Separation Anxiety

I've got it bad. Remember a couple of months ago when I posted about adjustments and how it was stressful because of the anxiety? Okay, well the worst of the adjustment period I believe is over and everything's getting to a normal pace. At least it was, until the bf got a job. I know many of you are probably thinking, What's the problem? At least he's trying to get one. Right? I fully understand that, and I agree because I need help taking care of the house. My thing is, I had no idea it would give me separation anxiety to this extent.

A couple of weeks ago, hubz had an interview at Dish Network and got the job. Wasn't too surprised, he's a good worker and has telemarketing experience anyhow. That was fine and dandy. We were just coming off of a period of fighting all the time or at least having one good blowout a week. I'm very happy to report that even that has calmed to a small flipout or two. lol Anywho, I remember telling him while he was still looking for a job that it would be good when he got one because we'd be able to have space. He responded that he didn't need any; he loved being around me. I was fine with that, to an extent. The pressure of adjusting to so much combined with thinking about both his feelings and my own was getting to me, so I can freely admit that it was really me who needed the space. I felt bad when he said that, because to a level I agreed with him, but I was beginning to tire of the arguing and what I felt to be my needs not being listened to or abided by. So I felt the space would be a good thing for us, besides that I didn't want him to feel cooped up and not make any friends--this is more than a visit and I didn't want him to be here 2 years later and still not have anyone around him. That sounds like a selfish thing for me to want, although if I'm being honest, I don't really want to share him all the time either. Yes, that is selfish as well. lol I don't know lol, I was going through a confusing time and the mix of being tired of arguing and angry about having to adjust everything in my space was making me feel confined. I digress. So I tell him the job could be a good thing other than for financial reasons, and not long after he gets an interview. It dawned on me as my mom and I were driving home that if hubz were to get this job, he wouldn't be around all the time anymore. Even in my confined slump, I got used to having him around when I wanted or needed him. I had gotten used to coming in the room and him being there, or hearing him talking or laughing from across the house. Even though I'm the one that suggested the break, for some reason I hadn't considered what that would entail. smh As it dawned on me, it made me feel a little anxious.

I had to put things in perspective so I could figure out why I was feeling this way. Yes, I was tired of feeling as though my space was being invaded and I had no say. Yes, I was tired of all the arguing over things that really hold no significant importance. Yes, I was tired of not being able to do what I wanted in my own room. However, I also was not expecting to be sad when I thought about being able to do what I wanted in my own room at the cost of him not being in it. But I was. Since he got here, we've been attached at the hip. The only time we're away from each other is when one of us goes to the store and the other stays home. The store is only 2 minutes away in the car, if this shows any evidence to how "far" we get away from each other. And even that is no longer than 2 hours. So that goes to show how much time we've had together in the past 2 months he's been here. This was my gaming buddy, my nap partner, my partner in crime, my verbal sparring opponent, my friend, lover, all of that......and now I am being told that the time we have together after waiting for 10 months for a hug will be cut in half at best. x_x

Maybe I'm being dramatic, after all it is just a job. He'll be home in four hours. lol But still, the thought of being away from him gives me anxiety. I didn't realize it fully until we got home and the room was empty and quiet. I got to play the games on the PS3 in silence. I can lay out on my bed all I want for as long as I want without getting in anyone's way. I can watch tv and be on the computer if I so choose. But for some reason, it just doesn't have the same amount of appeal as it did before he got here, or while I was adjusting to not having that option, or hell even last week. I should have been excited to have my room back, even if only for a few hours. Instead, I'm moping around with nerves in my gut, the feeling of disconnection with my body which is making me anxious, wondering how he's doing and if he's liking his new job and when he'll be home. I can't wait to hear how his day went and most of all I can't wait to have my cuddle buddy back. I miss him. :(

I'm just here to say, separation anxiety is very real and lemme tell you, VERY annoying. lol