afraid do you have to be to want to be unhappy and be without love and happiness just because it puts you back in familiar territory? Smh.

I also realized that some of my anxiety about situations and my anxiety about men does indeed trace back to my childhood and some of the things I had to go through as a child. I suppose that's a relief to know now, but I wish I'd known it sooner. There's so much for me to conquer, not in a day of course and thank God, but throughout the course of this relationship there has to be so much growth in order for me to get to where I'm supposed to be. It's overwhelming. I thought that I'd be full and complete by the time I met the person who was supposed to go with me to this next chapter, but it turns out that I'm not. I don't know how to feel about that, because it just seems like I'm trash now and have to go through so much more throughout this relationship to be right. That's alot to endure. I don't want to put him through all of that. Hell, I'm not sure I want to go through all of that. Of course I want to be right, but damn, why do I have to be this banged up?

Adjustment is a painful thing indeed.